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Grandma... Ana Gasteyer Dad... Will Ferrell Mom... Tina Fey Beth... Drew Barrymore Scott... Jimmy Fallon Doctor... Darrell Hammond [Scene opens with the shot of a hospital. Then we cut inside to a family standing outside the door to one of the rooms.] Dad: Excuse me, doctor, can we go in and visit grandma now? Doctor: Are you her son? Dad: Yes, I brought the whole family to come visit her. Is she well enough to have visitors? Doctor: Well, yes. The surgery was a success, and although she is very weak right now, she would love to have some visitors. One thing though, try not to upset her. She is still in a very delicate state and we need to keep her calm. Try to make the visit as pleasant as possible. Dad: Okay, thanks a lot. [To his kids] You hear that, kids? Don't say anything that will upset grandma. We're just here to cheer her up. [They open the door and walk in. A very feeble and friendly looking old woman is lying in the bed, still hooked up to wires and machines.] Beth: Hi, gram-gram! Grandma: [very happy] Beth, you're here! Everyone is here! Oh, I'm so happy! Scott: [shocked] Oh my god, grandma, are you dying? [The dad grabs Scott and pulls him aside] Dad: [very angry] Listen, what did I just say? Don't upset grandma! Don't say stuff like that! Mom: Grandma, we brought some flowers for your room. Where should I put them? Grandma: You can put them on the table over there. Then I can see them from my bed. [The mom pulls out a bunch of yellow flowers from a bag.] Dad: You bought yellow flowers? I thought I said to buy white ones. Mom: I thought the yellow ones looked prettier. Dad: [angry] Damnit, I said WHITE FLOWERS! WHITE FLOWERS, YOU STUPID BITCH! Mom: [angry] Stop yelling at me! I just wanted to help grandma! Dad: GRANDMA HATES YELLOW FLOWERS! AND GRANDMA HATES YOU! Mom: You're the one who always says you hope grandma will die! You hate grandma! Dad: SHUT YOUR MOUTH! IT'S A GOOD THING WE ARE IN A HOSPITAL SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO VERY FAR WHEN I HURT YOU! Mom: I hate you! Go to hell! You can't treat me like this! I'm leaving you! [She starts to hit him with the yellow flowers. The dad is now covered with little pieces of leaf and yellow flower.] Beth: [crying] Stop it, you two! Please, not in front of grandma! Dad: [quickly snapping back to sanity] I'm sorry, mom. How are you, are the doctors treating you well? Grandma: [a little stunned] Um... well, everyone is really... uh.... nice. But I would like to go home. Dad: [getting angry] Why? Are they mistreating you? Are they doing stuff to you when you sleep? Whose ass do I have to kick? Grandma: Oh... no. No! Nothing like that. I just miss my house and my cats. Dad: Scott, get that son of a bitch doctor in here NOW! I am going to personally give him an ass beating! Grandma: No, please don't!! I love it here!! Scott: Dad, I don't think that's a good idea. Dad: Scott, you little pansy, get that doctor in here NOW! [The dad takes grandma's bedpan and flings it at Scott. Scott is doused with liquid.] Scott: Oh, man. I'm covered with grandma's urine! Not cool! Grandma: [in tears] Please, no! Stop fighting! No more fighting! Dad: [seeing she is upset] Okay, I'm sorry! Sorry! [holds up his hands in apology] My bad. Beth: Gram-gram, did you hear about my new boyfriend? Grandma: [clutching her hand] Oh, you have a boyfriend! I'm so happy for you, Bethie! Mom: [sternly] I thought you had broken up with Jamal. Beth: No, mom, we're in love! Mom: No daughter of mine is going to date a Negro! Beth: Don't talk about him like that! You're a racist! Dad: DON'T TALK TO YOUR MOTHER LIKE THAT! Beth: I hate both of you! I'm running away! Jamal and I are going to elope and get married and have lots of interracial babies! Mom: THE HELL YOU WILL! You are grounded for life, Beth! And Jamal is going to jail! No thirty-one year old man will sleep with my little girl! Beth: I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF! I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!! [Grandma is watching this argument with a horrified look on her face. Beth is in tears.] Dad: Look, mom, I'm sorry. [He holds her trembling hand] We're all sorry, everything is fine. [to his family] WOULD YOU STOP UPSETTING GRANDMA?! LOOK AT HER! [to grandma] As you can see, we are having some issues with Beth's boyfriend right now. But it will be okay. Grandma: [very tentatively] Uh... okay. Scott, how have you been? Scott: Look at my family, what do you think? It's like this every day. Dad: STOP BEING A DUMBASS AND ANSWER GRANDMA'S QUESTION! Scott: Don't call me a dumbass! Or I'll tell grandma how you sold her house while she was in the hospital! Dad: SHUT UP! GRANDMA IS NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THAT! Scott: Grandma, dad sold your house to pay off his gambling debts! He had your cats turned over to the pound! They are probably dead now. Dad: I WILL HIT YOU IN THE FACE! GET OVER HERE! [Scott runs away. The dad chases Scott around a table] Scott: [crying] By the way, dad, I'm gay. You have a homo for a son! Dad: [in tears] I DO NOT! MY SON IS ALL MAN! I HAVE NO SON! [Everyone is crying now. The doctor walks in the room and sees everyone in tears. The dad is covered with flowers and the son is covered in urine.] Doctor: [very angry] What the HELL happened in here? Grandma: [crying] They upset me! Can you tell them to please leave? Doctor: Jesus, what is with you people? I told you specifically, DON'T UPSET GRANDMA! Don't say anything that will stress her out! Dad: We're sorry. Things went poorly. Doctor: My God, she only has a few months to live! [Grandma gets a shocked look on her face and covers her mouth with her hands.] Dad: [hanging his head] Look, mom. I'm sorry you had to see all this. As you can see, we have some issues to work out at home. Grandma: [wiping away her tears] Well there's one thing you can do for me. Dad: Anything, mom. Just let us know. Grandma: I want you to take your angry, wife-beating ass, and get the hell of my room. And take your racist, horse-faced wife, your slut daughter, and your piss-covered pansy son with you! Mom: [gasping] Grandma! Grandma: Take them far, take them away, and never come back! If I so much as see any of your faces in this room again, Lucifer himself will wince when he sees what I do to you! [The family runs out the door in panic. ] Grandma: [yelling after them] And I better have another house built when I get out of here! You don't wanna mess with grandma! Grandma got a knife, grandma gonna cut you! [The doctor stands alone, eyes wide in fear.] Grandma: Now doctor... Strap that bedpan back on me and turn on my TV. I want to watch Oprah. [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
