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Dirk Dinkler.....Darrell Hammond Carrot Top.....Seth Meyers Pauly Shore.....Seann William Scott John Leguizamo.....Jimmy Fallon Alicia.....Tina Fey Felicia.....Amy Poehler [Open on a gameshow set. Dirk Dinkler is seated to the right of the three contestants. The three contestants, Carrot Top, Pauly Shore, and Leguizamo are seated in front of a buzzer and a score keeper. Where the names are written, Carrot Top has drawn a penis, Pauly Shore wrote "Pauly Whore" and John Leguizamo completely colored in the allotted drawing space, so instead of it being blue, it's white.] Dirk Dinkler: Welcome to "Who Wants to be Beaten by a Gorilla: Celebrity Edition", the show where the winner gets a spot in a "good" movie, the runner-up goes home with Alicia and Felicia, and the loser gets beaten to a bloody pulp by a rabid gorilla! Ayuh! Lets meet our contestants, from such classic movies as "Chairman of the Board", "Pure Danger", and oh yeah, he's a prop comic...Scott "Carrot Top" Thompson! Carrot Top: Hey, hey I'm happy to be here. Look at this: [Produces a doll from behind his podium which is in fact a penis with a turban on it] Get it? Get it? Osama bin Laden's a d... Dirk Dinkler: Very good Carrot Top! Now from such "flops", "bombs", and just plain bad movies as "Jury Duty", "In the Army Now" and "Biodome", Pauly Shore! Pauly Shore: I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Mariah Carey for finally making a movie worse than Biodome, I truly appreciate that Mariah! Dirk Dinkler: Okay, and finally, from the greatest movie of all time...wait I'm sorry, that's worst movie of all time, "The Pest", John Leguizamo! John Leguizamo: [All in one breathe] I'm naturally hyper...I'm naturally...I also drank two cups of Expresso...and did seventy grams of cocaine...I'm hyper...HYPER!!! Dirk Dinkler: Please Mr. Leguizamo, calm down! Now, above each of our contestants heads is a rabid, sex-deprived, caged-gorilla...sort of like each and every one of you, contestants! Ah ha ha....I got nothing. Anyway, each question our contestants get wrong, the cage drops three feet. Take note, the cage is only twelve feet above the contestant's head, so get four answers wrong, you're toast! Now, our runner up will go home with both Alicia and Felicia [Alicia and Felicia pass by the screen, wearing only bikinis] And the winner will get a role in the upcoming film Casablanca 2: Play it again, Sam! Okay, lets get started contestants. I'll read a question, you buzz in if you think you know the answer. Out of these three movies, which was the best? "Chairman of the Board", "The Pest", or "In the Army Now". Carrot Top: [Buzzes in] Hey, look at this! [Pulls two tomatoes, which are side by side and attached to a carrot. He also pulls out two connected melons] It's a genital salad! Dirk Dinkler: So which movie, Mr. Thompson? Carrot Top: Uhhh...the one without me... Dirk Dinkler: There are two without you. Carrot Top: Then the one without the war. Dirk Dinkler: So... "The Pest"? Carrot Top: Yeah, that one. Dirk Dinkler: No, I'm sorry, you're wrong [the caged gorilla moves down three feet] Anyone else want to take a guess? Pauly Shore: [Buzzes in] Yeah I'd like to say that I'm going to find Osama bin Laden and rip his testicles off and then shove 'em into his ears! Yeah! Oh and "In the Army Now" is definitely the best movie of all eternity. Dirk Dinkler: Modest, aren't you? No, the correct answer was: "All those movies suck hard...very hard!" [The cage above Pauly's head moves down three feet] Pauly Shore: Uh oh, am I going to die? ...A virgin??!! Dirk Dinkler: Moving on, here's the next question. Before the show, we had Carrot Top take an I.Q. test. Out of the following five who also took the same I.Q. test, which scored lower than Carrot Top: A) Regis Philbin, B) Haley Joel Osment, C)A deaf, mute, blind, retarded man who was in a coma at the time of the test, D) A llama, or E) A rock. John Leguizamo: AHHHHH!!! The worms! The worms! The worms are trying to eat me!!! I just took a little acid...just a little...[Leguizamo's cage drops three feet] Dirk Dinkler: No, I'm sorry, that's wrong. Anyone else? Carrot Top: I had to have scored better than the rock...I mean how can the rock even talk? Get it? Rock? Talk? Ah ha ha ha! Dirk Dinkler: No, I'm sorry, the rock beat you! [Carrot Top's cage drops three more feet] Pauly Shore, care to try? Pauly Shore: No, I'm afraid of Gorillas. But damn, didn't he at least beat Regis Philbin? I mean that guys a first star idiot! Dirk Dinkler: No, that's wrong also! [Pauly's cage drops three more feet] The correct answer: none of the above, none of the above. The next question, which of you has the largest penis? Just right in your answer down, you have thirty seconds. [The contestants immediately shove their hands down their pants. After a few seconds of hard thinking, they begin to write] Now, let's see what you got. Pauly Shore? Pauly Shore: I voted for me, because John Goodman has got nothing on me! Dirk Dinkler: Well, we'll see. Carrot Top, who'd you guess? Carrot Top: [Drew another picture of a penis, only this time it's much larger] Hey, look. This is it! Dirk Dinkler: You drew a picture of a penis. How...thought-provoking. Carrot Top: It's a scale drawing. I voted for me! Dirk Dinkler: [Cannot contain himself and begins hysterically laughing] Okay, Mr. Leguizamo, who did you guess? John Leguizamo: Myself of course! I'm not modest about it or anything. We Mexicans really pack the packages! Dirk Dinkler: No, I'm sorry that's incorrect. Years of cocaine abuse has shrunk your penis in size so it is now about the size of that of a toddler's. John Leguizamo: Who am I kidding. You are correct. Dirk Dinkler: Carrot Top, amazingly...you are wrong! And Pauly Shore, it seems your relentless and nonstop masturbation has made your penis somewhat of an oddity. You were correct! Pauly Shore: Yes! Yes! Ha ha! [Carrot Top's cage drops three more feet, Leguizamo's does the same, and Pauly Shore's is pulled back up three feet. Leaving Carrot Top only one more chance, Leguizamo two, and Pauly three] Dirk Dinkler: This is our final question today, so pay attention. Which of the following has Pauly Shore not tried to have sex with. A) A log, B) A monk, C) A cat. Pauly, what do you think? Pauly Shore: Ummm...definitely the log, I don't remember that one! Dirk Dinkler: No, I'm sorry...don't you remember Spring Break '89, and how lonely you were? Pauly Shore: [Sheds a tear] Yes! Dirk Dinkler: Carrot Top...what the hell? [We now see that Carrot Top's head is covered with feces] Is that...crap? Carrot Top: Yeah, ha, I guess the gorilla just couldn't hold it in any longer! Ah ha! Dirk Dinkler: Tell me the truth now Carrot Top, that isn't really Gorilla feces, is it? Carrot Top: [Looks ashamed] No...I've been saving it for a month. Dirk Dinkler: That's disturbing. Anyhow, which didn't Pauly attempt to have sex with? Carrot Top: Ahh...how about the Monk, no one tries to slam a monk, that's like trying to slam 'Liz Taylor! Dirk Dinkler: No Carrot Top, you're wrong, Pauly Shore attempted to rape a monk over fourteen years ago. John Leguizamo, what do you think? John Leguizamo: I'm not stupid Dirk! It's a woman, Shore has never tried to screw a woman, that's why he's such a loser! Dirk Dinkler: My God, you're right! Ha ha you're right! That means John Leguizamo you will be starring in the upcoming film "Casablanca 2: Play it Again Sam", Carrot Top, you're about to be beaten and raped by a rabid gorilla, and Pauly Shore you're going home with Alicia and Felicia! Pauly Shore: I'm gonna score! Hip hip hooray! I'm not gay! Hip hip hooray! I'm not gay! Carrot Top: [The cage falls and opens in front of him. The gorilla tackles him and begins dry- humping him] Wait no! I want the women! Come on Pauly, you get two woman, can't you lend me one of 'em! Dear lord this hurts! Dirk Dinkler: Join us next time on "Who Wants to be Beaten by a Gorilla: Celebrity Edition", when Roseanne Barr, Tom Arnold, and Sandra Bernhardt join us! I'm Dirk Dinkler saying be sure to have your loser actors spayed or neutered. Goodnight everyone! [Fade out while credits roll] Rate or review this sketch. |
