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Alex Trebek.....Will Ferrell Dick Sore.....Jon Stewart Jason Kinsey.....Jimmy Fallon Glenn.....Seth Meyers (theme music plays. Cuts to Alex Trebek.) Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Jeopardy: Sicko Edition. An all new concept designed to match those meaningless reality shows. Jason Kinsey: I like these shows. They showed me what life was. Alex Trebek: Good for you. That said let's take a look at the scores. Dick Sore has -$6400. Dick Sore: I hate this game. It's crap! Alex Trebek: Especially when we have contestants like you. Jason Kinsey has -$8000. Jason Kinsey: Why am I here? Alex Trebek: Because we needed someone to fill the second podium. And finally, that freak known as Glenn has an astonishing -$83400, obtained by answering with some kind of curses. Glenn: I should plunge your balls in boiling water. Alex Trebek: Don't worry that's not necessary. It's now time for Double Jeopardy and the categories are...Dogs, Alphabet Letters, Porn Movies, Marcia Gay Harden, Russia and finally, Video Games. Dick Sore, you're in the lead, so we'll start with you. Dick Sore: I just crapped my pants. Alex Trebek: It's a shame you forgot your diaper. Jason Kinsey, why don't you pick instead? Jason Kinsey: Fine...umm..I'll try...ummm...I don't know...ummm.. Alex Trebek: Go ahead and pick something. Jason Kinsey: I can't. There's no Something category. Alex Trebek: Remarkable. I'll pick for you then. How about Russia for $400? And the answer is: (reads clue) Smirnoff is a brand of this well-known Russian liquor. (Glenn buzzes in) Alex Trebek: Glenn? Glenn: I'll drink your blood while eating Spam. Alex Trebek: That wouldn't be good for your health. (Dick Sore buzzes in) Alex Trebek: Dick Sore? Dick Sore: What is diarrhea? Alex Trebek: (depressed) No...the answer was vodka. Nevertheless, I'm surprised you answered without using the word crap. Dick Sore: Well, diarrhea is liquid crap! Alex Trebek: Right. And you probably saw too much in your useless life. Mr. Kinsey, the board is unfortunately yours. Jason Kinsey: I don't want that board. I don't need it. Alex Trebek: I never said I was going to give you this board. Jason Kinsey: But you said "The board is unfortunately yours." Alex Trebek: You should go back to primary school, which you probably never did. Glenn, you pick the next subject. Glenn: My dog will pee on your grave. Alex Trebek: Fine, Dogs for $200. The answer is: (reads clue) You say this word when you throw a stick to your dog. (Dick Sore buzzes in) Alex Trebek: Dick Sore? Dick Sore: (confident) Crap! Alex Trebek: I wonder why I let you answer. (Glenn buzzes in) Alex Trebek: Glenn? Glenn: I will use your dog as a sex toy. Alex Trebek: I don't want to know the details about your sex life. Mr. Sore, please choose the next category. Dick Sore: Okay, gimme Mucha Gay Harder for $600. Alex Trebek: That's Marcia Gay Harden, not Mucha Gay Harder. Dick Sore: Same damn thing. Jason Kinsey: I think he's right. Alex Trebek: No he's not. You know what let's go right to Final Jeopardy and the category is Animals. Name any animal. (think music starts) Alex Trebek: Just name an animal you like. It can be a cat, a bird or how about a horse? (think music stops) Alex Trebek: All right time is up, let's see how the contestants tried to answer intelligently. Dick Sore, you wrote down... (the word Crap appears) Alex Trebek: Once again, you answered Crap. Don't you know that crap isn't an animal. Dick Sore: Well, my cat's name is Crap. Alex Trebek: Poor little one. And you wagered... (the words Kitty Litter appear) Alex Trebek: Kitty Litter...I wonder why. Jason Kinsey, you answered... (a blue screen appears) Alex Trebek: Nothing. Typical of you. And you wagered... (the blue screen reappears) Alex Trebek: Nothing. Why didn't you take the time to answer? Jason Kinsey: (staring at the pen) Because I was busy examining the pen. Alex Trebek: Unbelievable. And last but...least, Glenn. You answered... (an axe appears) Alex Trebek: What seems to be an axe. Glenn: Yes, it's an axe. Alex Trebek: Great. And you wagered... (a beheaded Trebek appears) Alex Trebek: Myself decapitated. That's very kind of you. Glenn: Go eat monkey vomit. Alex Trebek: Thanks but I already had dinner. That's it for this Sicko Edition of Jeopardy, stay tuned next week when Britney Spears, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Neve Campbell will be on the show for Jeopardy: Virgin Edition. Thank you and good night. (theme music plays) (fade) Rate or review this sketch. |
