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Contestants: The O-so-ya-wanna-piece-a-me Bin Ladin and the Tali-whacker-poly-wants-a-cracker-band. Reverend Jesse Jackson Bill Clinton With your host Al Gore Al Gore: (his voice only..intro to show) 10 contestants spend 28 days performing mental and physical tests such as tying their own shoes and counting to five, as they compete for air time. As they compete, the contestants travel--2 continents, 4 countries, 34 cities, all in four days, all using taxpayers’ dollars. One of the players is a saboteur (i.e., "the A-hole"). The A-hole tries to keep the other players from succeeding. We are down to only three players, and today, the A-hole will be exposed. (enter Al Gore) Welcome to the A-Hole. Remember, me? I served two terms as Vice President. Oh, come on, quit kidding around! Remember that whole Florida deal with the dangling chads? Yeah, that was me! OK, now you remember. Look, today's show is a doozie. Our last three contestants are taking their final quiz. I don't want to give anything away, but the quiz involves a sequence and it begins with A, B, C. Let's eavesdrop on the contestants...... (Rev. Jesse Jackson's room.) Rev. Jesse Jackson: Oh My. The O-so-ya-wanna-piece-a-me Bin Ladin and the Tali-whacker-poly-wants-a-cracker-band. They have called me. On the phone. What. The heck. They said, Jesse. This is the O-so-ya-wanna-piece-a-me Bin Ladin and the Tali-whacker-poly-wants-a-cracker-band. I said, Jesse's not here. He went to buy us some rainbow push ups. But I'll take a message. They asked for the misses. I said which one. They left a message. They said. Tell Jesee. That the O-so-ya-wanna-piece-a-me Bin Ladin and the Tali-whacker-poly-wants-a-cracker-band. Want to talk. Al Gore: [ cutting ] Um, Reverend, there is a time limit on the test. Rev. Jesse Jackson: (The Reverend jumps up to reveal he has peed his pants. Without realizing he lunges backs, looks up, then lunges forward) Concentration. Hesitation. Constipation. Now I say to the Nation.... Al Gore: Answer the last question on the test, Reverend! Who do you think is the A-hole. Rev. Jesse Jackson: (Looks confused) Who the hell is on this show? I haven’t seen anybody but myself. Am I the A-Hole? (Cut to Bill Clinton's room) Bill Clinton: Oh, man, who’s the A-hole? Well, I won’t vote for Jesse because we have that whole brotherhood thing going on. Maybe even a little attraction... (He stands up and walks over to a mirror where he sucks in his belly and checks out his profile.) Who.. is.. the A-hole? After much deliberation I've concluded the A-hole is whomever stole my flag. I made it myself, on a loom, with those red, white and blue stretchy things. Now it's gone. (he's weepy) I want my loom flag. (The camera goes to Lars Ulrich’s cube where he has set up his drum set and continues to pound away despite the many complaints from other contestants.) Lars Ulrich: (He screams over drums) I'm the A-hole. I shut down Napster, the P2P Internet software. (he has a huge smile on his face. He sings to a drum tune.) Now all the little stoners have to spend more money on me instead of weed. I'm the A-Hole. And proud of it. Rock on! Al Gore: Actually, Lars, no one remembers, or cares who you are. The nation has bigger things to worry about. Like the O-so-ya-wanna-piece-a-me Bin Ladin and the Tali-whacker-poly-wants-a-cracker-band. Lars Ulrich: Are you kidding me. That guy can't even sing. He's not even a guy...he's just a pair of lips. (Just then, the O-so-ya-wanna-piece-a-me Bin Ladin and the Tali-whacker-poly-wants-a-cracker-band come in as cartoon characters-- scruffy Loony Tunes-like characters--playing gazoos and loud instruments. Everyone stands around in amazement because they're making so much noise. They run around the room making a lot of noise and knocking into things. They start bickering and bickering and bickering until their heads pop (as happens to cartoon characters on occasion.) There is a poof and they're gone. Bill Clinton catches the loom flag before it hits the ground (the O-so-ya-wanna-piece-a-me Bin Ladin and the Tali-whacker-poly-wants-a-cracker-band had it). Bill Clinton: There goes our A-Hole. Rate or review this sketch. |
