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Bob Costas... Darrell Hammond John McEnroe... Will Ferrell Chris Evert... Amy Poehler Dennis Miller... Jimmy Fallon Martina Navritalova... Ana Gasteyer [Scene opens with two females playing tennis. Music and intro play over the screen: "The Road to Wimbledon, on NBC."] Bob Costas: Hello, and welcome to the Road to Wimbledon, on NBC. I'm Bob Costas, and we are here at the 2001 Nutella European Championship in Holland. Today, we have a women's semifinal between the powerful Croatian newcomer, Olga Uffbrot, and the popular Russian, Anna Kournikova. With me, as always, are our expert commentators, former tennis legends John McEnroe and Chris Evert. Chris Evert: Thanks, Bob. This looks to be a great match today. Uffbrot is the fastest rising star in women's tennis. With her powerful volleys and vicious serve, she is fast on her way to becoming the top ranked female in the world. Olga is a future champion, you can count on it. John McEnroe: And of course, we all know about Anna Kournikova. A beautiful young tennis star with a rising following of rabid male admirers. In fact, her cheering section is in full force this afternoon, a whole section of shirtless, beer-drinking college students. Chris Evert: It's a little shameful, isn't it, John? I never thought I would see this kind of spectacle in professional tennis. John McEnroe: Anna is something else. She has blond hair, a wild lifestyle, tight outfits, and a rock star like following. Bob Costas: And speaking of rocks, don't forget that rock-hard little Russian butt of hers. John McEnroe: Oh, man. She could crack walnuts with that thing. Chris Evert: [a little annoyed with them] Kournikova is much improved this year, due to her strength training and added focus. With her quickness and agility, she can easily overwhelm slower opponents. I am looking forward to today's matchup with Uffbrot. Bob Costas: I think we're all looking forward to it, Chris. Personally, I've been waiting all week to see Anna prancing around in her little outfit. She loves to shake her hooch for the crowd. John McEnroe: You can see that they really get into her. Bob Costas: I sure would like to get into her. [Chris Evert shoots him an angry look. McEnroe and Costas exchange high fives.] John McEnroe: Good one! The key to today's match will be Uffbrot's serve. She fires rockets over the net, and has been compared by some to the awesome power of Venus Williams. In fact, some say she serves as hard as many of the male players. Bob Costas: Lord knows she certainly looks like a man. John McEnroe: Looks like one? Hell, once I saw her rack her 'nads on the net post. Bob Costas: Olga Uffbrot frightens me, folks. I'm not ashamed to say that. Chris Evert: [visibly off her game now] Uh...um... The... uh... two players are in definite contrast with each other. Uffbrot plays more of a power game, while Kournikova relies on quickness and accuracy. They are polar opposites of each other. John McEnroe: Especially in the looks department. Kournikova is one hot little Russian mama. She is radiant, beautiful and sexy. And Uffbrot... Bob Costas: ... not so much. The best description I can use is "Moo." Chris Evert: [angry] Now that is just uncalled for! Bob Costas: I'm sorry, Chris, I'm just saying that the Croat is not easy on the eyes. John McEnroe: No man has ever been aroused by that face. Chris Evert: [very mad] Why is it that you two always end up comparing the players' looks? Can't we just concentrate on their tennis skills for once? All I hear is Anna this, Anna that. Anna isn't even ranked right now! She isn't that good! Uffbrot is going to wipe the court with her! Bob Costas: Anna can wipe the court with me anytime. John McEnroe: She can wipe me with anything she wants. Chris Evert: Okay, I admit, Uffbrot is not traditionally beautiful... Bob Costas: [interrupting] She looks like Bea Arthur's retarded daughter. Chris Evert: ... but her game is a thing of beauty. Her ground strokes are legendary. John McEnroe: I sure would like to watch Anna stroke it. Oh baby! Spank me Anna! Chris Evert: Come on! That was just completely inappropriate! [Bob Costas is quiet all of a sudden. They look over at him. He is looking sheepishly downwards.] Chris Evert: Why are you so quiet, Bob? Don't you have something to add? Bob Costas: [embarrassed] John was talking about Anna stroking it and... well... um... I got excited. I have to change my pants now. Sorry. [Bob Costas leaves] Chris Evert: [disgusted] That is possibly the most unprofessional thing I have ever seen. [Dennis Miller enters the set.] John McEnroe: Hey, we have a special guest in the booth today. Comedian and fellow sports fan Dennis Miller! Welcome, Dennis. Dennis Miller: Hey, babes. Just wanted to pop on by and get a look at the famous Kournikova body from up here. I swear, I haven't seen a piece of ass that plum since Anthony Michael Hall created Kelly LeBrock on his Apple IIe, baby. Chris Evert: That's terrible. Dennis Miller: I'd like to see her sprawled across my bed tonight. Her blonde hair draped over my chest like the Mongols streaming across China. I bet her bathwater tastes sweeter than two-day old cider poured over an orphan's last candy bar, cha cha. John McEnroe: Oh man, I'd drink her bathwater. Chris Evert: [talking over them] For those of you who are actually interested in tennis, you will see that Uffbrot has won the first set, 6-0. In fact, Anna didn't even win a point. Dennis Miller: And what's with this Croatian chick? I feel like Perseus using the back of his shield to cut off the head of Medusa. I can't look directly at her or I'll turn to stone. John McEnroe: Everyone shut up! Anna's bending over! Dennis Miller: Oh boy, look at that 20 year old Russian ass. It's like watching Hannibal crossing the Alps. Like watching the Gatekeeper meet the Keymaster. Here comes the EPA, ready to shut her down for not having a health permit. Don't cross the streams! Chris Evert: [looking at the camera] I'm sorry, I have no clue what he's talking about right now. [John McEnroe looks at her and shrugs helplessly] [Bob Costas walks back into the booth, wearing a fresh pair of pants.] John McEnroe: Hey Costas, watch Anna bend over with us. Bob Costas: [running over excitedly] Thank you Jesus for bestowing this gift upon us. Evert [rolling her eyes] Oh, puhleeeze. [The three men watch the monitor closely, mouths all open in awe. This is a very solemn occasion.] Bob Costas: And you know the best part? She is all legal now. She is tempting jailbait no longer. [John McEnroe smiles warmly and pats Costas on the shoulder] Chris Evert: [fed up] We are ready to start the second set, with Kournikova serving. Bob Costas: Come on, Anna! Let's go! Chris Evert: Bob, you can't openly root for one of the players! You're a commentator! John McEnroe: Screw you, woman! We're cheering for the cute one! Go Anna! [We get a clip of Anna Kournikova serving into the net.] All three men: [disappointed] Ohhhhh. Bob Costas: It's okay, my little Russian cupcake. You can take comfort in my arms tonight. Dennis Miller: Sorry, Costas. I heard she only bones hockey players. Bob Costas: Hey, I may be small, but I know how to please the ladies. [Chris Evert rolls her eyes] John McEnroe: What about tennis players? I used to be one. Dennis Miller: No way she picks you two over me. I used to have my own talk show, baby. Bob Costas: So did I! I was on Later! John McEnroe: Your show blew, Miller. The Pat Sajak show was better. You're just a Chevy Chase wannabe. [Dennis Miller angrily slaps McEnroe, and they start scuffling. Bob Costas joins in and soon the three are scuffling and shoving each other.] Chris Evert: [fed up] You three are pathetic. I'm outta here. [She starts to leave but is blocked by Martina Navritalova entering the booth.] Chris Evert: Martina! Thank goodness you're here. I'm surrounded by a bunch of pigs. Martina Navritalova: So, Anna Kournikova is playing again, is she? [knowing chuckle] It's funny the way they fawn over her. So unprofessional. Chris Evert: Tell me about it. [They look over and see the three men fighting each other.] John McEnroe: [with Miller in a headlock] Anna loves me! She's mine! Dennis Miller: Get off me, go back to Tatum O'Neal! Bob Costas: [jumping on McEnroe's back] Anna, my life for you! [The three men fall to the floor, fighting and crying] Chris Evert: For those of you watching at home, Olga Uffbrot has just won the set and match, 6-0, 6-0. A very impressive performance by the young Croat. Navritalova: But not quite as impressive as Anna's shapely Russian body. She can rally at my net anytime she wants. I have got to get some of that action. [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
