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Sprint
written by: Frank Stanko


Pitchman.....Seth Meyers
Traumatized Suburban Mother.....Gwyneth Paltrow
Effie.....Tina Fey


[ Open on: Therapist's office-day ]

Pitchman: So, tell me again how this happened.

Traumatized Suburban Mother: I had called home to tell my maid Estelle to collar the children so that they don't get into their birthday presents.

Effie: No, you lie. You told me to de-flower the children.

Traumatized Suburban Mother: Why would I tell my own maid to molest my children! Really!

Pitchman: Calm down, calm down.

Motions to kids (Rachel Dratch and Jimmy Fallon, both nervous)

Pitchman: Children, children, do you think that this was because of a bad phone connection?

Kids: (scared) Yes!

Announcer: New Sprint Wireless 1,000. To prevent moments like this.

(Pitchman exits therapy office)

Pitchman: Sure, it's too late for them, but it's not for you.

(Fade out on Effie, mom and kids all arguing with each other)

Announcer: Sprint. The phone company of child molesters.


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