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Gary, Head Counselor... Will Ferrell Ginny... Amy Poehler Tommy... Jimmy Fallon Michael... Chris Kattan Alice... Maya Rudolph [Scene opens with a shot of a summer camp in the woods. A wooden sign reads "Camp Skookumchuk". We cut inside to a group of counselors inside a cabin.] Gary: Well, first of all I would like to welcome you to another great summer here at Camp Skookumchuk. All of you are new this year, so we're going to have to get to know each other. My name is Gary, and I'm the head counselor. I'm the one in charge around here, so please pay attention when I talk. [Group laughs] Gary: As you all know, the kids arrive for summer camp in seven days, so it is our job to make sure everything is ready for them. Does anyone have any suggestions for what our main concern should be right off the bat? Alice: Make sure we have enough food and supplies? Tommy: Make sure the cabins are all painted and shingled? Gary: Yes, those are very important, but there's one thing we have to be concerned with above all that. Ginny: Make sure the kids are safe? Gary: Bingo! Ginny hit the nail right on the head there. Our main concern this summer should be safety. We need to make sure we have bandages, medicine, poison ivy lotion, and of course, make sure that no masked killer will be allowed to kill all the kids like last year. So our focus should be... Tommy: [interrupting] Wait... [confused] a masked killer? Gary: Yes, sorry Tommy, you weren't with us last year. Last summer we had an unfortunate situation involving a masked killer and some slaughtered children. It was pretty bad. Moving on... Michael: What happened? Gary: Well, you know, the same old standard stuff. Some dude living out in these woods took offense to us opening a summer camp, so he took a knife and killed just about everyone involved. It was a total bloodbath. I was the only survivor. Tommy: [shocked] Wow. Alice: I don't know if I would feel right sleeping at a camp where so many people were killed last year. Gary: [rationalizing] Well, you have to realize that every summer camp in America will have a mortality rate among its campers. These things happen. You can't let it bother you. Ginny: This happens at EVERY summer camp? Gary: Well, sure. Summer camp and masked killers go together like Rosie O'Donnell and fudge. No camp in existence has ever escaped a visit from a masked killer. Tommy: I had no idea. I thought summer camp was for fishing and hiking and sleeping under the stars. Gary: Well yes, it is all those things and more. Sometimes you also get the rush of escaping bloody death. The thrill of the hunt. Running through an obstacle course of gutted corpses in a race for your life. Alice [looking nauseous]: I think I'm going to be sick. Gary: Hey guys, last year was just our year. We got hit, we survived, and we're back in business. The blood has been cleaned up and you can hardly smell the rotting flesh. Alice: [trying not to throw up] Where's the bathroom? Gary: Go out of the cabin, the Tommy Martindale memorial bathroom is on your left. [Alice runs out, holding her hands over her mouth] Ginny: Who is Tommy Martindale? Gary: He was one of the kids butchered by the masked killer. We named the bathroom after him because that's where they found most of his head. Ginny: [looking nauseous] Oh God. Gary: If you need to throw up, go out of the cabin and up the trail about ninety feet. The Paul Shock memorial bathroom is up there. Ginny: Uh... no thanks. I think I'll pass. Michael: TWO kids were found in bathrooms? Gary: Well, most of Paul was found in the bathroom. A good deal of him ended up in a bucket by the lake as well. [Ginny turns to the side and we hear her vomiting.] Tommy: Wait a minute, I knew Paul Shock. He didn't die last year, he died like three years ago. He was friends with my brother. Gary: [trying to change the subject] No, no, I'm sure it was last summer. This only happened last summer. Now, what we have to do this year is to make sure... Ginny: No, wait a minute! I remember hearing about this camp when I was a kid! I remember my cousin's boyfriend got cut up like a side of beef! But that was like seven years ago, not three. Tommy: It happened seven years ago, AND three years ago? Michael: And last year, don't forget last year too! Tommy: [scared] Holy crap, this happens every year, doesn't it??! Gary: [trying to calm them down] No, no. That is all in the past! We've fixed everything this summer. Ginny: You want us to stay here this summer and be counselors, when every year a masked killer comes and butchers everybody? Screw that! [She stands up to leave] Gary: No, we killed the guy! He's gone! It's safe this year! Tommy: How did you kill him? Gary: We buried him alive in a fifty foot pit. He is right under us as we speak, entombed in five tons of concrete. [All the new counselors jump up, looking down at the ground.] Ginny: Well, okay, as long as he's dead down there. Gary: He's gone! It's foolproof. We are going to have a perfectly normal summer this year. No masked killers. Trust me. [Alice walks back.] Alice: Sorry, guys. I got lost. I ended up in the Stevie Whetstone memorial boathouse. [pause] Who's Stevie Whetstone? Tommy: Dude, you don't want to know. Gary: Okay, now that we are off the subject of masked killers, you need to know the big rule around here. Never, EVER, sneak off into a dark cabin to have sex. Tommy, Ginny, I'm talking to you. And specifically avoid the Tammy Leonard memorial cabin and the Jeff Forst memorial bunkbed. I can't emphasize that enough. Ginny: Where can we have sex then? Gary: It's probably best to avoid sex altogether. It tends to ... well.. it tends to end poorly. Also, we need to start gathering supplies. We need more food, blankets, water, knives, hatchets, machetes, axes, pitchforks, and at LEAST two working chainsaws. Ginny: Why do we need all those tools? Gary: Uh... because... [eyes darting from side to side].. in case we need to chop wood. Tommy: Wait a minute, we need those weapons for protection, don't we? You're lying! You think the killer will come back! You want us to stockpile weapons! Gary: He won't come back! We killed him! Ginny: How many other years have you killed him? Gary: Well, we kill him EVERY year, but this time is... Michael: Oh my God! I can't believe this! You hired us to work in a slaughterhouse! We'll all be killed! Alice: [holding her mouth] I'm going to be sick again! [she runs into a side room] Gary: Don't throw up in the Jenny Beach memorial kitchen! Vomit and blood won't come off that floor! We've had that problem before! Tommy: So you are guaranteeing us we won't be slaughtered this summer? Gary: [putting an arm around his shoulder] Trust me. I wouldn't have re-opened this year if I didn't know it was completely safe. There will be no masked killer, no vivisections, and I promise no one will end up with a severed head in their bunk. Those things are all in the past. Ginny: We have a week to get ready before the kids get here? Gary: Yeah, but it won't take much work. We have only five campers coming this year. Michael: Five? I was expecting like two hundred. Gary: Nah, there aren't two hundred kids left in this town. Thirty years of ritualistic camp massacre have really thinned the camper population. I think there's only like eight kids left in the area. Michael: Well, I guess we better get ready then. We'll have five very hungry campers showing up in a week. Better make sure the camp is all fixed up. Ginny: [sidling up to Tommy] Want to go skinny dipping with me at midnight? We can go somewhere really dark and isolated. [Tommy smiles at her and everyone walks out the door] A clawed hand smashes up from beneath the floorboards. It starts to dig itself out of the earth. An evil laugh emanates from the hole.] Heh Heh Heh." [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
