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.....Drew Barrymore Tattoo Artist.....Jimmy Fallon Crazy Guy.....Will Ferrell Second Crazy Guy.....Horatio Sanz [ open on interior, New York City tattoo parlor, as the finishing etchings of an American flag are tattooed on actress Drew Barrymore's leg. A crazy-looking guy is standing quietly behind them. ] Tattoo Artist: There you go, Miss Barrymore. Hope you enjoy it! Drew Barrymore: [ swaying her leg from side to side ] Oh, it looks great! I can't to show my entourage! How much do I owe you? Tattoo Artist: Oh, no, don't worry about that, Miss Barrymore. It's free! Drew Barrymore: Free? Tattoo Artist: Yeah. Because it's patriotic. Tattoo parlors all across the country are doing patriotic designs for free. It's the least we can do. Drew Barrymore: Well, that's very sweet of you! I might be back next week - I'm thinking of having some sort of monkey tattooed on my upper thigh. Tattoo Artist: I can do that! Take it easy. Drew Barrymore: Thank you. [ exits tattoo parlor ] [ Crazy Guy shuffles along back wall ] Tattoo Artist: [ notices Crazy Guy ] Can I help you? Crazy Guy: Yeah. [ comes forward ] Did I hear you're giving away free tattoos? Tattoo Artist: Yeah, that's right, patriotic tattoos. Crazy Guy: Like Old Glory. Tattoo Artist: Yeah. Crazy Guy: How about a tiger? Tattoo Artist: What's patriotic about a tiger? Crazy Guy: I don't know. What's so damn patriotic about a flag? Tattoo Artist: It's a symbol of our nation's freedom! Crazy Guy: So? Isn't our nation strong? Like a tiger? Tattoo Artist: I don't know.. I guess.. I don't know.. Crazy Guy: [ pulls back his shirt sleeve ] Then, I'll take a tiger right here on my upper arm. Tattoo Artist: I'm not tattooing a tiger on your arm for free! It's gonna cost $50! Crazy Guy: No can do, my friend. I want the free special. Tattoo Artist: Look, I'll tattoo the America flag on your arm for free, but no tiger. Crazy Guy: Alright.. alright.. how about a compromise? A tattoo of a tiger.. taking a crap on the American flag. Tattoo Artist: How the hell's that supposed to be patriotic?! It's blasphemous! Crazy Guy: Look, I'm trying to meet you halfway here. How about a tiger with red and white stripes instead of black? Tattoo Artist: No! I'm not giving you a tattoo of a tiger! Crazy Guy: Well, how about a naked lady, then? Tattoo Artist: Absolutely not! Crazy Guy: Wait, wait, wait.. here me out. A naked lady doing a pole dance.. and at the top of the pole.. the American flag. Tattoo Artist: Have you been smoking crack today? What is your deal! Crazy Guy: I'll tell you my deal! I overhear you giving away free tattoos, and you're refusing my business! That's my deal, honcho! Tattoo Artist: I'll do a lady dressed in a flag skirt, how about that? Crazy Guy: If I can't see her snatch, then I'm afraid that's just not gonna cut it for me. What if she were naked and holding a flag in her hands, while riding on the back of a tiger? Tattoo Artist: [ shaking head ] Get out of my parlor, man! Crazy Guy: What about a tattoo of Osama bin Laden having sex with a tiger! Tattoo Artist: Get out! [ pushes Crazy Guy out of the parlor, as a Second Crazy enters ] Can I help you? Second Crazy Guy: Did I hear you right? You're giving away free tattoos? Tattoo Artist: Only if they're patriotic! Second Crazy Guy: Well, sinnce that guy didn't get one, can I get two? Tattoo Artist: [ flabbergasted ] What are they? Second Crazy Guy: I want one of them to be the Twin Towers. Tattoo Artist: Alright, I can do that. What about the other one? Second Crazy Guy: Godzilla coming in on the horizon! Tattoo Artist: Get out! [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
