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Ted Koppel ... Darrell Hammond George Steinbrenner ... Horatio Sanz Tony Caputo... Seth Myers Pat Sullivan... Jimmy Fallon Ted Koppel Voiceover: Following the September 11 attack on America, a reeling nation struggles to rediscover itself. With despair hovering on the horizon, another cataclysmic event again sends the country into a pit of hopelessness. The New York Yankees, the pride of America, lose the World Series, sending a nation into shock. Can we recover? Tonight, we take a look at a shattered country, one without the Yankees as champions. [The "Nightline" opening appears on the screen, complete with music] Announcer: Reporting live from Washington, Ted Koppel. Ted Koppel: Good evening. I'm Ted Koppel, and thiiiiiiiiiiiissssssss... is Nightline. With us tonight to talk about a shattered nation are three sports correspondents: New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner, long time Yankee superfan Tony Caputo, and Boston based baseball fan Pat Sullivan. Gentlemen, welcome to the show. Mr. Steinbrenner, let's start with you. George Steinbrenner: Yes, sir. Ted Koppel: Mr. Steinbrenner, as many in the media have predicted, there has been an outpouring of grief in the world now that the New York Yankees have lost the World Series. Your thoughts on this phenomenon? George Steinbrenner: Well, it is no surprise that the Yankees are the World's Team. I hear that every day, walking around the streets of New York. The people love the Yankees. In fact, [he pulls out a piece of paper], I conducted a poll of baseball fans in America, and 85% said they wanted the Yankees to win the World Series this season. Ted Koppel: And this poll was conducted where...? George Steinbrenner: This was conducted in a two square block radius surrounding Yankee Stadium. The casual fan on the street loves the Yankees. I think you can safely say this applies to the entire country, if not the world. Tony Caputo: [He wears a greasy wifebeater tanktop and speaks with a very exaggerated New Yak accent] That's 'cause the Yankees (bleep)ing rule! (Bleep)ing A, man! Ted Koppel: Mr. Caputo, you are a long time Yankee fan, are you not? Tony Caputo: Yeah, I been a Yankee fan since I was two! I growed up in da Bronx and I seen every Yankee game ever. The Yankees (bleep)ing rule! Ted Koppel: And you were among the millions of Americans thrust into despair when the Yankees lost the World Series? Tony Caputo: (Bleep) yeah. It was friggin nuts. We was all in Big Mike's bar when that (bleep)sucker Gonzalez won the game for the Diamondpricks. We couldn't believe it, that friggin wetback. Ted Koppel: Mr. Caputo, please refrain from using racial slurs on Nightline. Tony Caputo: Sorry, it's just emotional-like for me. We was just, you know, stunned. The Yankees never lose. [He stops to wipe a tear from his eye.] It was hard on all of us. George Steinbrenner: It was hard on America, Ted. Hard on the entire planet as well. Ted Koppel: And have you been able to recover, Mr. Caputo? Tony Caputo: I went home and beat the piss out of my wife. It was friggin awesome. (bleep) Arizona. Ted Koppel: The true trademark of Americans is their ability to adapt and survive under trying circumstances, and this appears to be no exception. I thank you for your comments. Also joining us today, from Boston we have baseball fan Pat Sullivan. Pat Sullivan: [a very thick Boston accent] Yo yo yo, this is Sully from Boston. Ted Koppel: Mr. Sullivan, is it true that you believe America did not want the Yankees to win and is in fact celebrating their demise? Pat Sullivan: I sweah to God, Ted, people ah going nuts out theah. People are throwin pahties in the street all over the country! It's wicked awesome! Read this headline from a Denvah newspapah, "The evil is dead, sweet Lord hallelujah, the Yankees ah gone!" George Steinbrenner: This is preposterous, Ted. I myself went out to see the mood of the people after the World Series, and I saw nothing but long faces and sadness. People were really shaken up that America's team could lose. Ted Koppel: You saw the mood of America firsthand? George Steinbrenner: Well, I walked around Manhattan. People were really upset, and it was pretty obvious that the entire planet shared that despair, if not the entire universe. Ted Koppel: The entire planet? You mean to say that even the Taliban forces in Kabul were shaken up by the Yankees losing game seven? George Steinbrenner: I have it on good authority that Osama Bin Laden himself was upset that the Yankees lost. He's a dick, but he wears a Yankees cap under those robes. Pat Sullivan: If I may, Ted... I have a poll heah that was conducted before the World Series stahted. This was done through the mlb.com website, and received ovah two million votes. [A pie graph is displayed on the screen]. When asked who they wanted to win the World Series, 98.3% of fans said "Arizona." One percent said "New York," and... Tony Caputo: (bleep)ing Yankees, baby! Yeah! Pat Sullivan: ... and 0.7% said "Derek Jeter is a homo." Tony Caputo: Jeter is not a homo! You (beep)ing queer! I'll kick your ass! Pat Sullivan: Come and get it, ass rammah! I'll kick your ass in the name of Nomah Garciaparrah! Jetah couldn't hold Nomah's jockstrap! [There is scuffling as the two baseball fans attack each other, and the respective windows their faces appear in are blacked out.] Ted Koppel: Mr. Steinbrenner, how do you respond to this latest data, that America wanted the Diamondbacks to win and that Derek Jeter is a homosexual. George Steinbrenner: There is simply no evidence that anyone wanted Arizona to win. Listen, the New York Yankees are America's team and have always had the support of the entire universe behind them, if not the solar system. Everyone on that field wanted New York to win, and it was devastating to the morale of the country for the Yankees to lose. In fact, [pulls out a piece of paper], here is a direct quote from Arizona pitcher Byung Hyun Kim. [reading the paper] "I was happy to give up two home runs to powerful American Yankee hitters. It made me feel smile to help New York win games." That speaks for itself, Ted. Ted Koppel: And the accusations raised towards Derek Jeter? George Steinbrenner: The policy in the Yankee clubhouse is "Don't ask, don't tell." We instituted that when Paul O'Neill joined the team a few years ago and it has been in force since then. I can't answer that question. Ted Koppel: So, in conclusion, you feel that America is suffering right now from the loss of the Yankees? George Steinbrenner: America is sick right now, Ted. First, the terrorist attacks of September 11th shattered our illusions of safety. Now, the loss of America's team, the Yankees, has destroyed our innocence. People don't know what is right anymore. No one knows what is real and what is an illusion. The Yankees were America's beacon, and now it is lost. America has no way. In fact, the Yankee loss could very well be considered the second terrorist attack on our country. [The faces of Sullivan and Caputo appear back in their windows. Each one has mussed hair and a battered face.] Ted Koppel: Welcome back, to all our guests. With the Yankees losing, can there be a winner in all this? Who was the real winner? Tony Caputo: The Yankees were the winners. Cause they aren't a bunch of pussies like the Diamondpricks. Yankees forever, baby!! Pat Sullivan: The winner in this was every baseball fan in the world. You people in the media tell us that the Yankees winning would help unite the country, but it was just the opposite. America has finally bonded over the queeh Yankees taking one up the tailpipe. George Steinbrenner: The winners of this are the people of New York, Ted. The bat that Luis Gonzalez used for the game winning hit was made by New York batmakers. The baseballs that the Yankees could not hit were made by New York ballmakers. The bookies of New York made untold revenue from failed Yankee bets. New York was the true winner here. Ted Koppel: So there you have it. New York was the real winner here, even though the vaunted Yankees crumpled like balsa wood. But they lost in a very noble and admirable way, and that will help us all recover, in the end. George Steinbrenner: Ted, I think it would be best if we say a prayer for the people of the world, that we can heal from the Yankee loss. [He bows his head in prayer] Pat Sullivan: And say a prayer for all of Jeter's boyfriends. I hear he's a top notch ass-blastah. Tony Caputo: (bleep) you and your Red sox, retard! Nomar can only dream of banging Mariah Carey! Pat Sullivan: Like I banged your muthah. [Sullivan and Caputo attack each other again off camera.] Ted Koppel: I would like to thank all of our guests this evening, Mr. Steinbrenner, Mr. Sullivan and Mr. Caputo. America, I would just like to say, hang in there. It will all be okay. The Yankees will be champions again soon. For all of us at Nightline, I'm Ted Koppel. Good night. Rate or review this sketch. |
