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Darrell Hammond.....John Ashcroft
Announcer: And now a message from Attorney General John Ashcroft [Open on Ashcroft, sitting with his hands in his lap] John Ashcroft: Hello Americans, I'm back! Actually I'm here tonight to address you once again, this time on new matters that have arisen in the last week concerning the war on terror. Tonight President Bush is preparing for rub-down...I'm sorry that's debriefing in the White House, so I am addressing you in his place. First off, it's come to my attention that people are beginning to believe that George Clooney is A) my son, B) my father, or C) my lover, I swear America, he is none of the above! Now that I've dealt with that matter, on with my speech! As you very well know by now America, we have begun bombing Afghanistan. However, our military tactics are rusty, so the militants...sorry that's military strategists in this country looked to me for some game plan. This is what I've come up with [Produces a can of peas from behind his desk] Yes I know what you're thinking America, what the hell will a can of peas do? Well we drop the cans of peas all over Afghanistan. The Taliban will find the peas and attempt to eat them, but what they don't know is that every can is expired by at least a month! They'll be eating expired peas! It's genius, isn't it?! [Clears throat] We also have had many tips about possible terrorist attacks to come in the near future. Some of these attacks, though possibly rumors could include: * A bombing of the Hoover Dam * Anthrax or Smallpox unleashing in such major cities as Los Angeles, Washington D.C., or New York City * The destruction of the White House, Pentagon, Capital building, or other major D.C. structures * The gang-rape of three innocent nuns * The complete destruction of the Sears Tower in Chicago * The creation of a new overweight homosexual pornography website * A bombing of various nuclear power plants around the country * The re-release of the movie "War of the Roses" [Shudders] * The assassination of various governmental and political leaders around the world * The cancellation of the show "The Simpsons"...dear lord no! * The recall of every Playstation 2 video game system sold in the United States * The release of a brand-new Michael Bolton album...we can only pray! Of course Americans, all these instances would be considered acts of terrorism, and all are possibilities, but I ask you not to fret. For if Michael Bolton does release a new album, we will do what we should have done years ago and execute Bolton! I have also been asked to read to you the F.B.I.'s list of the 22 most wanted terrorists issued earlier this week. If you know any of these people, you should contact the F.B.I., then prepare to be arrested and interrogated yourself as a possible accessory to terrorism! Without further ado, here are the 22 most wanted terrorists in the world: * Osama Bin Laden * Ahmed Khfaklan Ghailani * Mohammed Mariaklan Jhasoffli * Lex Luther * Bill Gates (Fiancier) * That kid from the Jeff Foxworthy Show * That other kid from the Jeff Foxworthy Show * Jeff Foxworthy * Chris Kattan * Bryant Gumbell * Jerry, from Survivor 2 * The aforementioned Michael Bolton * Any homosexual over-weight man who is in pornographic movies * Carrot Top * That woman that used to proclaim "Where's the beef"? * Bert, who can be located on Sesame Street * King Pin, the mortal enemy of Spiderman * Chucky, the "Good Guy Doll" * That witch from "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" * Oprah Winfrey * Judge Judy * Martha Stewart The final three on the list are to be considered the most highly dangerous in this country. I urge you all to assist in the hunt for these terrorist bastards! It's time to take action America, so I urge you, find anyone on this list and kill them! Kill them slowly...but be sure they're really dead! Voice Offcamera: Uhh sir, actually only three of the people you mentioned on that list are really terrorists, it seems like the rest you simply made up or added for your own pleasure... John Ashcroft: I won't be messed with! I'm John Ashcroft, I could kick your ass! Voice offcamera: Indeed sir, sorry sir. John Ashcroft: Now I guess I'll finish this thing up. Hold tight America, terrorism will get that swift kick in the testicles soon, so God bless us all! [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
