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Alex Trebek.....Will Ferrell Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond Jennifer Aniston.....Amy Poheler Tom Hanks.....Jimmy Fallon (Jeopardy theme music plays) Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Our episode tonight was planned to be cancelled with the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center, but we decided to do it anyway. Also, let's please refrain from using ethnic slurs. That said, let's take a look at the scores. Jennifer Aniston is in first place with $90. Jennifer Aniston: Alex Trebek, you are a complete asshole! I hate you, you mustachioed idiot! Your house is a dump! Thank you. Sean Connery: I told you to do this backstage. (Sean Connery laughs) Alex Trebek: Did you listen to what I said about ethnic slurs? Moving on, we have Tom Hanks in second place with $10. Tom Hanks: Don't I tell you about it? I do not use ethnic slurs at all. Hey, I've got Wilson, my Cast Away co-star! You should see it, Alex Trebek! Alex Trebek: That's impressive, Mr. Tom Hanks. Moving on, in third place we have Sean Connery with an incredible -$18,500. Sean Connery: You suck, Trebek. I'll be taking over tommorow. (Connery laughs wildly) Alex Trebek: Yes, I like that. But right now, let's take a look at the categories for Double Jeopardy. And the categories are: Potent Potables, Movies Starring Either Tom Hanks or Jennifer Aniston, Foods That End In "Heeseburger", Ranting, Celebrity Couples Who Have Either Divorced or Married, Terrorist Attacks, and finally "Things Giving What Names." Jennifer Aniston, you are in first place so we will start with you. Jennifer Aniston: Yeah. I'll take Foods Ending In Heeseborger, Heeseborger, Heeseborger, No Coke - Pepsi for $500. Alex Trebek: That is Foods Ending In Heeseburger. For $600: "This food is like a hamburger, but with cheese on it." Jennifer Aniston: What is, Olympia Restaurant? Alex Trebek: No! That is not right. Mrs. Jennifer Aniston, please pick another category. Jennifer Aniston: I'll take Brad Pitt for $400. Alex Trebek: We already covered this in our first round, Mrs. Aniston - Brad Pitt is not a category. Because you are being uncooperative, I'll pick for you "Terrorist Attacks" for $200. The question: "This attack happened on Sept. 11, 2001, the largest terrorist attack on the U.S." (Tom Hanks buzzes in) Mr. Tom Hanks? Tom Hanks: What is, the attack on Pearl Harbor? Alex Trebek: That is not the right attack. Someone else please. (Connery buzzes in) Yes, Mr. Connery. Sean Connery: That would be an attack on the boobs of a woman living outside Chicago. Alex Trebek: I hate my job an awful lot. The answer is the attack on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. Mr. Connery, the board is yours. Sean Connery: The day is mine! I'll take Thanksgiving What Names for $900. Alex Trebek: That's Things Giving What Names, not "Thanksgiving". And the answer is, "This gave the name of Columbus, Ohio." (Connery buzzes in) Mr. Connery. Sean Connery: A turkey being humped by me. Alex Trebek: It's not anything relating to Thanksgiving, Mr. Connery. Unfortunately, the board is still yours. Sean Connery: I'll take Foods Ending In Heeseborger, Heeseborger, Heeseborger, No Coke - Pepsi, No Fries - Cheeps for $2000. Thank you, Jennifer Aniston. Alex Trebek: The answer is not Foods Ending In Heeseborger, it's... never mind! You know what? Forget it and let's just go to Final Jeopardy. The category is, "Who's your most-loved?" Just tell me who you are in love with. (music plays). For example, Jennifer Aniston could say Friends. I do not care if you lie to me. (music stops). Okay, let's start with you, Jennifer Aniston. You wrote down Brad Pitt is my husband. That's spectacular. Your wager? Friends. That's just great. Jennifer Aniston: You are gay, Alex Trebek! Alex Trebek: All right. Moving on, Tom Hanks wrote down, Wilson the Volleyball is in and you wagered in Cast Away, and I am, too." Good for you. (Tom Hanks smiles) Tom Hanks: That was my idea. Alex Trebek: Very Well. Finally, let's look at what Mr. Connery did. Sean Connery: You suck, Trebek. I hate you and your ass. Alex Trebek: You wrote down, "Alex Trebek Is A Bum". Okay that is good. and your wager, "A bum the size of Texas and he sucks." (Connery laughs wildly). That's beautiful, Mr. Connery. Good night. [fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
