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Shaquille O'Neal... Seann William Scott Michael Jordan... Rachel Dratch Sammy Sosa.... Horatio Sanz Nerdy Man... Jimmy Fallon Hot Girl... Maya Rudolph Testimonial Black Man... Dean Edwards Testimonial Teen Girl... Amy Poehler Testimonial Old Man... Will Ferrell [Scene opens with a man and a woman standing on a basketball court. They are playing a game of one-on-one, and neither is very good. The man wears a Shaquille O'Neal Laker jersey and the woman wears a Michael Jordan Bulls jersey.] Teenage Boy: [pointing at them] Hey, look, it's Shaq and Air Jordan! [A crowd of kids rushes over to mob the man and the woman. They sign some autographs for the kids and then smile for the camera.] Shaq: Hi, I'm Shaquille O'Neal. You might recognize me as the all star center for the Los Angeles Lakers. Jordan: And I'm Michael Jordan. You may know me as the best basketball player of all time. Shaq: Wait... I know what you're thinking. You're saying... Hey, Shaq looks awfully short and white today. [They both chuckle] Jordan: But if you look closely, you will see that we are not really Michael Jordan and Shaquille O'Neal. [She removes her jersey.] My name is really Karen. I'm a college student, and I look nothing like Michael Jordan. Shaq: But with these new Starter All-Star Jerseys, people will be fooled into thinking you are a famous sports legend! Jordan: It's true! These new jerseys are so authentic, and made from 100% durable nylon, that you will be able to pass for the athlete of your choice. Take a look! [Scene cuts to an overweight man walking in a mall. He stops, looks around, and then slips on a Sammy Sosa jersey] Woman: Oh my God! It's Sammy Sosa!! [Ten beautiful women rush over to him and start fawning over him. One of them whispers something into his ear and winks seductively. Sammy Sosa looks at the camera and gives a big thumbs up grin.] [Cut to another scene. A nerdy looking man approaches a woman at a bar] Nerdy Man: Hi, my name is Murray. Want to go watch TV at my parents' house? Hot Girl: Go to hell, Murray. [The Nerdy Man turns his back to her and slips on a Brett Favre jersey] Nerdy Man: [tapping her on her shoulder] Hi, I'm Brett Favre. Want to go watch TV at my parents' house? Hot Girl: [sliding up against him] Oh baby, sounds like fun. How about I bring three of my hot girlfriends with me? Nerdy Man: [turning to the camera] Thanks, Starter! [Cut back to Shaq and Jordan] Shaq: And men, these Starter jerseys aren't just for you. With our new WNBA line, women get a chance to be a pro athlete for a day! Jordan: Although take it from me, don't wear a Rebecca Lobo jersey into a lesbian bar! It's like waving a red flag in front of a pack of bulls! Like tossing chum to a pack of sharks! [They both chuckle] Shaq: Now, let's hear from some satisfied customers! Testimonial Black Man: I was in McDonald's last week and sitting right next to me, no lie, was Kobe Bryant! I said, damn, Kobe, what up, dog? We started talking and he told me about how he watched the Teletubbies that morning and about how his sister was a poopy face. Then he took off his jersey and...DAMN... it was this little five year old white kid. I couldn't believe it! So I went out and bought me a Starter jersey of my own. Now you should see the look on the brothers' faces down at the Y when John Stockton is dunking over their asses! Thanks Starter! Testimonial Teen Girl: When I was thirteen, my dad caught me sneaking into the house at three A.M. He was ready to ground me for life. But I slipped on my Starter Larry Bird jersey and it saved me. He came around the corner and said, "Oh, it's you, Larry Bird." I gave him an autograph and he said, "It is an honor to have you sneaking in to have sex with my underage daughter." I fooled him into thinking I was having illicit sex with basketball legend Larry Bird for three years! Boy, do we laugh about that now! Thanks Starter! Testimonial Old Man: [sitting in a wheelchair] I was sitting at my nursing home contemplating my own death when I saw an ad for the new Starter Legends of Baseball jerseys. I wheeled over to Sportmart and picked up a new Babe Ruth jersey. You should have seen the nursing home light up when I wheeled in wearing old number 3 on my back. The honeys flocked to me like flies on a turd. I spent the night with the lot of them, and even with my broken hip, the old Sultan of Swat called his shot each and every time. One of m'ladies even whispered to me, "Bambino, even though you died fifty years ago, you still love like a stallion." [He holds up a feeble and withered thumbs up.] Thanks Starter! [raspy cough] [Cut back to Shaq and Jordan] Shaq: So take it from me, Shaquille O'Neal. Jordan: And me, his Airness, Michael Jordan. Shaq: With new Starter jerseys, people will actually think you are a famous athlete. Wear them in public. People will admire you! Jordan: And remember, there's nothing more appealing, or cool, than a man wearing a sports jersey! Women love it! [The two of them go back to shooting hoops, never even coming close to the basket.] Voiceover: Starter authentic jerseys are sold at Sportmart, Big 5, Walmart, and all places where men feebly try to hold on to their limited athletic careers. [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
