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Willy Wonka.....Jimmy Fallon Agent Slavinsky.....Will Ferrell Agent Barron.....Tina Fey Veruca Salt.....Reese Witherspoon Violet Beauregard.....Rachel Dratch Augustus Gloop.....Darrell Hammond Grandpa Joe.....Jeff Richards Charlie Bucket.....Chris Kattan The Oompa Loompas.....several midgets [Scene opens with a picture of a candy store. Stacks and stacks of Wonka chocolate bars line the shelves. The song "Pure Imagination" plays in the background.] Voiceover: In 1971, a movie was made that released the power of magic and imagination in children around the world. Starring Gene Wilder as the delightful Mr. Willy Wonka, audiences and critics delighted at the story of a fantastic chocolate factory. Thirty years later, Warner Brothers video is proud to release this special edition DVD of "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory," featuring outtakes, interviews, and this never before seen alternate ending. [Scene cuts to inside the chocolate factory. Willy Wonka, Grandpa Joe and Charlie Bucket are standing outside the Great Glass Elevator.] Willy Wonka: Don't you see, my boy? You won! The jackpot! Grandpa Joe: Does he get the lifetime supply of chocolate? Willy Wonka: Of course! He gets the chocolate, but that's just the beginning! Charlie, my boy, did you like my chocolate factory? Charlie: I think it's the most amazing place in the whole wide world! [Suddenly there is a knock at a nearby door. Willy Wonka turns towards the sound.] Willy Wonka: Who could that be? I'm not expecting anybody. Grandpa Joe: [excitedly whispering to Charlie] Maybe it's another one of Mr. Wonka's surprises! [Willy Wonka walks over to the door and opens it. Two people in dark suits stand there, a man and a woman. They both look very serious.] Agent Slavinsky: [holding up a badge] Hello, I'm Agent Slavinsky with the health department. This is Agent Barron. We're looking for a Wilhelm Chester Wonka. Willy Wonka: [smiling] Well, I'm Willy Wonka. Agent Barron: Mr. Wonka, we would like to ask you a few questions. Willy Wonka: I'm sorry, all questions must be submitted in writing during the tour. Agent Slavinsky: [ignoring him] Mr. Wonka, is it true that you recently ran a promotion wherein five children could tour your factory? Willy Wonka: Well, yes. I had to test them. To see if they were the ones who would take over my factory someday. Agent Barron: And is it true that these young children were deliberately put in dangerous situations? Is that how you "tested" them? Willy Wonka: I wouldn't say they were dangerous, so much as it tested their character. We had four very naughty children who couldn't obey simple orders. Agent Slavinsky: Orders such as...? Willy Wonka: Well, let's see... There was "Don't drown in my river." "Don't fall down a furnace chute." "Don't get shrunk by my..." Agent Barron: [cutting him off] Ok, kids, come on in. [From behind the agents walk in three children. Augustus Gloop is a fat kid covered in chocolate. Violet Beauregard is still a giant blueberry. She has to waddle in the door. Veruca Salt is covered with garbage and her hair is singed off. They all look pissed.] Veruca Salt: [pointing angrily] That's him! I want him arrested right NOW! Agent Barron: Mister Wonka, we have had numerous complaints from children and parents about the dangerous conditions inside your chocolate factory. These three have all signed complaint affidavits. We have a fourth complainant as well, but he is the size of a pea and can't be here right now. We also have received multiple health code violations and reports of unpaid child laborers toiling inside these walls. We are here to shut you down. Willy Wonka: Those aren't child laborers! Those are my Oompa Loompas! Agent Slavinsky: Oompa Loompas? What are Oompa Loompas? Augustus Gloop: Dey are little orange face men! Violet Beauregard: Those little creeps kicked me around like a soccer ball! Veruca Salt: I want you to arrest the Oompa Loompas right NOW! Agent Barron: Mr. Wonka... what the hell is an Oompa Loompa? Willy Wonka: They are my helpers. My friends. They are from Loompa Land. Agent Slavinsky: [aside to his partner] This guy's higher than a kite. [to Willy Wonka] Could we see your Oompa Loompas, please? Willy Wonka: I'm sorry, they aren't here right now. They had to go home to save their village from a Snozwanger attack. Veruca Salt: He's lying! He has a little flute to summon them! I want you to take his flute right NOW! Willy Wonka: [angrily] Would you shut up, you little trollop! [The agents watch him with stone faces as Willy realizes he shouldn't yell at a little girl.] Willy Wonka: [in a huff] Fine. I'll summon them. But they don't speak any English. You won't be able to talk to them. Veruca Salt: Yes they do! They sing songs! I want him to summon the Oompa Loompas NOW! Willy Wonka: Damnit! Shut up, you spoiled bitch! Agent Barron: [sternly] Summon your midgets, sir. [Willy Wonka pulls out his little flute and plays it. Six Oompa Loompas appear through a nearby door.] Agent Slavinsky: [speaking excitedly into a walkie-talkie] Holy Christ! He's got orange-faced midgets in here! Oompa-Loompa: [In a very thick Mexican accent] Oh ho ho! De fat blueberry girl is back! Let's play tetherball with her thees time! [He sees the agents and quickly shuts up] Agent Barron: Mr. Wonka, where did you get these guys from? Willy Wonka: [nervously] I told you, they are from Loompa Land. I rescued them from the Vermicious Knids, and they agreed to work for me here, for free. Agent Slavinsky: [writing this down on a pad of paper] So they are unpaid laborers? Willy Wonka: Well yes. I mean, no! I don't pay them in money, because they live with me. They are like my children. So I pay them in other ways. Agent Barron: So they are unpaid SLAVE laborers? Willy Wonka: They aren't slaves! The Oompa Loompas love me! [One of the Oompa Loompas holds up a sign to the agents. It is handwritten and says "Help Us."] Agent Barron: [calling over to the Oompa Loompa with the sign] Mr. Loompa, sir? Could you please tell me your name and place of birth? Willy Wonka: [very agitated and speaking very quickly] I'm sorry, I will have to ask you two to leave now. We are very busy. Very busy. We have so much time and so little to do. [Another Oompa Loompa holds up a sign to the agents. It says "He makes us sing!"] Agent Slavinsky: [taking a step towards Willy Wonka] Mr. Wonka, I am going to have to ask you to stand still. Make one move, and I will be forced to restrain you. Veruca Salt: I want him restrained right NOW! Agent Barron: [walking towards the Oompa Loompas] Could you please tell me your names? Willy Wonka: [pissed] Don't answer her! You don't have to talk to her! She is a Snozwanger! Run, my Oompa Loompas, run for your lives! [Agent Slavinsky grabs Wonka's arm and twists it behind him, wrestling him to the floor.] Willy Wonka: Aaaaaggghh! Kill them, my Oompa Loompas! Intruders! Attack! Attack! Do as I have trained you! Eliminate the outsiders! [The Oompa Loompas stand absolutely still] Oompa-Loompa: Whatever, dude. Agent Barron: [to the Oompa Loompa] Could you tell me your name, sir? Oompa-Loompa: [looking very nervous and darting his eyes from the agents to Willy Wonka] My name is Rodrigo Garcia. I come from Mexico City. Mr. Wonka smuggled us here in crates. [Agent Barron wipes her finger against his cheek. His orange face paint wipes off easily.] Agent Barron: My God... Are you all Mexicans? [The Oompa Loompas all nod their head.] Willy Wonka: [from underneath Agent Slavinsky] They're crazy! They have been in the butter gin again! They're high on Snozberries! Agent Slavinsky: Wilhelm Chester Wonka, you are under arrest for the smuggling of illegal laborers from Mexico. Further charges will be brought against you for using unpaid slave labor, harboring illegal immigrant workers, operating a chocolate factory without a health permit, endangering the lives of children, and gross negligence. You are going to jail for a long time. [He tries to drag Wonka to his feet but Wonka struggles. Slavinsky is having a hard time controlling him.] Augustus Gloop: You are a very bad man! You stick me in the tube and now I have claustrophobic nightmares! I was almost made into fudge! [Augustus runs over and jumps on Willy Wonka. He starts pummeling Wonka with his fists.] Veruca Salt: He wouldn't let me have a golden goose! I want to personally spill his blood right NOW! [She walks over and helps Augustus pummel him] Violet Beauregard: I may be a blueberry, but I still want a piece of that bastard! [She waddles over and tries to kick him as he lays on the floor.] Grandpa Joe: [watching in horror] Charlie, let's get out of here! Run, Charlie! [Charlie and Grandpa Joe run out a side door.] [Agents Barron and Slavinsky pick Wonka up, rescuing him from a beating.] Augustus Gloop: I am so mad, I want to eat him! [Agent Slavinsky walks out the door with a semi-conscious handcuffed Willy Wonka.] Willy Wonka: My factory! My Oompa Loompas! My life! Agent Slavinsky: Mr. Wonka, you have the right to remain silent... anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law... [fades out off camera] Agent Barron: [to the Oompa Loompas] It's okay, you are all safe now from the bad man. We will send over some immigration officials to bring you and your families back to your homeland. [to the kids] C'mon kids, let's get you some psychiatric help. [She walks out the door, escorting two kids and a blueberry.] [The Oompa Loompas look around at each other. Then the music starts and they spontaneously sing a song:] "What do you do when your boss is a... prick. Beating and torturing you like a felt-hatted... dick. How you'll cheer when his ass is carted away. Now you don't have to work and sing... all... day! We live with his evil no more! Now we live in happiness, too. Like the Oompa, Loompa, Doompety Doo!" Rate or review this sketch. |
