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Elks Club Leader.....Darrell Hammond Elks Club Treasurer.....Will Ferrell Women's Group Leader.....Ana Gasteyer Female Initiate.....Amy Poehler Female Initiate's Husband.....Seann William Scott [ open to weekly meeting of the Elks. Elks Club President presides over roomful of unkempt men. ] Elks Club President: Guys. Guys. Let's lower our voices now. Originally, we were going to discuss the issue of hunting during today's meeting, but something else has come up. There's a woman at the back of the room who is petitioning our group for its lack of women in the organization. Elks Club Treasurer: What lack of women? There's no women in this club! [ the Elks hoot and whistle proudly ] Women's Group Leader: [ stepping to the front of the room ] That's precisely the problem with this organization. As far as I can see, it's nothing but a barbaric ritual, and I'm prepared to modernize your precious little Elks Club. Elks Club Treasurer: What the hell's she talking about, Jack? Elks Club President: I believe it's some sort of statement of political correctness, Bob. Now, we've been trying to deny it, fellas, but we are definitely living in the 21st Century. It's time for us to join. Elks Club Treasurer: No way! The millenium's still young! Women's Group Leader: This organization is hopeless! Elks Club President: Now, now, Miss Waggoner, I'm working on it. Guys, if we want to avoid a protest, we have to initiate a female member. [ the Elks boo loudly ] Guys, come on. We only have to initiate one woman to satisfy Miss Waggoner's women's group. Women's Group Leader: I would prefer more than one, but if you can initiate at least one woman, it shows me that your intentions are serious. Elks Club President: I can handle one. One I can handle. And I already have someone in mind. Women's Group Leader: Splendid! Who would that be? Elks Club President: Well, she's a neighbor of mine. A charming woman. Shall I being her out? Women's Group Leader: By all means, please do. Elks Club President: Very well. Andrea, would you please step out here? [ the Female Initiate high-fives members of the Elks as she walks to the front of the room, dressed in camoflauge pants and Army fatigues, her hair tucked inside a baseball cap ] Female Initiate: How ya' doing, Jack? It's so nice to see the boys here today! Women's Group Leader: You're the woman this guy's got in mind? Female Initiate: Hey, me and Jack go way back. Hell, I come over to his house every Sunday to watch the ball games. How 'bout those Rams, boys? [ the Elks applaud her recognition ] Elks Club President: What do you guys think about Andrea? Isn't she something? Elks Club Treasurer: She seems.. okay.. I guess.. But what's this all about? Women's Group Leader: What's what all about? A woman's a woman. Andrea seems to be gaining acceptance with the other Elks. Female Initiate: Hey, who here likes beer? [ claps and cheers ] Well, I've got a cooler full of Buds next to the back door over there. [ she runs to the cooler, and tosses a few beers around ] Here. Have one. Drink up, boys! There's nothing like a cold, hard Bud sliding down your rib cage, that's what I always say! [ chugs a beer ] Elks Club Treasurer: I don't know about this, Jack.. Elks Club President: Well, what do you mean, Bob? Don't you like her? Elks Club Treasurer: Yeah, I suppose I like her - as far as women go. But I think - and the other Elks will back me up on this - I think she's a little too masculine for our tastes. I mean, I'm as manly as they come, but I'm not half as manly as Andrea is. I just don't think she's going to work out. Elks Club President: But, guys, I don't want trouble with this women's club. Women's Group Leader: The Elks' opinions are not important. We want a woman in this organization, and Andrea is a woman. Female Initiate: I can offer many things to the Elks, guys. For instance, my husband is a great cook, and he could whip up some ribs and steaks for Elks picnics. Elks Club President: Well, I like the sound of that! And Charlie is a great cook, fellas. Female Initiate: He sure is. I want you guys to meet him. Charlie, come out here! [ Female Initiate's Husband Charlie steps out, wearing an apron ] Female Initiate's Husband: Hi, guys. Steaks, ribeyes, mashed potatos.. you name it, and I'll cook it for any of your functions. Elks Club President: That sure sounds nice! Elks Club Treasurer: Hey, that sure is a pretty apron you're wearing, Charlie. [ laughs to himself ] Female Initiate's Husband: [ blushing ] Oh, this old thing? It's just a little something I found hidden in the pantry. Don't pay me any attention! [ waves his hand in a prissy manner ] Elks Club Treasurer: Hey, Jack? Charlie sure acts like a woman, don't he? Female Initiate's Husband: Aw, come on, guys! I'm nothing special! Female Initiate: [ laughing ] You can guess who wear the pants in this family! [ points at herself ] Elks Club Treasurer: Uh-huh. Hey, Jack, can Charlie join the Elks? Elks Club President: What's that, Bob? Elks Club Treasurer: I know he's a man and all, but he acts enough like a woman to satisfy me. Is it okay with the women's club? Elks Club President: I don't know. Miss Waggoner? Women's Group Leader: We were hoping you would initiate a woman into your club. Elks Club President: Yeah, but look at him. Women's Group Leader: Well, you do make a valid point. Charlie is rather priss. I suppose if the Royal Order of the Elks is willing to initiate Charlie into the organization, then me and my women's club would have no problem with it. Elks Club President: Charlie, you're in! Elks Club Treasurer: Welcome to the Elks, son! Female Initiate's Husband: I don't know what to say. I wasn't expecting this. I'm touched! Female Initiate: You take good care of my husband, Jack, ya' hear? Well, if you fellas need me, I'll be in the woods hunting wild game. I expect Charlie home before six with my dinner on the table. Female Initiate's Husband: Yes, dear. Blow me a kiss? Female Initiate: Oh, be a man, Charlie. Women's Group Leader: [ to Female Initiate ] Uh.. do you mind if I borrow that gun? I think I might want to shoot myself.. [ fade to black as the two women walk off ] Rate or review this sketch. |
