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Rocco.....Will Ferrell St. Peter.....Jeff Richards Tim Andrews.....Tracy Morgan Julia Fenton.....Ana Gasteyer John Dempsey.....Chris Kattan Richard Taylor.....Seann William Scott James Caan.....Jimmy Fallon Robert Garcia.....Horatio Sanz Elizabeth Carson.....Rachel Dratch Pope John Paul II.....Darrell Hammond Elizabeth.....Amy Poehler (OPEN in Heaven, basically a backdrop of clouds. The sketch is shot through a filter on the camera lens to give the setting a gauzy, hazy look. There is a large and elaborate gate at stage-right, in front of which a long line of slightly confused-looking people in street clothes are standing. This group includes JULIA FENTON, JOHN DEMPSEY, RICHARD TAYLOR, ROBERT GARCIA and ELIZABETH CARSON. In front of the gate, at a little podium, is ST. PETER, an old man in a white robe and reading glasses. He is looking over a file. A man, TIM ANDREWS, is standing in front of the podium). Tim Andrews: So, is everything okay? St. Peter: It looks as if everything here is in order Mr. Andrews...except, what's this about you being a Red Sox fan? (There is a pause, as Andrews looks shocked) Tim Andrews: You've got to be kidding me! St. Peter: (chuckling) Of course I am, my boy! Oh, you should've seen the look on your face! You can go right in, be sure to wipe your feet on the mat first. (Andrews looks relieved, and exits through the gate. St. Peter looks back out towards the line of waiting souls). St. Peter: May I have everyone's attention, please? Thank you. I'm Saint Peter, and as you may have figured out by now, you have indeed died. The good news is, you're all being considered for places in Heaven. I don't want to raise any expectations, but if you've made it this far, you're in pretty good shape as it is. (general applause from the crowd) Now, I know that it's sort of a tradition that when you come up to Heaven you meet St. Peter, but I'm afraid I'm just about to go on one of my breaks. After all, I'm up here in Heaven to have a good time myself, eh? For the time being, I'm putting the judgements in the hands of my capable assistant, Rocco. I'll hope to see everyone inside the Gates! (St. Peter exits through the gates, and passes ROCCO, a big, tough-looking biker. Rocco takes the place behind the podium) Rocco: Okay, let's get this show on the road! Next up, Richard Taylor! (There is a moment of stunned silence from the line-up.) Julia Fenton: Excuse me, you're Rocco? Rocco: Yeah, I think Saint Pete made that pretty clear. Now where's Richard Taylor? John Dempsey: Um, when is St. Peter coming back? Rocco: Save your breath for when you're begging for your soul, pal. This isn't Twenty Questions. I want to see a Richard Taylor in front of me in five seconds, or else he'd better get used to Hell! (Richard Taylor hurriedly makes his way up to the podium) Richard Taylor: I'm here, I'm here! Rocco: About damn time! That's strike one, already, Taylor. Do you want two? Richard Taylor: No. Rocco: No what? Richard Taylor: No, sir! Rocco: That's more like it. Okay, spread 'em. Richard Taylor: What? Rocco: I don't like your attitude, Taylor! Do you want me to kick your ass right down to Hell? Because I'll do it, I swear to God! Now put your hands up here, and spread them like you're in a prison! MOVE! (Taylor puts his hands on the podium, and Rocco roughly frisks him. After a few moments, Rocco moves back behind the podium) Rocco: Clean, and I must say I'm surprised, you piece of scum. Richard Taylor: Hey, that's a little uncalled.... Rocco: That's strike two! You'd better shut your mouth now, before it's opened for all of eternity from your screams in the burning hellfire. Now, let's have a look here...(opens the file). It says here you graduated from MIT with a degree in chemical engineering and worked as a technician for a pharmecutical company. Richard Taylor: Yes....sir. Rocco: Turns out you died when the chemical compound you were working on blew sky-high! I guess that degree you had didn't end up being worth a pile of crap, did it? Richard Taylor: It wasn't my fault, there must've been faulty wiring in the generator, and... Rocco: Can we get some tissues out here, because we've got a crybaby in our midst. I don't like whiners, Taylor, that's strike three! Get the hell out of here! Richard Taylor: Wait a second, I spent a year on a UNICEF mission in Sudan! Rocco: Then I guess you'll be used to the heat. SCREW OFF! (Rocco presses a button on the podium, and a trapdoor opens underneath Taylor. He falls through screaming, and flames and smoke emerge briefly from the door before it closes). Rocco: There's one less piece of crap in this toilet. Who's next?! (Nobody moves, and they all look shocked) Rocco: Come on, somebody has to be next! It says here I need to see JULIA FENTON! (Julia meekly makes her way up to the podium) Julia Fenton: That's me, I'm Julia Fenton. Rocco: Don't be scared, pretty lady. Ol' Rocco's not going to hurt you. Let's see what you've got. (Julia puts her hands on the podium and spreads her legs. Rocco is a bit more thorough in frisking her) Rocco: Everything seems to be in order here. (to the line-up) Hey, she sure didn't die from a heart attack while on her Stairmaster, that's for sure. Julia Fenton: Get your hands off me! Rocco: No worries, sugar. More cushion for the pushin', that's what I always say. Julia Fenton: Can you just look at my file, please? Everything should be in order. Rocco: Don't worry, I'll get to it. How did a pretty little thing like you end up in a place like this, anyway? Julia Fenton: The last thing I can remember is that I was crossing the street and I got slammed into by a bus. Rocco: I see. Well, if you ever want to get slammed into anything while you're up here, give me a call, eh? Julia Fenton: That's disgusting! Rocco: It's not any worse (checks the file) than that time in freshman year when you went to third base with Craig Lancaster on the first date. Julia Fenton: What? Give me that! Rocco: Hey! Nobody reaches over the podium! That's automatic damnation! I'll see that you burn like worse than that case of herpes you got from Craig Lancaster. Julia Fenton: I was young! I was in college! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH.... (Rocco pushes the button, and Julia drops down the trapdoor) Rocco: Did you see that, you maggots? That chick was obviously hot for me, but I still sent her to Hell! That's what happens when you break the rules. Now, does anybody else want to mess with me? No? I didn't think so. Who's next? (JAMES CAAN approaches the podium) Rocco: What's your name? James Caan: James Caan. Rocco: The hell you are! You ain't James Caan! James Caan: I'm not the actor, my name just happens to be James Caan. Rocco: I don't know what you're trying to pull, impersonating James Caan, but you can try your little games out on Satan! (Rocco pushes the button, and James drops into Hell) John Dempsey: Now look here, that was just unfair. You sent him to Hell just because of his name? Rocco: I might've sent the real James Caan, too! I thought Mickey Blue Eyes sucked! Robert Garcia: Who do you think you are? You can't just condemn people to hell for no reason. Elizabeth Carson: Yeah, you're nothing more than a bully. We're not moving until St. Peter gets back. Rocco: Oh, so that's how it's going to be, eh? Well that's it, all of you are condemned to Hell! (Rocco presses the button, and the trapdoor opens. Since nobody is actually standing over it, however, nothing happens). Um....if you could all move five steps forward and say that again, it would be much obliged. Robert Garcia: As if! Elizabeth Carson: How did an ass like you get this job anyway? Rocco: That's none of your damn business! I've got friends in high places, and that means I'm better than every single last one of you! You'll all burn in Hell, and I'll be up here being fed grapes from supermodels! You'll be sorry! (There is a rustle in the back of the line-up, and out comes POPE JOHN PAUL II, decked out in full papal regalia). Pope: Rocco? Is that you? Rocco: Uncle John? What are you doing up here? Pope: The Popemobile got T-boned by a bus, and even that was less painful than seeing this display! I ask God for a special favour to get you a job up here, and this is what becomes of it?! Rocco: Aw, I was just having some fun, Uncle John.... Pope: Fun? God is going to be the one having fun, since your ass is grass and He's the lawnmower! Let's go! (The Pope grabs Rocco by the ear and drags him through the Gates. A few seconds later, the angel ELIZABETH comes out and stands behind the podium). Elizabeth: I am sorry, everyone. Rocco will be unable to complete his duties for the time being. I will be temporarily filling in, and thus step forward to receive your eternal grace. (ELIZABETH CARSON steps forward) Elizabeth: Hello, my child. What is your name? Elizabeth Carson: Elizabeth Carson. Elizabeth: Well, it appears as though we have the same name. Elizabeth Carson: Yeah, that's a neat coincidence, eh? Elizabeth: There's only room for so many Elizabeths up here, and our quota has been filled. Goodbye. (ELIZABETH presses the button, and CARSON plummets into Hell. Fade to commercial) Rate or review this sketch. |
