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Cheryl.....Tina Fey Harold.....Jimmy Fallon Cindy.....Ana Gasteyer Gretchen.....Maya Rudolph Chuck.....Will Ferrell Greg.....Darrell Hammond Clarice.....Amy Poehler Tom.....Seann William Scott [Scene: A ballroom type scene filled with sophisticated people schmoozing as sophisticated people often do. Center on area in front of the punch bowl. Cheryl, Harold and Cindy are in the scene.] Cindy: Why hello there Cheryl. And who is this handsome young man. Cheryl: Uh...Hi Cindy, well this is my date Harold. Cindy: Hello Harold, pleased to meet you. Harold: Thank you. Cindy: Well, he certainly looks like a keeper. And what pray tell does Harold do for a living? Harold: Well Cindy, I'm an ass prodder. Cindy: A what? Harold: I prod asses. Down at Luke's Adventure Trails. Basically I'm the guy who trains the asses to walk the trails. Being stubborn, sometimes you have to give them a bit of encouragement. And so that's what I do. I prod the asses so that they walk the trails. There isn't an ass at that place that I haven't had a hand in prodding. Cindy: Yes...I see. I should be going.[exit Cindy] Cheryl: Oh Harold, I thought we agreed that you would be a tupperware salesman. Harold: Cheryl, we've been going out for months now and I've never been more in love so I hate to say this but... you're really starting to bring me down. Why are you embarassed that I'm an ass prodder? There is nothing wrong with prodding asses. My father was an ass prodder and his father before him was an ass prodder. I'm a third generation ass prodder and I'm darn proud of it. Cheryl: (sigh). Fine. But for tonight, could you just call yourself a handler. Harold: Alright. [Enter Gretchen and Chuck] Gretchen: Well look who's here? Cheryl: Hi Gretchen. How are you? Gretchen: Just fine darling. I'd like to introduce you to my new beau, Chuck.[fake aside to Cheryl] Isn't he a stud! Ha ha, Chuck is a top financial consultant for some of the biggest companies in the country. Isn't that right Chucky Cheese Doodle. Chuck: You know it babe. Cheryl: That's great Gretchen. This is my...stud, Harold. Gretchen: Oh pleasure to meet you Harry, and what is it that you do? Harold: Well Gretchen, I'm an ass handler. Down at Luke's Adventure Trail's. If you two ever come down there, you'll be able to enjoy a fun filled day thanks to my ass handling expertise. Gretchen: Well...so nice to see you again Cheryl...bye bye. [Exit Gretchen and Chuck] Cheryl: Oh Harold. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I love you but I don't know...it just seems that we're social outcasts or something... Harold: C'mon Cheryl. All we need is love, who cares what people think of my job...I'll leave you alone for a bit so you can ponder our future. I have to go to the can. [exit Harold] [Cheryl quickly goes to the punch bowl and begins drinking. Stands nervously. Enter Clarice. Clarice smiles at Cheryl and then quickly grabs some punch herself. Both stand staring vacantly forward as they drink their punch.] Cheryl: Nice dress. Clarice: Thank you. I love your earrings. Cheryl: Oh thank you. Those shoes are amazing. Clarice: Thank you, I got them from Italy. Cheryl: Leave it to the country shaped like a boot to make great footware. [They share a laugh and seem to loosen up. Enter Harold and Tom. Cheryl and Clarice tighten up and Cheryl fights back a twitch in her eye.] Tom: Hey babe what's up? Clarice: Hi Tom. I was just talking to... Cheryl: Cheryl. Nice to meet you Tom. Tom: Pleasure is all mine. Cheryl: Uh...this is my boyfriend Harold. [Harold smiles at Cheryl. Shakes hands with Clarice and Tom] Clarice: Hi, I'm Clarice. Tom: And I'm still Tom. Tom: Soo Harold, you one of these fancy pants business people I've been running into all evening? Harold: Uhh no...I'm[looks at Cheryl]....I'm an ass prodder. Tom: Really? Where abouts? Harold: Down at Luke's Adventure Trails. Tom: They got some great asses down there. Nice work. Harold: Thanks. So what do you do? Tom: I'm an ass jockey. I race asses down at Sterling's Race Track. Harold: Wow, an ass jockey! That's the life. Tom: Well, it's not all glamour u know. [Enter Cindy and Greg] Cindy: Hello Cheryl. Uh Harold could u tell my boyfriend Greg here what you do. He wouldn't believe me. Harold: Sure Cindy. I'm an ass prodder down at Luke's Adventure Trails, Greg. Greg: Wow, that must be some kind of adventure they got going on there. Ha ha ha. Tom: So, what do u do Greg. Greg: I'm a lawyer. Tom: Hey.[looks around] Not so loud man. You want people to hear you? Greg: Pardon me? I have the second largest practice in town, people already know I'm a lawyer. Greg: Look no offence but, we were having a private conversation here. Why don't uou go and sue somebody. [exit Cindy and Greg] Man, can you believe that guy. It's like he was proud to be a lawyer. It's like if I was a lawyer, I'd be telling people I sold tupperware or something. Harold: I hear ya. Hey, what's the difference between a lawyer and a crook? Tom: I don't know? Harold: Honesty. The crook will say "C'mon I want all your money." but the lawyer will say "I think we have a strong case." Tom: Ha ha ha. I like u Harold. You know the people I ride for having been looking for someone to handle their asses. How would you like to handle a racing ass? You handle the asses and I ride them home for gold! What do you say? Harold: I say that's terrific! Tom: Let's get out of here and grab a beer, pal. Harold: Sure thing. Is that alright Cheryl. Cheryl: Yeah go ahead. Tom: Later Clarice. Clarice: Bye Tom. [Exit Tom and Harold. Cheryl and Clarice look at each other and then embrace in a gesture of support. Then they begin making out...no wait, leave it at an embrace.] [fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
