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Ashleigh Bandfield.....Tina Fey Hefty Afghan.....Chris Kattan Bodyguard.....John Goodman [ open on MSNBC's Ashleigh Bandfield standing in front of a remote cave in Afghanistan. She is dressed in multi-layered wraps. ] Ashleigh Bandfield: Good evening. Ashleigh Bandfield for CNN, reporting from an undisclosed location in Afghanistan for an exclusive interview with terrorist leader Osama bin Laden. For Americans keeping score at home, we have 1,000 troops stationed in Mazar-E Sharif, ready to attack Afghani troops who are protecting the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden. [ pressing finger on earpiece ] Wait a minute.. this just in.. I'm now being told that Afghani troops have just killed a thousand of our troops positioned in Mazar-E Sharif. [ presses earpiece ] Now I'm being told, "Shut your mouth, Ashleigh, you're not helping our side, get on with the interview." Alright, I've helped the enemy enough, let's move along now and see if bin Laden is home. [ knocks on cave door ] Osama bin Laden: [ muffled ] Go away, before I kill you! Ashleigh Bandfield: Mr. bin Laden, Ashleigh Bandfield, CNN. May we come in? [ door opens ] Osama bin Laden: Please do. So I can kill you! Ashleigh Bandfield: Calm down, Mr. bin Laden. First of all, we at CNN would like to know why the attack on America. Any personal vendetta there? Osama bin Laden: Excuse me, wait a minute. CNN? I thought you worked for MSNBC? Ashleigh Bandfield: I do. But CNN didn't want to risk the lives of any of their reporters, and MSNBC was happy to lend me out for this particular assignment. If I make it home alive, I'm renegotiating my contract. Osama bin Laden: Well, you won't be able to renegotiate your contract if I kill you first! Ashleigh Bandfield: [ cutting to the chase ] That question again, Mr. bin Laden: why the attack on America? Osama bin Laden: Okay, Ashleigh, I'll play the game your way. My people and I despise the freedoms you Americans take for granted, because they counter our religious beliefs. Ashleigh Bandfield: Beliefs such as men growing beards and women not being allowed to expose their flesh? Osama bin Laden: Exactly. I am also working on an amendment which states that women are to not wear glasses at any time. If my amendment is passed, I will be able to kill you. If my people veto my amendment, I will kill them. Ashleigh Bandfield: So your solution is to kill as many people as possible, even if they are your own followers? Osama bin Laden: I am a lean, mean, killing ma-chine! Ashleigh Bandfield: Well, tell us about the Taliban. What do they stand to gain by protecting you? Wait, don't tell me. If they protect you, you won't kill them, correct? Osama bin Laden: That is correct, Ashleigh. I wasn't going to answer that question, because it is a high-security question that I don't want America to know the answers to. But now that they do, I'm - Ashleigh Bandfield: Oh, please, let me finish your threat - you're going to kill me? Osama bin Laden: You are a very dedicated reporter, Ashleigh! Ashleigh Bandfield: That's only half-true. The real problem is that you're about as predictable during an interview as Gary Condit. [ looking around ] My goodness, this place certainly is a mess. Osama bin Laden: What can you expect, it is a cave. Also, I have fourteen wives. Ashleigh Bandfield: Fourteen wives? Why fourteen wives, Mr. bin Laden? Osama bin Laden: In case I have to kill one of them. Ashleigh Bandfield: And where are they all now? Osama bin Laden: Hiding for their lives. They won't even tell me where they are. But I will put my most valuable Afghani follower on it.. [ indicates hefty Afghan standing behind him with arms crosses ] He will find them, and he will kill them! Hefty Afghan: [ bows with arms crossed ] Osama. Sim sala bin. Ashleigh Bandfield: [ shaking head ] You are one crazy bastard. Osama bin Laden: I prefer the term "morality-challenged". Ashleigh Bandfield: Well, that further settles my summation. [ wiping sweat from her brow ] Listen, screw your religious beliefs. I'm with the Press, and I'm hot. I'm taking these wraps off. [ removes wraps and exposes herself in a short skirt and blouse ] Osama bin Laden: [ notices Ashleigh's legs ] Oh me oh my! Oh, my Allah! You are making my crotch burn! Ashleigh Bandfield: That's not me, it's probably something you caught from one of your fourteen wives. Osama bin Laden: [ waving his arms in the air, as though trying to signal someone ] Saddam!! Saddam!! I need anthrax!! I need anthrax!! Hurry!! Ashleigh Bandfield: [ rolls her eyes ] Whatever. Well, there you have it, America. Osama bin Laden - terrorist, madman, bigamist. For CNN and MSNBC, I'm Ashleigh Bandfield, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch. |
