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.....Will Ferrell .....Lorne Michaels Herself/Barbra Streisand.....Ana Gasteyer Himself/David Letterman.....Jeff Richards (A dressing room backstage at Studio 8-H. Will Ferrell is sitting in front of his mirror, wearing his Spartans shirt, Marty Culp baldcap, and USA thong from the Seann William Scott show. Will is looking glum. Lorne Michaels, Ana Gasteyer and Jeff Richards enter) Jeff Richards: Will? It's almost showtime. Will Ferrell: Hm? Oh, yeah. I'm set. Got to get out there and (sighs) make 'em laugh. Ana: Come on Will, cheer up. You've been moping around ever since the Emmys. Lorne Michaels: The Emmys aren't a big deal, Will. Will Ferrell: Really? Lorne Michaels: Sure. Since I won my fourth, I don't even bother keeping track anymore. Will Ferrell: Look, maybe it would be better if I just sat this one out. Ana, Lorne, Jeff: Come on... Will Ferrell: No, it's okay, I'll just go out drinking with Tracy, since he's not in the show again anyways. Ana Gasteyer: What about your parts? Will Ferrell: Jeff can do it. (hands Jeff the Culp keyboard) Now the trick is to keep your hands moving so it looks like you're playing. Jeff Richards: All right! Recurring character! Lorne Michaels: (snatching the keyboard away) No, it's too late for that. Will, I think the problem here is that you haven't really dealt with your anger. Don't you feel a little bit angry? Will Ferrell: No, really, I'm fine. Barbra Streisand deserved to win. I mean, the category is "Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety of Music program," and she was certainly outstanding in that special of hers. It's really an honour just to be nominated. (Lorne, Ana and Jeff all look at each other) Lorne Michaels: Ok. We're going to have to go with Plan B. Ana? (Ana sighs, then crosses her eyes and starts doing a Barbra Streisand impression) Ana/Barbra: Hello there, Will! It's me, Barbra Streisand! Will Ferrell: Ana... Barbra Streisand: Boy, that Emmy sure does look good on my mantle with the three others that I've won! With all of the awards that I have, this new one doesn't even stand out. I think I'll put it right at the back, with the other useless awards like the Grammys. Lorne Michaels: Come on Will, just vent your anger. Barbra Streisand: I would never come on Saturday Night Live; I'm far too big a star! Why would I appear on a measly little variety show when I can make a musical special and win Emmys galore? Will Ferrell: Look, guys, I see what you're trying to do. I guess I am a little angry at losing, but it wasn't just me. There were other nominees too. Lorne Michaels: What about those other nominees? Think of them. (cues Jeff, who puts on a pair of glasses and starts imitating David Letterman) Jeff/Letterman: Hey there Will. Boy, it sure was great having you on the show the other night. You're such a great guest and such a nice guy too. (Ana pretends to kick Jeff in the groin) David Letterman: Ow! Hey hey, Barbra, cut it out! Help! Help! Barbra Streisand: I don't have any respect for you, late night talk show host David Letterman! I don't respect people who work night after night to make people laugh, whereas I can just do two hours work singing twenty-year old songs and win Emmys for them! Lots of Emmys! In fact, I have one right here. (she produces a fake plastic Emmy from her purse) Oh, isn't it shiny? Isn't it nice? I bet you wish you had one, eh, Ferrell? Huh? Huh? (she starts poking him with it) Will Ferrell: Cut it out. Barbra Streisand: You just don't have it, Ferrell. You ain't no good. You should drop a vowel from your name, and then you'll be a big star like me. Will Ferrell: (a bit louder) Cut it out! Barbra Streisand: You'll never win an Emmy until they give you a token award at the end of your career because they feel sorry for you! You'll be a Susan Lucci! Will Ferrell: CUT IT OUT! (he picks up the Culp keyboard, and knocks Barbra down) I HATE YOU BARBRA STREISAND! WHY DON'T YOU JUST RETIRE ALREADY AND LEAVE EVERYBODY ALONE?! YOU WANT A PIECE OF WILL FERRELL? YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME? Jeff Richards: Hey Will, it's okay... Will Ferrell: GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME, LETTERMAN! I ONLY DO YOUR SHOW BECAUSE I HAVE THING FOR PAUL SCHAFFER! IF YOU GET IN MY WAY, I'LL TAKE YOU OUT TOO! I'LL SHOW ALL OF YOU! I'LL GO OUT THERE AND DO THE BEST DAMN SHOW YOU'VE EVER SEEN! (Will storms out of the dressing room) Lorne Michaels: Wow, that worked out great. Jeff Richards: Yeah, he's back to his old self again. Ana Gasteyer: (with blood dripping from her mouth, but still smiling) That's the Will we know and love! Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! Rate or review this sketch. |
