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.....Seann William Scott .....The Cast of Saturday Night Live .....Lorne Michaels .....A Young Boy [We open backstage where Seann is drinking a bottle of water. Jimmy Fallon enters right] Seann William Scott: Hey Jimmy! The show's going good so far, right? Jimmy Fallon: Damn right man! When Ana flashed her totums, I swear I almost exploded like a car bomb in Israel! Seann William Scott: I didn't realize that alcohol was going to be real! I thought for sure it would be water. But hey, the show's going good. Jimmy Fallon: Maybe I won't get fired tonight! [Laughs] Seann William Scott: [Sarcastically] Yeah, like you would! Jimmy Fallon: You think I'm kidding? Seann William Scott: Well yeah... Jimmy Fallon: [Leans in, and in a whisper] Well let me tell you a secret Seann, Lorne is like a rabid dominatrix! Even if the show's going good, he still hates us. You've got to understand [suddenly stops talking] Shhh...he's coming. [Lorne enters, followed by the rest of the SNL cast] Lorne Michaels: Seann, the show's going good so far! Seann William Scott: Thanks Lorne! Jimmy and I thought the same thing! Lorne Michaels: Why don't you go out back so I can talk to the cast for a moment! Seann William Scott: No problem Lorne! [Begins to exit] Jimmy Fallon: No, wait, you can save...[is shrugged off by Seann, who continues his exit] Lorne Michaels: Now listen to me you scum-incrusted Elizabeth Taylor rip-offs! I'll tear off your testicles and/or breasts if you don't start making this show funny! Tracy Morgan: But Lorne... Lorne Michaels: Tracy, you're doing great! [Tracy looks relieved] But the rest of you...well here's the deal. I'm firing many of you so I can replace you! Chris Kattan... Chris Kattan: Please Lorne, show mercy! Lorne Michaels: You're fired for being too involuntarily gay! I'm replacing you with Tom Cruise, who has the same problem but is also involuntarily funny! [Chris exits with his head hung down] Ana Gasteyer, you're fired for being involuntarily ugly and also flat. I may as well replace you with Debra Messing! Ana Gasteyer: Damn Lorne, I knew this day would come...but Debra Messing?! [She exits] Lorne Michaels: Jimmy Fallon... Jimmy Fallon: NO!!! Lorne Michaels: As I was saying, Fallon, you're fired for being more of a sex symbol than I! I'm replacing you with John Goodman, the epitome of anti-sex symbol. [Fallon exits] Darrell Hammond, Horatio Sanz, and Dean Edwards, you will be replaced with Carrot Top, Pauly Shore, and John Leguizamo, as they have equal acting talents to yours. Horatio Sanz: But I'm willing to eat anything! Lorne Michaels: So is Pauly Shore! Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler, and Maya Rudolph, I'm replacing you with three whores I met on Broadway. I'll also be serving as your pimp from now on. From here on out, you're for sale! Jeff Richards and Seth Meyers, I've traded you for Ray Romano...that man is funny! [Thinks for a moment, then begins hysterically laughing] Ha ha, that was a good one he told. So get out! [Tina Fey, Will Ferrell, and Tracy Morgan remain] Lorne Michaels: Tina, as long as you continue to give me "favors", you're set. Tracy Morgan, I'll never fire you, and Ferrell, you know your place on the show. [Tina and Tracy exit] Will, aren't you going to get ready for the next sketch? Will Ferrell: What nerve you have, you bastard! Lorne Michaels: What's wrong Will? Will Ferrell: You son of a bitch! You canuck bastard! You frigging monk! Lorne Michaels: Please Will, you know I care about you. I need you like Colin Mochrie needs his breast fix every day! Will Ferrell: You think you're god of all, don't you Lorne? Just because you're king-crap producer, the most hippest producer around eh? Eh you Canadian bastard? Eh??!! EH!??! Lorne Michaels: Will, what's wrong?! Will Ferrell: You should know you anal-intruding wannabe! What about Quincy Jones Lorne? He produces MadTV and he's just as special as you? Isn't he Lorne? You wanna run with the dogs? Then take off that leash you wear! That's right Lorne, you're a frigging dog! A frigging monk- dog! You skanky frigging ho! Lorne Michaels: Will, I need you, you're the star of this show, the all out most important! Don't leave! Will Ferrell: I'll leave if I want to you ignorant slut! How many guys did you sleep with to get your own show anyway Lornio? Did you sleep with Johnny Carson? I bet you did you damn communist! Communist! Eh? Eh? Lorne Michaels: [Coaxingly] Please Will, if you'd calm down I'd go get you one of those sun-flower bagels with crab-apple jam on it, that you love so much! Will Ferrell: Screw you Lorne! Screw-hoooo ya-hooo! [Stomps offstage and sees a little boy holding a baseball glove at a water cooler] Young Kid: Hey mistor, could I 'ave your auto-gwaph? Will Ferrell: What nerve you have you little piece of crap! I bet you go home and masturbate to pictures from Princess Di and Prince Charle's honeymoon! If not that then you're examining your mouse- sized testicles aren't you? Well guess what you little skank! I don't have time to do that crap in my busy schedule which included screwing super-models and news anchors! That's right, while you're staring at pictures of Dan Rather in a tutu, I'm bagging Barbara Walters! So eat that! [Continues out of view. The child runs off yelling for his mommy] Lorne Michaels: [As Seann William Scott appears from offstage] Hey Seann, the show's going great so far, keep up the good work! [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
