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Tony Danza.....Jimmy Fallon Miss Texas.....Ana Gasteyer Miss Idaho.....Maya Rudolph Miss Utah.....Tina Fey Miss Florida.....Rachel Dratch Miss Oregon.....Amy Poehler Tony Danza: [with his heavy accent] ...Alright, we're back to the Miss. America pageant. For the first time ever, we'll be giving the contestants a quiz. Alright. I'll ask a question and you guys just hit the button in front of you for the answer you'd like. Any questions? Miss Texas: Um, ya'. Will ya'll be givin us the answers? Tony Danza: [gives a how-stupid-are-you look] No. Any other questions? Miss Idaho: Yeah. Do we choose what we think is the right answer or what we think is the wrong answer? Tony Danza: [slightly annoyed] What do you think? Miss Idaho: Now you dont need to be gettin like that. I just axed you a simple ques-chin! Tony Danza: Uh huh. Right, you choose the answer you think is correct. NOW, the first question is...Complete this: "Life, Liberty, and the persuit of..." blank. Is it A: Steak, B: Happiness, or C: Beauty. [All contestants' boards read C, except MISS FLORIDA, who has chosen Steak.] Tony Danza: No, it's happiness. I could MAYBE see why beauty would be -your- answer, but come on, STEAK? What are you, retarded!? Miss Idaho: Now see, you be gettin all ig-no-rant again, see? Don't make me come down the' and beat you! These is mah girls! Tony Danza: Stop talking like that. Miss Idaho: Like what? This is how I talk, foo'! Tony Danza: You're from Idaho. Miss Idaho: Who are you to tell me where I be from!? Huh? You don't know me! Tony Danza: You have a banner on. Miss Idaho: Oh. Tony Danza: Question Two... what is my name? A: Tony Danza, B: Dan Rather, or C: Bob Saget. [All contestants' boards show C, except MISS FLORDA, who shows B] Tony Danza: Oh my God! I'm Tony Danza, you fools! Miss Texas: Um, ya mean you're not the guy from 'Full House'? Tony Danza: No! Miss Florida: And you're not Dan Rather!? Tony Danza: Hell no! Miss Utah: Um, then what were you in? Tony Danza: Alright, question number three. The atomic weight of Silicon is? A: 14.75, B: 28.08, or C: 98.32. [All contestants' boards show 'B'] Tony Danza: Holy crap, that's correct. Maybe you guys ain't retarded] Miss Utah: Did you guys do eenie-meeny-miny-moe too? OTHER CONTESTANTS: Yeah! Miss Utah: With the 'Dirty dishrag' part added? OTHER CONTESTANTS: Uh huh! Tony Danza: Nevermind. [Sighs] Tony Danza: Alright, next question. The opposite of up is ...what? Is it A: hard, B: Cheez-It [MISS FLORIDA nods], or C: down?? I'll give you a hint. What goes up, must come...? [All contestants' boards say A, except FLORIDA, who has chosen Cheez-It] Tony Danza: Heh! I get it! What goes -up-, must come hard! Sexual puns crack me up! I just kill myself sometimes! [starts to choke] Holy Crap! [clenches his stomach and continues to hack] Jesus! Would one of you broads help me!? [MISS FLORIDA twirls her hair. TONY DANZA falls to the ground.] Miss Oregon: Um, do you think he's like choking? Tony Danza: What do you think ya moron!? [gasping for air] Miss Idaho: I don't think we should help him. Miss Utah: Yeah, he's not very nice. Tony Danza: I hope all of you burn in hell! [TONY DANZA dies.] Rate or review this sketch. |
