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Ted Blanchet...Will Ferrell Happy Customer...Drew Barrymore Kid #1...some little boy Kid #2...some little girl Unhappy Parent #1...Darrell Hammond Unhappy Parent #2...Ana Gasteyer Cop #1...Jimmy Fallon Cop #2...Tracy Morgan Announcer...Tina Fey (fake commercial. Setting opens in a living room, where there is a man sitting in a chair drinking tea. Camera zooms up on the man.) Ted Blanchet: Hi. I'm Ted Blanchet. For years,I've suffered each and every single Halloween night because of rotten kids tresspassing on my yard, and begging me for candy. Well no more. I've discovered something that'll scare the s(bleep) out of them, the one thing that kids hate most. They've had nightmares about it, they fear it, and it'll keep them off my property. You see, every night for the past few weeks, I've secretly made trips to the graveyard at around Midnight, (shows clip of him digging in the graveyard in the middle of the night) collecting real decomposing corpses, and on Halloween night, I'm going to be the one having all the fun. When the kids come a'knocking on my door screaming "trick or treat". I'm going to give them little baggies of decomposing flesh! That's right! "Why would someone want to that to poor little children", you may wonder. The answer is simple...I hate kids as mush as I hate Afghans, and I still haven't forgotten about that flaming bag of poop those lice-infested little maggots left on my porch last year! But with this product, they'll now know not to ever step foot on my property again! It's just that simple. And when they go home and open the little "treat" I gave them and find that it's nothing more than a few decaying fingers and some ears, maybe even some organs, I'm going to be laughing...HARD!!!! And guess what? You can share in my bliss, also! Just go to any hardware store and ak for "Kid Off"!! It consists of a really good shovel, ad axe, and a really strong rope, you know, so it'll be easier to pull the casket out of the ground. And you can use the axe for two purposes: opening the casket, and using it to take the body apart to give to the little kiddies. Believe me, this is the greatest item on the market. Buy "Kid Off" today, and remember, don't go to the graveyard until really really late at night, because I think digging up dead bodies might be illegal, I'm not sure. (setting changes to a dark room where a woman sits. cameras zooms up on her. text at the bottom of the screen reads "Happy 'Kid Off' customer") Happy Customer: Thanks to "Kid Off", I am now looking forward to Halloween! As soon as those kids come ringing my doorbell, I'm gonna show them where they can stick those Snickers bars!!!! (setting goes back to Ted's livingroom) Ted Blanchet: See! I told you! If you hate kids as much as I do, then "Kid Off" is the perfect Halloween treat for you!! (He smiles into the camera. You can hear people beating on the front door. Some cops, unhappy parents, and children run in. The cops try and restrain him) Kid #1: That's the man, daddy! Unhappy Parent #1: Arrest him! Ted Blanchet: What's going on?!! Cop #1: You are under arrest- Ted Blanchet: What are you doing to me??!! Cop #1: Taking you back to the nut house where you belong!! Unhappy Parent #2: You Freak! Cop #2: You have the right to remain silent- Ted Blanchet: I will not be silent!!! Cop #2: Stop squirming! Ted Blanchet: I will not be silent!!!!!! Kid #2: You meanie! Ted Blanchet: I will urinate on you!!! (screen freezes) Announcer: Hate kids? So do we. Buy "Kid Off"! (SLOGAN) "Decapatate a corpse of your choosing today, and keep those kids away!" (fades to black) Rate or review this sketch. |
