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Mr. Tarkanian.....Will Ferrell Mrs. Hoffman.....Gwyneth Paltrow Secretary.....Ana Gasteyer Female Employee.....Maya Rudolph Male Employee.....Jimmy Fallon Cathy Stuart.....Amy Poehler Security Guard.....Seth Meyers [A busy office. Mr. Tarkanian sits in front of a desk and Mrs. Hoffman sits behind it.] Mrs. Hoffman: So... Mr. Tarkanian, is it? Mr. Tarkanian: Yes. That's me. Mrs. Hoffman: We're very pleased that you're interested in this executive position. We really could use someone with your track record and motivational skills. Mr. Tarkanian: Well, if there's one thing I know how to do... it's motivate the people who work under me. [laughs heartily] [pause] Mrs. Hoffman: I'm sure you do. Anyways-- [Mrs. Hoffman's secretary closes her makeup compact.] Mrs. Hoffman: Excuse me. [Mrs. Hoffman gets up and goes over to her secretary and grabs her roughly by the harm.] Mrs. Hoffman: What the hell are you doing?! Secretary: [puzzled] I'm sorry... what? Mrs. Hoffman: Don't talk to me like that! I know exactly what you were doing! You were using MY time to smear on that ugly whore's makeup on your face, weren't you?! WEREN'T YOU?! Secretary: No... I wasn't... I was just-- Mrs. Hoffman: You were just compromising the good name of this corporation! I did NOT suffocate my elderly father with a pillow just so you and your slutty eyeliner could bankrupt me! Secretary: [offended] Now wait a minute! Mrs. Hoffman: Don't you talk to me that way! [Mrs. Hoffman grabs the secretary by the hair and smashes her face into the desk. The secretary starts crying and runs out of the office. After she's gone, Mrs. Hoffman slides back over to the desk and sits back down.] Mrs. Hoffman: I'm sorry about that. You have to lay down the law sometimes. Mr. Tarkanian: [clearly enamored] It's all right. Mrs. Hoffman: Well, anyways... your resume is top notch. You're exactly the kind of man that my company needs to take it to the next level. Mr. Tarkanian: Excellent! Mrs. Hoffman: Wonderful! [Two female and male employees enter the office holding hands. Mrs. Hoffman looks up.] Mrs. Hoffman: Pardon me. [Mrs. Hoffman walks over to the two workers.] Mrs. Hoffman: Who the HELL do you two think you are?! Female employee: What? We were just holding hands! Mrs. Hoffman: Shut up! If you two want to concieve some ungodly spawn you will NOT do it in my office! Take it outside in the alley and hump with the sewer rats because this is a place of buisness! You will not squirt out a bunch of crack addicted little retards in MY office! Do you understand me?! Male employee: You can't talk to her like that-- [Mrs. Hoffman screams and shoves the male employee back over a desk and makes a grab at the female employee as she runs away screaming. After a moment, Mrs. Hoffman collects herself and returns to her desk.] Mrs. Hoffman: I'm so sorry. Mr. Tarkanian: [practically drooling] Don't worry about it. Cathy Stuart: [enters, disheveled and carrying a wiffle ball bat] Mrs. Hoffman! You broke up my marriage and turned my children against me! I've been doing Vodka shots and strangling small animals all day... So help me GOD, I am going to make you pay right here, right now, BITCH! Mrs. Hoffman: [gets up from the desk, thrilled] Ohhhhhh... Cathy Stuart! I remember you! I'm going to rip you a new blow hole, you fat whale! Bring it on! You're going down! [Cathy swings at Mrs. Hoffman with the bat but she ducks and kicks Cathy's legs out from under her, then beats her repeatedly over and over with the bat until she stops screaming.] Mrs. Hoffman: [covered in blood as she returns to her desk as if nothing happened] I'm sorry again. It's not usually this hectic around here. But when you're in charge, you have to accept the responsibilities! Mr. Tarkanian: Mrs. Hoffman... are you seeing anyone? Mrs. Hoffman: No... why? Are you available? [Mr. Tarkanian and Mrs. Hoffman move in closer as if to kiss as romantic music plays in the back ground. Suddenly, they're interrupted by the female employee who returns with the security guard, Mrs. Hoffman screams and chases them with the bat as they run away.] [Fade] Rate or review this sketch. |
