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Karen Anderson.....Maya Rudolph Jo Beth Morrison.....Ana Gasteyer Cheryl Green.....Drew Barrymore [ open to "Consumer Affairs" set. Karen Anderson, dressed intelligent complete with glasses, sits between her guests ] Karen Anderson: Good evening. My name is Karen Anderson, and welcome to "Consumer Affairs". Halloween is less than three weeks away, and if you have children, this is one day of the year that concerns you a great deal. I'm sure you devote much time and care to your child's costume each year, but how weary are you to street safety and the perils of accepting candy from strangers? My guests today are experts on these subjects. Jo Beth Morrison will relate to us the dangers of certain types of candies being distributed this year, and Cheryl Green will notify us on how to keep our children safe while trick-or-treating. Now, Jo Beth, what kinds of candies are we watching out for this year? Are we simply trying to avoid overindulgent chocolates, perhaps for hypo-allergic reactions, or is there more of a danger involved? Jo Beth Morrison: Well, Karen, certainly kids could fare better than eating sugar-coated chocolates, whether they're allergic or not, but let's face facts - they're kids. They live for this stuff. It's what keeps them going. Just make sure they brush their teeth afterwards. Karen Anderson: Okay. Let me write that down. [ jots down a note to self ] Brush.. teeth.. Jo Beth Morrison: Chocolates are safe. They're a part of our cultural history. But what I would watch out for are these little peanut butter candies, you see these? [ holds up candy in either black or orange wrapper ] You see these things every year, but there's never a name or a label on the wrapper. You have no idea what these things are supposed to be. They come fifty to a bag, which is marked "Peanut Butter Candies", but don't be fooled. This is deadly poison. Karen Anderson: Well, I'm mystified. You're telling me something I didn't already know. I have a Tupperware container full of those little devils in my freezer at home. People have placed them in my kids' jack-o-lanterns for years, and all this time I've been too leery to let them eat them. Am I glad I booked you on this show! What else should we watch out for, Jo Beth? Jo Beth Morrison: Karen, there are an extreme amount of psychotic people out there inserting razor blades into caramel apples, and they're also filling Pixie Stix with cocaine. It looks like colored sugar, but don't be fooled. Your child will know the difference. Don't leave it up to them to protect themselves. Karen Anderson: Kids think they know everything. We need to be the parents. We need to watch out for them. Smack them in the mouth, if necessary. Jo Beth Morrison: You're absolutely right. Better safe than sorry. The kids will thank you later. I would also caution that parents use careful judgment when it comes to Dinosaur Eggs. Karen Anderson: Dinosaur Eggs? Jo Beth Morrison: Yes, Dinosaur Eggs. [ holds up a large Dinosaur Egg candy ] Proceed with caution. Sure, they're delicious, but your child could choke on these. They are difficult to swallow, just like Viagra. Karen Anderson: It sounds like sane, sound advice. Thank you for alerting us to the potential dangers of these candies, Jo Beth. To my left is Cheryl Green, a safety expert who wants to ensure your child's safety and well-being on Halloween night. Cheryl, what are some obvious safety tips that celebrants often overlook? Cheryl Green: Well, Karen, many children want to wear elaborate costumes, often ones that can obstruct their vision or cause them to appear invisible in the dark. I know these costumes are wild and exciting, but kids, please pass on the Gothic outfits. It will already be dark outside, so you don't want to wear solid black clothing. Just throw a bedsheet over your head and masquarade as a ghost. Sure, a ghost is boring, but it's also traditional and safe. You won't get hit by a car while crossing the street, and you want to be alive the next day to enjoy all of that candy. Karen Anderson: Absolutely. And ghosts are spooky. There's a lot of imagination involved with the paranormal and the supernatural, occult devil-worshipping and what have you. A time-honored tradition. Cheryl Green: And, speaking of the next day.. parents: stay with your kids. I know on Halloween night you want to hang out with your friends who don't have kids, but since you do, you also have responsibilities to maintain. You can socialize with your friends the next night for All Soul's Day, but stay with your kids for Halloween. Karen Anderson: It makes sense, it really makes sense. Now, are there any other costumes we should keep our kids from wearing this year? Cheryl Green: Well, as I'm sure you know, Karen, there is a huge market for "joke" costumes, faces in the news, that sort of thing. One dangerous costume out on the market this year is a face mask of Osama bin Laden. Whatever you do, please don't allow your child to wear this mask this year. With our military situation what it is right now, your child will only be asking to get shot at. If they're going to dress as someone from the news, stick with something safe, like a Bill Clinton mask. Karen Anderson: Now, there was a lot of controversy surrounding Bill Clinton a few years ago, but that seems to have died down since this year. Any drop in sales on that item? Cheryl Green: No, people still enjoy making fun of him. Karen Anderson: Terrific. That's just terrific. Any final safety tips before we close our show, Cheryl? Cheryl Green: Yes, Karen, more a word of warning, actually. [ to the camera ] Kids, stay out of trouble this year. No Halloween pranks involving toilet paper, okay? In Russia, toilet paper is a scarce resource - you'd be jailed for wasting it. Here, you'll just get a stern lecture from an authority figure, but still: save the toilet paper for the bathroom, not the third tree from the right. Karen Anderson: Your wisdom enchants me. Thank you, Cheryl. The kids should have a nice time this year, thanks to your helpful safety tips and Jo Beth's candy warnings. I'm Karen Anderson, and we'll keep you safe and informed every week on "Consumer Affairs". Good night, and have a safe Halloween! [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
