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Tragic Clown... Horatio Sanz Mother... Ana Gasteyer Father... Darrell Hammond [ open at a birthday party; lots of young children are running around the living room ] Father: Well, I hope Peter is enjoying his birthday. The kids are sure having a blast, eh? Mother: Yeah, hon. Didn't you say you hired a clown? Father: That's right, honey. [ looks at watch ] He should be here any minute. [ turns to kids ] Hey, kids!!! Dum-Dum the Clown should be here soon! Why don't we all surprise him? Huh? Find a hiding spot in this room somewhere! Quick! [ the kids cheer, and all hide somewhere in the room ] [ suddenly, a loud "ding dong" is heard. Father opens the door and is knocked onto his butt, as the Tragic Clown throws open the door and staggers into the living room. He is wearing makeup, and has a sad face painted. ] Tragic Clown: Hey kids! Kids?! Father: [ getting back to his feet ] You're Dum-Dum the Clown? Tragic Clown: No, man, that guy died, man. He downed a whole bottle of Advil in one gulp. He broke my record, which was 3/4 of a bottle. But that's only because some of the pills fell out. Mother: Are you serious?! Tragic Clown: Of course I'm serious, sister. I'm a sad clown! [ suddenly, the kids all jump out from their hiding spots ] Kids: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [ more screaming ] Tragic Clown: AAAAAAAAAA! [ psychopathic high-pitched scream ] Father: OK, kids, settle down. Settle down. This is the Tragic Clown. He's gonna make balloon shapes! [ Kids start cheering in approval ] Tragic Clown: Shut up!!! Shut your friggin' traps! Here's my first one. takes out a balloon and wraps it around to form a gun, then hands it to kid ] There ya go kid, now go kill yourself or something. Mother: What?! Father: Oh, come on, honey, that was awesome! Do more, Mr. Clown! Tragic Clown: Alright. here's a favorite of mine. [ takes out a brown balloon, then opens a plastic bag and pours some green and brown flakes out of the bag, into the balloon, then blows it up ] Here you go, kid. A nice long blunt for you to huff on. Have fun there. Mother: OK, you are not a clown. You are a freak! Father: Come on, give the guy a break! He's just trying to make ends meet. Tragic Clown: Alrighty, kids, now it's story time! [ he sits down on a chair as all the kids gather around ] Mother: Oh, great. Just great. [shakes head ] Tragic Clown: Once upon a time, there was this clown, and he was happy all the time. He was so happy, he'd go outside and play all day with his friends. Then, one day, his mommy came home from work, and she was really cranky. "I want some candy," the young clown said. And Mother frowned and said "Honey, you shut your mouth. Mommy has to go inside to handcuff Daddy to the bedposts naked." Mother: All right, Mr. Clown, that's enough. Get out of my house! Father: Honey, just calm down. Let him finish. It can't be much worse, can it? Tragic Clown: . and then Mommy brought in a nanny goat. And no, daddy wasn' t just there to pet it, either. He had other more naughty plans in mind. So Mommy uncuffed Daddy, and then handcuffed the goat... Mother: (screaming) STOP! Get out of my house! You sick bastard! Father: (laughing hysterically) That was hilarious! Do more! Mother: Kids, story time is over, go back outside. [ The kids leave ] Tragic Clown: Great stuff, eh? That'll be four hundred bucks. Mother: We are not paying you! Tragic Clown: Give me a break, will ya? I have to take three jobs just to keep my debt in triple digits. Father: Oh, yeah, aren't you a driving test evaluaror down at the DMV? Tragic Clown: Yes, that's me. I laugh whenever I see a white kid with a bright future that's gonna take the behind-the-wheel. Then I say "I don't care if this kid's Jesus, he's gonna fail with me as his grader." Sometimes I fail students because their car does not have a glove box big enough for me to stash my blunts in. Mother: So not only do you distribute marijuana to children, you also fail driving students just because they are white? Tragic Clown: Yea. Mother: All right. You are a disgrace. (at the top of her lungs) GET OUT NOW!!!!!!! Tragic Clown: Jeez, lady, you already got like 40 kids in this house, you don't have to have another one right now! (leaves) Father: Don't you think you were a little hard on him? Mother: Honey! He's the worst scum of the universe! I mean, he works at the DMV, for heaven's sakes! ( Peter, the birthday boy, walks up with a handful of pot ) Peter: (wound up) Mommy! Daddy! These green flaky things taste good! Mmm! Mother: (gasping) Peter!! No!! (as the scene closes, the Father chuckles heartily) Rate or review this sketch. |
