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Patriot Driver.....Seann William Scott Traffic Cop.....Will Ferrell [ open on wide shot of New York City street, cars whizzing by - car adorned with American flags comes into view from right ] [ cut to close-up shot of patriotic car, complete with "Death To The Taliban" painted across the back side window ] [ cue police siren, as patriotic car comes to a stop on the side of the road, and Traffic Cop enters from right ] Patriotic Driver: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yeah, there's a prob- [ stops when he sees all the flags ] Can you see with all these flags on your car? Patriotic Driver: Yeah, I can see just fine. Traffic Cop: [ noticing back side window ] "Death To The Taliban"? Patriotic Driver: [ defensive ] You got a problem with it? Traffic Cop: Well.. I'm upset about last month's attack, too, but.. that seems a little extreme. But, you know what? Not my area of expertise.. Patriotic Driver: [ angry ] What are you, a coward?! Traffic Cop: No, I am member of the New York Police Department. Patriotic Driver: Then start acting like one! The city lost a lot of people in that attack, and we're gonna kill the Afghanis! Traffic Cop: [ at a loss for words ] O-kay.. How about if I just explain what I'm pulling you over for? Patriotic Driver: I know why you're pulling me over! It's because you want to deny me my Constitutional rights and freedoms as an American! Traffic Cop: I'm all for Constitutional rights and freedoms, but you've got - Patriotic Driver: I've got too many flags on my car! I only wish I had a bigger car, so I could put more flags on my car! Traffic Cop: The flags aren't the problem, it's - Patriotic Driver: You're one of them, aren't you?! You're a Communist! A Nazi-symphaphist! Traffic Cop: [ angry ] Don't make me have to smack you! Patriotic Driver: You're a peace offender! Traffic Cop: I am trying to keep the peace! You're the one with "Death To The Taliban" painted across your window. Patriotic Driver: Oh? So, you think they should live?! As though what they did to the Twin Towers is no big deal? Traffic Cop: It is a big deal! But it doesn't make up for the fact that you are driving around with a busted headlight. Patriotic Driver: [ notices the headlight ] Oh. [ points across the street ] It was that Afghani cab driver over there! He smashed my headlight as an expression of his hatred for America! Traffic Cop: That cab driver is a Mexican. I'm giving you a ticket. [ writes out ticket ] Patriotic Driver: You know officer, when you give a ticket to me, you are really giving a ticket to America! Traffic Cop: Yeah? Well, I don't care who pays it, but it's going on your record, alright? Patriotic Driver: Sure, I bet you would give a ticket to apple pie too, huh? Traffic Cop: If apple pie was driving around with a busted headlight, I certainly would. The issue of how an apple pie managed to get a license in the first place is beyond me, but the busted headlight would definitely be grounds for a ticket. [ hands ticket to Driver ] Patriotic Driver: Well, fine! I'm taking this straight to the Supreme Court! Traffic Cop: It's not a federal offense, but.. you know what? Go right ahead. I'm sure you'll be a big hit in Washington. [ starts to walk away ] Patriotic Driver: I know my rights, man! This is totally unpatriotic! Traffic Cop: Have a nice day. [ exits ] [ Patriotic Driver pops open his trunk and gets out of his car slowly. He reaches into the trunk and pulls out a nuclear warhead with a blanket wrapped around it. He cradles it like a newborn. ] Patriotic Driver: It's okay, baby.. we'll get them.. we'll get them all! [ Patriotic Driver puts the warhead down gently, closes the trunk and returns to the driver's seat, as the scene fades ] Rate or review this sketch. |
