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Leonard.....Will Ferrell Borris.....Darrell Hammond Borris's Wife.....Rachel Dratch (Setting takes place on a porch of an old house on a farm. There's an old man sitting in a rocking chair singing "Your Cheatin' Heart" and playing a banjo. Another old man with a cane walks up to the porch. They both have real southern accents) Borris: Howdy, howdy. Leonard: Is that you, Borris? Borris: It surely is! That you, Leonard? Leonard: The last time I checked, I was. (he makes his way up the steps) Borris: Come get you a seat, you old rascal! Ahh. Hank Williams sure can tell it, cain't he? Leonard: No way. (he sits down in the other rocking chair) No one's bigger than Johnny Cash. Borris: Hey, want some of this Moonshine? (holds up the jug of whiskey) Leonard: No thank ye'. Alcohol gives me the runs. Borris: Oh. (he holds up a bag of pot) Whant some of this "Wacky Weed" stuff? I grew it out back. It seems to be pretty popular with the kids. Leonard: Naw,I only got one lung. I better save it, you know, just in case. Borris: Oh. Yeah, you're right. Leonard: Boy howdy Let me tell ya', I laid the biggest turd this mornin'. Borris: You're lucky. I've been a little barren for the last couple of days. I think I might have to switch laxatives again. Leonard: I tell ya', It made my as so raw that I find myself diggin' in there with my britches. And it feels like I might have himmoroids. Borris: Yea, well I got some Preparation H, if you need it. Just gimmie' a holler. Leonard: I might just take you up on that. Borris: I'd be much abliged. Leonard: Thank ye' kindly. But this off again/on again crappin' is for the birds. And I tell ya', I can't ever keep a roll of toilet paper. Borris: Aw!! (he says angrily) These days everyone has to have multi-colored toilet paper with designs and smells and things of the like! Everything has to be pimped up and pretty and such! Those stuck up rich freaks!! Toilet paper, shmoilet paper!! In our day we wiped our asses with corn cobs!! Leonard: Ain't it the truth, though? I mean "toilets"! Whatever happened to squeezin' out a steamer in the outhouse, in some weeds, behind a small bush, or heck, even your neighbors' toolshed? Borris: Exactly!!! Whats the deal! Leonard: I don't know, but them were the good ole' days. Borris: Yes sir-ee. Back then we talked abou farmin' and milkin' the cows. Now every conversation we have regards our latest and most abstract bowel movement. We think we're gonna die if we don't have one in 24 hours!! Leonard: And I don't feel any younger. I fell down the stairs again. Borris: Ih. You didn't break your hip again this time, did ya'? Leonard: Yea, but I just popped it back in place. No problem. Borris: Wow, does it hurt? Leonard: I'm sure it does, But I'm hopped up on Excedrin right now. Borris: Oh. Leonard: Well, have you heard from your son Tommy lately? Borris: Yea, he's gettin' married. Leonard: He is? Wow. Poor Tommy. Borris: I know. I met his bride-to-be, and let me tell ya', she looks AND talks like a man. She even has her hair cut short and kinda has a little mustache growin' on her upper lip. Oh well, I guess that's the style these days. Leonard: Woa. You know, she might be imbred. Borris: Maybe. I hope it doesn't show up in the gran' kids. Leonard: Ah, don't worry, it probably won't. Borris: Yea, you're right. (Leonard makes an awful expression on his face) Leonard: Uh oh. Borris: What? Leonard: It's that damn prune juice Merideth's got me on. Make way...(he gets up) I gotta crap again, and let me tell ya', it's a runny load. Borris: Oh. Well the bathroom's down the hall on the right. Don't stain my carpet. Leonard: I'll try not to. (Leonard opens the door and walks into the house. Borris picks up his banjo and starts singing the same song) Borris: "Your Cheatin' heart, will ne-" ( his wife walks out of the house and onto the porch.) Borris's Wife: Will you shut that up, already? Borris: What? Borris's Wife: You're drivin' me crazy with that song! Borris: It's a good song! Borris's Wife: Yea, well that song ain't gonna fix the sink!! Borris: Come on, honey! I told you I'd fix the sink after I get my perscriptions filled! Borris's Wife: Hah! Good lord, Borris! The last thing you need is MORE laxatives!!! You got the house all stunk up as it is! Why do you wanna go and make it smell like we got a wild animal livin' here, for? ...And stop lettin' your friends use our bathroom! They always make huge messes and I ain't gonna be cleanin' up no more of your little "accidents"! Borris: Look. I'll go to get my prescriptions filled as soon as Leonard and I are finished talking. Then I'll come home and fix the sink, alright? Borris's Wife: Oh, and buy some Lysol and some foam bathroom cleaner, I've got some major crap to clean up! (she goes back in the house.) Borris: Yeah, whatever. (Leonard cames out) So, did you empty your tank? Leonard: Yea, but don't blame the smell on me. It stunk before I got there. Borris: Yea. I had some eggs this mornin', and believe me, when I've had a good breakfast, watch out! Leonard: Yea, I've noticed that. Borris: I've got more gas than an Exxon Station! Leonard: I wouldn't doubt it for a second. Ooh. My seat cushion is messed up. (he turns around to fix the seat cushion. Thee is a big poop stain on the seat of his pants. Borris notices.) Borris: Holy Lord!! Leonard: What? Borris: Are you sure that you made it to the pot on time, cuz' you sure did make a mess on your ass. Leonard: Oops. Looks like I've stained my britches. Sorry bout' that. No wonder them damn flies keep followin' me. Borris: Now, that's what I call fudge. Leonard: Looks like I better run home and change my droors. See ya' later, Borris. Borris: See ya' later, Leonard. (Borris picks up his banjo again.) (Fades to black) Rate or review this sketch. |
