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Tom Green.....Jimmy Fallon .....Drew Barrymore Policeman.....Jeff Richards (opens in a street near a bus stop. Tom Green and Drew Barrymore are standing on the corner.) Drew Barrymore: Honey, would you like to go to the movies today? (Tom Green doesn't answer. He's simply looking at the sky, mouth open, wide-eyed) Drew Barrymore: Honey, are you listening to what I'm saying? Tom Green: Look, Drew. Birds (points in the air) Drew Barrymore: Yeah, I know. Tom Green: I'd like to have sex with one of those birds. Drew Barrymore: (laughing) Oh, silly. Tom Green: That's wasn't a joke. Drew Barrymore: (confused) A human being can't have sex with a bird. Tom Green: Yes it can. See that raven? I bet if I had sex with it, I would give birth to many many ravens. Drew Barrymore: I wonder why you want to sleep with birds rather than me. Tom Green: (not listening to what she said) and I would nurture my eggs by sitting on them while singing (dancing and singing) "My bum is on the eggs, my bum is on the eggs, eggs under my bum, my bum is on the eggs." Drew Barrymore: Stop it Tom! That's sick. Tom Green: I am sick, sweetie. For example, today I was planning to masturbate while licking an elephant's trunk as if it was a penis. Drew Barrymore: I don't think there's any elephant in New York. Tom Green: I can find one. I am the most psychotic actor in the world. Drew Barrymore: What about Christian Slater then? Tom Green: I had sex with him. Drew Barrymore: (angry) What?! You cheated on me?! With a man?! Tom Green: I thought you were also bisexual. Drew Barrymore: Of course, but now that we're married, I wouldn't have sex with anyone else, man or woman. Tom Green: That's boring. Right now I would have sex with anything alive. (Policeman enters) Policeman: (looking at Drew Barrymore) Hey, are you Drew Barrymore? Drew Barrymore: (smiling) Yes, it's me. Policeman: (looking at Tom Green) And I suppose this is your husband. Drew Barrymore: Yeah. Say hi to the policeman, Tom. (Tom Green starts to smell Policeman and begins to hump him) Tom Green: (singing) "My bum is on the police, my bum is on the police, police have bums, my bum is on the police) Policeman: (yelling) Help me! I'm being raped by Tom Green! Drew Barrymore: Don't worry. He did that with our dog, Flossie. Tom Green: She really liked it. Drew Barrymore: You bet she did. I also tried her and damn she was good. Policeman: (still being humped by Tom Green) You guys are sick. I should arrest you for animal rape! Drew Barrymore: We didn't know there was a law against sexual relationships with animals. Tom Green: (stops humping Policeman) Hey Mr. Police, how about a three-way with a giraffe? Policeman: UWAAAAAAAAA! (runs away) Drew Barrymore: (angry at Tom Green) Are you happy now? Maybe we'll get arrested because of you! Tom Green: We won't. We will hide forever in Nebraska. He'll never find us. Drew Barrymore: Maybe. Tom Green: Hey Drew, do you remember when I hosted Saturday Night Live? Drew Barrymore: Sure, why? Tom Green: I licked my father's face live on TV. Drew Barrymore: I know. I was there. Tom Green: Why didn't we have sex in front of all the viewers? Drew Barrymore: Because I don't think people would like to see us having sex. Tom Green: (thinking) Do you think they would like to see us having sex with Flossie then? Drew Barrymore: I think Flossie already reached her limit for this week. Tom Green: Then, maybe we could do the entire cast. Drew Barrymore: Wow, great idea. Unfortunately, Chris Kattan is gay so I wouldn't be able to see his lollipop. Tom Green: Speaking of lollipops, I wanna lick camel testicles. Drew Barrymore: You should ask President Bush to drop you in Afghanistan then. Tom Green: Excellent idea Drew! I will neutralize the Talibans by having wild, wild sex with them and their camels. I'm going to the airport. See you soon! (Tom Green leaves) Drew Barrymore: Boy, I would like to whore up a Afghan woman too. Wait for me darling! (Drew Barrymore leaves) (fade) Rate or review this sketch. |
