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Reporter--Horatio Sanz Girlfriend--Drew Barrymore Mother--Darrell Hammond Reporter's Boss--Amy Poehler Sergeant--Will Ferrell Anchor--Ana Gasteyer Young Reporter--Jimmy Fallon Sadam Hussein--Jeff Richards Open with action shots of the Marines, dressed in camouflage, jumping from a helicopter into water, stealthily walking with guns ready, eyes scanning from left to right as they walk in a uniformed formation. Lots of action. Lots of noise. Cut to Reporter in room by himself. (Black and white rooms like in the show Once and Again with Sela Ward) Reporter: (Shaking head in shame and looking down) I felt ashamed--like everyone thought I was a coward. A freedom moocher. Letting others fight for my freedom ate away at my manhood. Do I join? Do I wait? (he looks down) Deep down, I knew what the right thing to do was. My country was at war! And I was a bumbling idiot every time the subject came up. (cut to Reporter's girlfriend) Girlfriend: Did I think he was a coward? (She pauses to think) Yes, yes I did. Mother: One day, his father, who has ten purple hearts and was a top ranking general in the War of 1812, pleaded with him, "quit telling people we're related, boy, it's humiliating." That really influenced his decision. Reporter: That's when I enlisted in the UUUUHHHHHHH Boot Camp for Stuttering Reporters. His Boss: (fast and jumbled as one sentence) This damn reporter has jilted me out of 8.9 trillion dollars in lost ad space because of his UHs and UMs during his reports. UH UH UH UH UH UM (she imitates him). If he knew how to speak with some flowage I'd be the 5th richest person in the world instead of the 7th! The public wants the latest news NOW. Not ten uhs from now. Cut to Reporter at boot camp being confronted by the Sergeant. Sergeant: (screaming) Do you understand me? Reporter: Yes, um, Sir... Sergeant: What did you say? WHAT DID YOU SAY? Reporter: I said, yes, sir! Sergeant: Now drop your jaw and give me 50 complete clauses...now!!!! MOVE IT! Reporter: (Present. Not in boot camp) Before the UUUUHHHHHHH Boot Camp I had anxiety attacks when anchors asked spontaneous questions.... Cut to past tape of reporter doing news. Reporter: uuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, yes uh that is correct. Reporter: (present) But now, I invite it. Cut to tape of Reporter's current news coverage Anchor: Thank you, Reporter. Reporter: That all you got, girl? Come on, bring it on! Wussy! Reporter: (present) Most journalists say their duty is to report and not get involved. Now that I've gone to the UUUUHHHHHHH Boot Camp and had the UH HUH kicked out of me, I don't feel that way. Cut to Reporter interviewing Saddam Hussein Reporter: (interrupts Hussein's speech) You're a bad man, Saddam (Reporter jumps out of chair and tackles him.) Reporter: (present) I'm now proud to report to and for my country. (While leaving the set, Reporter, passes a young reporter who repeatedly says Um and Uh. Reporter walks away laughing and puts the L finger formation on his forehead. Announcer: The UUUUHHHHHHH Boot Camp. Say all that you can Say...in the shortest amount of time possible. Rate or review this sketch. |
