|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A zoo taking place in Ontario, Canada. An American couple, JOHN and DIEDRE Adams, walk in and are greeted by their French speaking guide, PIERRE. PIERRE: Hello and welcome to ze Royal Canadian Zoo of Ontario. My name is Pierre and I will be your guide today. JOHN: Hello, there. My name's John Quincy Adams, no relation to the former U.S. president John Quincy Adams, and this is my lovely wife, Diedre. PIERRE: Please to meet you. JOHN: Hey, you've got some funky accent. I mean I knew you Canadians talked funny but this guy takes the cake. PIERRE: Well, I'm French. JOHN: Well, what the hell you doing in Canada then? John and Diedre laugh hysterically. SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: THE FRENCH ARE SILLY. PIERRE: Your lack of intelligence tells me that you two are from America. JOHN: Yep, from Stokesdale, North Carolina. PIERRE: Ah...well, me and ze whole Royal Canadian Zoo of Ontario staff are glad you decided to make the stop here in your travels. SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: THE FRENCH EAT SNAILS. JOHN: Hey, tell me. What's with all the trees around here? You know, you could make a lot of money if you cut down all them trees and made shopping malls. DIEDRE: Yeah. Why aren't there any shopping malls around here? PIERRE: They're shopping malls in Canada. There's a great big one back in Toronto. JOHN: But why aren't there any here? PIERRE: Well, we in northern Ontario are more concerned with ze wildlife than with shopping malls. JOHN: What you mean like little squirrels and shit? PIERRE: Well, that's one animal. SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: SOME FRENCH PEOPLE ARE HOMOSEXUALS. DIEDRE: Hey, speaking of animals, are we going to get on this tour or what? PIERRE: Ah...but of course. Come right this way and I'll take you to the first cage. Cut to the three of them in front of a moose cage. PIERRE: Now this is ze moose, one of Canada's most popular and frequent animals. Did you know that in some parts of Canada, there are more moose than people? DIEDRE: I did not know that. JOHN: Hey, let me ask you this? Did you know that I went to every store in Fort Albany last night and couldn't find anyone who had any Beano? I mean what's it take to get a guy some gas relief around this country. Jesus. DIEDRE: Where? PIERRE: Um...let's move on to ze antelope cage. Cut to the three of them in front of a cage with a plaque that says antelope but inside the cage is another moose. PIERRE: This is ze antelope. Ze antelope is found in Africa and in other zoos all over ze world. JOHN: Hold on. Hold on, Cousteau. That looks like the moose we just saw. PIERRE: Ah, well, ze moose is a relative of ze antelope. They are very similar in appearance but I assure you that this is in fact an antelope and not a moose. John and Diedre look at each other suspiciously. Cut to the three of them walking to the next cage. There is a plaque saying tiger although inside the cage is another moose who is wearing a sign that says tiger. PIERRE: Um...now we have come to ze tiger cage. Ze tiger, a huge monstrous beast from India, is... JOHN: Hey, wait a minute! That looks like another moose! PIERRE: It's not a moose. It's a tiger. JOHN: All right. All right. That's enough. I may be from Stokesdale, North Carolina where there aren't many tigers but I have seen a tiger on television and that, my French fry friend, is not a tiger. PIERRE: It is a tiger. JOHN: It's not a tiger. It's a moose. DIEDRE: Or is it an antelope? JOHN: Oh, it's a moose all right and so is the antelope. DIEDRE: (very over-dramatically) The moose is an antelope! We've been flim-flammed! JOHN: Don't get your panties in a bunch, Diedre. Look, Henry of Navarre, what's going on? PIERRE: Nothing's going on! That is a tiger! JOHN: That's not a tiger. That's a moose! DIEDRE: Come on, honey. Let's get out of here. JOHN: Hold on, Diedre. We paid good money to see some stupid animals and we're gonna see some stupid animals. The bad part is they don't have any stupid animals. PIERRE: We have lots of animals. JOHN: No, you don't. PIERRE: Yes we do. JOHN: Like what? PIERRE: There's a moose. JOHN: Besides the moose. PIERRE: Well, we have a tiger. JOHN: The tiger is a moose! PIERRE: No, it's not! See you're thinking of the Siberian tiger. This is an Indian tiger which looks very much like ze moose. So much so that it has to wear a sign so that it is not confused with one. See...see the sign (pointing to it). SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: THE FRENCH WERE DEFEATED BY THE ENGLISH IN THE HUNDRED YEARS WAR IN 1356. JOHN: Look. If you don't show me an animal that isn't a moose, we're getting our money back and leaving. Got that? PIERRE: But of course. Come right this way. Cut to John and Pierre crouched down on the ground. Pierre has an ant on his finger. PIERRE: Now this is ze ant. Ze ant is a remarkable creature. It can carry it's own weight plus more. There are many types of ants in ze world. There are red ants, black ants, army ants... JOHN: Wait a minute... PIERRE: What? JOHN: Are those antlers? PIERRE: No, those are antennas. JOHN: It's a moose! John and Pierre get up. PIERRE: What? It's not a moose! It's an ant! JOHN: Come on, Diedre. Let's go back to the hotel room. As John and Diedre walk away, Pierre keeps talking to them from a distance. PIERRE: Look. It's not our fault we only have ze bloody moose in Canada. It costs too much to ship in other animals. We had a penguin once but it was eaten by the moose! Black out. Rate or review this sketch. |
