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John Ashcroft.....Darrell Hammond
Announcer: And now a message from Attorney General John Ashcroft [Open on Ashcroft, who is sitting in a chair with his hands on his lap] John Ashcroft: My fellow Americans, I have reserved this time tonight to talk to you about the imminent and inevitable military strategy that is as of now being planned and/or carried out. Before I talk anymore than I have, I want to remind you, we cannot rush into things. Remember the old war song, "Yankee Doodle". Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on his..mother. Everytime he hit a bump, he had another brother--wait! That's not right, is it? Screw it! Our country's reserves are being called to duty, the aircraft carrier the Theodore Roosevelt is currently in the Persian Gulf, and special forces are preparing to invade Afghanistan in search of Osama Bin Laden and his Al-Qaeda network. As President Bush is facing his charges of flatulence in public tonight, it is my job to talk to you about the coming military action. First off, we don't want the Taliban to know that we suspect them or bin Laden, so we have worked days on a strategy to fool them and make them believe we have other suspects. First off we contemplated indicting Madonna as she is usually the perfect scapegoat. However, Madonna had a perfect alibi seeing as she was in England snogging her husband Guy Ritchie at the time of the attacks. That ruled Madonna out. Next we considered blaming the Dallas Cowboys Football Team, as they too are drug addicted possible terrorists. Yet we found each and ever member of both the Cowboys, their coaching staff, their waterboys, and their cheerleaders were alive and well and could not have been capable of driving planes into any buildings. Then it hit us, why not blame it on the state of Maine? I mean it has been proven that residents of the state of Maine have had sexual relations with their first cousins! They overcharge for such little critters as lobsters, when I could go out and buy crawfish in Mississippi for almost twenty dollars less! They were the home state of Stephen King, who in fact wrote a novel called "The Running Man" in which a man flies a plane into a skyscraper. We will convince the Taliban and Osama bin Laden that we believe the culprits to be the state of Maine. But how will we convince such a smart and discipline-filled government of such a silly idea? Well we will invade! We'll invade the state of Maine, and capture their governor, Angus King. Once we have King confined and captured, we will plant a nuclear warhead in the city of Portland. At that time we will annihilate the population of the state of Maine, thus eliminating the word "Ayuh" forever! [Wipes the sweat off his forehead] Now, we will then begin a sudden and deliberate attack on Afghanistan. When we are done, the Arabs will be reporting the weather in Afghanistan as being "2000 degrees and cloudy!" Ah ha! Next, I want you all to remember that the Middle-East is not the only place to harbor terrorists or participate in terrorism. Take China, for example. Why China? you ask. Well it's simple, remember this chant which Chinese people have been known to recite often: "Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke!" Is that not an act of terrorism?! My God America, I love my beverages, especially soft-beverages, or soft-drinks, or soda-pop or whatever you choose to call it. However, when I'm drinking a Coca-Cola, I just don't have the same peace of mind that I do when I'm drinking a Pepsi-Cola. Why? Well when I'm drinking a Coke I cannot help but think "Some 4'9" bastard pissed into this can!" If that is not an act of terrorism, then I don't know what is. There are also more acts of terrorism to come. Just two and a half months from now it will be Christmas time. I urge you all to be careful during the holidays this year, as a no-good terrorist-fiend named "The Grinch" has threatened Christmas! He has threatened to steal our Christmas tree and presents, not to mention our stockings, hung with care! This bastard is serious too! Not long ago he raided a small town called "Whoville" during Christmas and stole everything! Everything! I for one love Christmas and would be pissed if terror like that were to strike. Therefore I ask all of you to keep a loaded .12 gauge shotgun next to your bed this Christmas, and if that green bastard enters your house and tries to steal your hoolihoops and Nintendos, shoot him! Now, the last matter I want to discuss with you here tonight is the matter of a special forces team I have personally appointed. This special tasks team will search every bunker, cave, shack, mini-mart, Mosk, and varmint hole in Afghanistan, in their search for Osama Bin Laden. They will carry spray cans full of a special aerosal that will inflict white heads onto the eyeballs of bin Laden and any of his associates. The same aerosal will also inflict blackheads onto the testicles of anyone around him. So who will be on this special force, you ask? Here they are: * United States former Army General and current Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Colin Powell * Former United States General Norman Schwarzkopf * Vice President and former United States war strategist, Dick Cheney * Rock and roll star Tommy Lee * Rap artist Master-P and his No Limit Soldiers * Superman * Batman * Iron Man * Puff, The Magic Dragon * Mighty Mouse * Courtney Love * Andy Kaufman * Underdog * Captain Planet * Stone Cold Steve Austin * Michael Jackson * Pikachu, the Pokemon -- Now I know that last entry sounds a little irrational, but just because he's Japanese doesn't mean he can't fight for us! * The Incredible Hulk * Wonder Woman * Spiderman * Super Mario * James Earl Jones * Johnny Appleseed * The Rock and the leader of this special task force: * Captain America These brave men will storm Afghanistan, find bin Laden and kick his frigging ass! Give me a hell yeah America! Give me a HELL YEAH!!! It's time we take action and kick terrorism right in the balls! Thank you and God Bless America! Rate or review this sketch. |
