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Mr. Larue.....Jerry Minor Mandy.....Ana Gasteyer girl#1.....Rachel Dratch Girl#2.....Tina Fey Ritchie.....Horatio Sanz Jordan.....Jimmy Fallon Leon the gay kid.....Chris Kattan retarded kid.....Darrell Hammond Danny.....Will Ferrell Tabitha.....Maya Rudolph Jenny.....Amy Poehler (setting is in a classroom with students quietly sitting at their desks reading books, accept for two girls who are wispering to each other. The teacher notices and looks up from his book annoyingly) Mr. Larue: Excuse me! Did I say that this was talking time? Both Girls: No, sir. Mr. Larue: Is that what you call "reading silently" Both Girls: No. Mr. Larue: Well it's funny to me that the whole class can follow directions except you two. Stand up. (they stand up) Now, what was so important that it couldn't wait until after class? (they stand there nervously) Go on. What are you waiting for? Tell the class what you were talking about! Girl #1: Well...I...she.... Girl #2: Yea...we.... Mr. Larue: I...he...she...(he says mockingly) Go on! Speak! Girl #1: She was at the movies- (they start talking at the same time) Girl #2: It was totally awesome- Girl #1: Totally- Girl #2: Tommy was like "Hey what's up"- Girl #1: And she was buggin'! He actually talked to her- Girl #2: he is so fine- Girl #1: He asked her out- Girl #2: But I sneezed in his face- Girl #1: And he called her a whore- Girl #2: But he was only kidding- Girl #1: And now they got the hook up- (teacher interrupts) Mr. Larue: Ladies! (they stop talking) I hardly consider that important! Girl #2: You should've been there G, cuz' we were to' up from the flo' up! Mr. Larue: Did I give you permission to speak? Girl #2: No,sir. Mr. Larue: Then shut your stink'n trap and sit down...both of you! (they do so) Now then, the next person I catch talking will get detention! Is that understood? Whole Class: Yes Mr. LaRue. Mr. Larue: Alright then. Keep reading silently. (the room becomes silent. A few seconds later the silence is suddenly broken when someone let's out a huge fart. The students start laughing) Be quiet! Shut up! (they keep laughing) EVERYBODY SHUT UP!! (they get quiet) Who did that? (No one speaks) If I don't hear a confession in the next five seconds, then the whole class gets detention! Richie: .........IT WAS ME! I thought it would be silent....but it didn't come out that way!!!! Mr. Larue: If you knew you had to do that then why didn't you ask to go to the restroom? Richie: I was afraid, sir! Mr. Larue: Afraid of what? Richie: I was afraid that Rob Stevenson would give me a swirly. Mr. Larue: That's Obsurd! It's D-hall for you! Jordan: God! You stink, Richie! Richie: Shut up! Jordan: My Lord! He crapped his pants! Richie: I did not! All I did was...(makes a disgusting face) Whoops! Whole Class: EEEW! (Richie runs out of the room crying) Mr. Larue: Class! Shut Up!!! Get back to reading! (the class becomes silent meanwhile a girl folds up a piece of paper and hands it to the person sitting beside her) Jenny: Give this to Jordan! (the person does. Jordan gets it and is seconds away from opening it when the teacher grabs it from him) Mr. Larue: Well,well,well. Lookie what we have here! A love letter! Danny: Read it out loud, Mr.Larue! Jordan: Shut up, Danny! (Mr. LaRue Opens it) Mr. Larue: It says "Dear Jordan. You're so fine, you should be mine. You taste like wine,you go fight crime. I love you so,and you should know. You kick major ass, and go fishing for Bass. You have a cd-rom,cuz' you're the bomb. I went to see "The Cell". I wish you were near, I hope you like me too, but if you don't, then screw you, and go to Hell,cuz' you're a queer. Love Jenny." (the class laughs and points to Jenny and Jordan) Mr. Larue: Class! That's enough! Don't you guys listen at all? Jenny: You didn't say anything about passing notes! Mr. Larue: You knew what I meant! That's it! I've had it with this Class. I'm going to move one of you. Jordan, I want you to move to the back with Leon. Jordan: Leon?!! Please don't make me sits next to the gay kid! Please! (he looks back at Leon. Leon's looking back at Jordan giggling) Please!! I didn't even do anything wrong! Mr. Larue: Hey! I'm the teacher and I know what's best! (Jordan slowly gets up and moves toward his new seat. The gay kid winks at him. Jordan sits down and closes his eyes.) Leon: Hey Jordan. What's shakin'? Jordan: Don't touch me. Leon: Geeze, you don't gotta' get an attitude,Miss Lady. Jordan: Whatever. Retarded Kid: My name is Bob...It. Bob It. I'm the mayor of Bobtown. Jordan: Oh God. Now I have to sit by a homosxual AND weirdo. Leon: Who you calln' a homo, little man? Jordan: YOU! Leon: GIIIIIRL! I will bitch-slap you! Jordan: Try it, ELTON! Leon: I will take my high heals off and kick you in your hiney! Mr. Larue: Boys! Stop talking and read! (leon leans over and whispers to Jordan) Leon: I hope you get fat. Jordan: Shut up! (he looks at retarded kid) Retarded Kid: I have a beefy taco. POOP! Jordan: Mr.LaRue!!! Mr. Larue: What? Jordan: Can I slam my head in the door...I mean... Can I go to the bathroom? Mr. Larue: I guess. You have five minutes. Jordan: Thank you so much! ( he runs out of the room) Leon: Geeze. What was up his butt. (he leans back in his seat and closes his eyes) Hmm...men! (meanwhile, Danny is has a small tv on his desk and takes a huge bucket of chicken out of his backpack.) Danny: Ha ha! Yea! (he takes a bite out of a chicken leg) Mr. Larue: Danny!! What the heck are you doing with a tv on your desk? Danny: (tries to talk with his mouth full) "Daria" is on!! Mr. Larue: What are you doing with that bucket of chicken?? Where did you get it??!! Danny: KFC!! They're double-basted! (the teacher walks over to him and grabs the small tv and the bucket of chicken) Mr. Larue: Go to the office! Danny: ...Okay. (he walks out of the room) Mr. Larue: Now listen to me! No more notes! No more TVs, no more chicken! (Tabatha raises her hand) What?! Tabatha: What about M&M's? Mr. Larue: No food! ESPECIALLY no chocolate! Tabatha: But M&M's has a thick candy shell. Mr. Larue: NO food! I've had all I can take from this class! Do not say another word! Not one word! (he angrily takes a bite of of a chicken legand walks back to his desk. Tabatha raises her hand again) What is Tabatha?! Tabatha: Does this mean that, like, we can't talk? Mr. Larue: What do you think? Tabatha: Hmmm...I think that kittens and puppies are prettier than snakes. Mr. Larue: God have mercy on your soul. Tabatha: Like, you too! (she looks at the retarded kid next to her) Retarded Kid: I'm a big booger. Tabatha: Like, oh my God, Me too! (It gets quiet for a minute. camera focuses on the teacher. suddeny "Like a Bird" by Nelly Furtardo plays. Camera switches to Tabatha. She has a stereo on her desk and she's on top of a desk sing and dancing) "I'm Like A bird!!! I always fly away! Leon: You go, girl! Mr. Larue: Turn that off and get your ass down from there this instant! Tabatha: Like, why? Mr. Larue: What do you mean "why"?? I said you couldn't do that! Tabatha: No, you said we couldn't talk, so I'll sing pretty songs! Mr. Larue: NO! (he gets up and turns the stereo off) Get down! (she does) Tabatha: What's up,doc? HE HE! I'm happy! Mr. Larue: No! You're high! SIT DOWN! Tabatha: He he! (she snorts) Okay! Mr. Larue: I've had it with this class! You people are dumb,retarded,mindless little freaks! I quit!!!! (he runs over to the window,opens it, and jumps out.) Tabatha: Like,oh my God! He's flying! Yay!! Leon: He's not flying, dumbass! He's dead! Tabatha: Yay! I wanna fly,too! Leon: You really are that dumb, aren't you? Tabatha: Like, yes! Let's dance! (she turns the stereo back on. The same song plays and they all get up and dance. Leon starts dancing with the retarded kid) (fades) Rate or review this sketch. |
