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Tracy Morgan - Brian Whose-Last-Name-Will-Never-Be-Remembered, News correspondent Live in Afghanistan Drew Barrymore - Barrymore, News Correspondent in New York Chris Kattan as Afghani Video Store Owner Darrell Hammond as Osama Bin Ladin Rachel Dratch as the voice of one of the Mrs. Osama Bin Ladins Open at a news studio in New York with Barrymore anchoring and wrapping up the previous story.... Barrymore: Thank you former Vice President Al Gore. To those of you just tuning in, Al Gore has announced he will be running...very fast and far away from the next presidential election. Now to Brian Whose-Last-Name-Will-Never-Be-Remembered who is live via video phone in the Afghanistan capital of Kabul. Brian: (exaggerated calm and composure) Barrymore, (he raises an eyebrow) we have come across a remarkable discovery. (Under his breath he pulls his elbow back with the battle cry "Yes! Me! I found it. Me. Not Dan Rather." He composes himself) Oh, here he is! Excuse me, sir, sir, can you come here please. I assure you, your identity will be protected. (An Afghani man, wearing a black ski mask to hide his identity, and a Kabul Video.com T-shirt joins the newscaster) Brian: Sir, I understand you have a video that belongs to Osama Bin Ladin. Video Store Owner: Mr. Bin Ladin returned a movie that was not the movie he checked out. It was a bad bad video. Brian: And how did you obtain this tape? Video Store Owner: -Bin Ladin had many many overdue tapes. I call Bin Ladin, "Return overdue movies you coward and face the fines you must pay!" He returned the tapes. Among them I find one with a Post It note (he is very rich and can afford those), "Do not release tape. My whites look whiter and my brights look brighter." Like I'm not going to watch that. Brian: Let's view the tape now. (he bows his head) Tape runs.... Osama Bin Ladin finishes putting on his fake beard and starts singing Hit me Baby One More Time by Britney Spears. One wall of the room is a fake "cave" set up. The wall is painted as a faux cave wall with big plastic rocks in front of it for a 3-D look. Bin Ladin brings in cardboard cut out men sitting in Indian style.) Osama Bin Ladin: (into mic) testing, testing, one, three, eight...testing testing. (He sits in silence for a few seconds and stares shyly, and timidly at the camera. Suddenly he speaks as profound as a boxing announcer) And now, weighing in at 80 lbs and standing 6 ft tall when he's not dodging bombs ....Osama Binnnnnnn Ladinnnnnnnnnn (he imitates a crowd roaring and continues to speak...) "Yeah, Bin Ladin.....whoo hoo....go home meanie.What? (he looks around even though he said it.) Who said that? (paranoid) Don't say that. Who is there?" (He composes himself) Propaganda Video take one---- Greetings from our cave, President Bush. you see here in this cave, that I am unarmed, I mean, unharmed by your attacks. So is the Taliban. (He puts his arm around the cut out to his left as it falls over). (He props it up and speaks to it.) Are you OK? Did you scrap your face on the rocks in this cave? These rocks are very real and very very sharp. (He touches one). OUCH! In this cave we're bickering, I mean, united by the attacks even though we can't fly anywhere or see anything in this pitch black cave. Now, if you please, listen to my first in command talk of how great I am for hiding out in this cave. (Bin Ladin squats behind the cut out and puts his lips in the cut out's mouth). Bin Ladin through Cut out--We will not release Bin Ladin. No Way. No day. He is in a cave. (ring, ring, ring, pause, knock knock...sound of door opening.....) Voice of Mrs. Bin Ladin: Kabul Video just called. We're going to return the movies. Bin Ladin--SHH! I'm in my cave, remember? Voice of Mrs. Bin Ladin: Whatever. (door closes) Osama Bin Ladin: This video sucks! (he kicks the fake rocks) Like I'd be sitting on rocks...I'm a freaking millionaire. Besides, bats live in caves, ew. (He shivers and trips over a fake rock and falls) Kabul Video, fine, fine, you'll get your stupid movies--none of them rewound...ha ha ha ha!!!! Brian: Wow. I smell ratings, re negotiation, and raise. Mr. O'Reilly can't be too smiley now! Ha Ha...I'd like to supersize my small office please, thank you! (composing himself). Barrymore, it is my observation, and this comes from years and years of hiding out in fake caves, that Bin Ladin is not really in one. Video Store Owner: (looks at Brian in shock) Dah! Rate or review this sketch. |
