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Jack....Dean Edwards Danny.....Billy Bob Thornton Distressed Passenger.....Will Ferrell Flight Attendant.....Ana Gasteyer [ open on interior, airplane - Danny sitting next to Jack, Distressed Passenger seated behind them ] Jack: Fly to California often? Danny: Just on business. My company loves to play keep-away with me and my office. Any time they want to woo a client out West, they send ol' Danny Boy to deal with it. Jack: [ chuckles ] I hear that! Nice to meet you, Danny. [ extends hand to shake ] Danny: Uh.. yeah, you too. [ shakes hands ] What did you say your name was? Jack: Jack. Jack Rogers. Danny: Oh, hi, Jack! Distressed Passenger: [ panicking ] Hijack?! We're being hijacked?! [ other passengers start screaming ] [ Flight Attendant, panicked as well, runs forward ] Flight Attendant: Sir! Please! Don't do anything rash! Danny: Wait.. no, there's been a mistake! His name is Jack! I was just greeting him! Flight Attendant: Your name is Jack, sir? Jack: [ embarrassed ] Uh.. yes.. yes, it is. Flight Attendant: Fine. [ to Danny ] Sir, if you please refrain from further outbursts of that nature, this airline would greatly appreciate it. [ fakes a smile ] Have a nice flight! [ walks off ] Danny: Damn, these people sure are sensitive. What's the deal with them? Jack: [ keeping his voice low ] Everyone's been a little on edge since the situation in New York two months ago. Danny: The situation? What, you mean with the terrorists? Distressed Passenger: [ panicking ] Terrorists?! Terrorists?! [ other passengers start screaming ] [ Flight Attendant runs forward ] Flight Attendant: What terrorists?! [ sees Danny ] Sir! What did I just tell you not to do! Danny: What? We were just talking about New York! I'm not a terrorist! Distressed Passenger: [ panicking ] Terrorist?! Terrorist?! Flight Attendant: Sir, I have it under control! Pipe down! [ to Danny ] Sir, we ask that you not discuss anything in relation to the events that took place in New York in September, or, for that matter, earlier this week in Queens. We are trying to rebuild our reputation! Danny: Sure. Alright. Fine. Flight Attendant: Now, if everyone could just relax, we are currently taking drink orders for today's flight, so why don't you gentlemen tell me what's your poison. Maybe this will calm some of you down. Distressed Passenger: I'm already a little shaken.. can I just have a martini..? Flight Attendant: No problem. [ to Jack ] For you, sir? Jack: I'll have a, uh.. scotch and soda. Flight Attendant: Very good. [ to Danny ] And you, sir? Danny: Uh.. you know what I'm the mood for right now? A kamikaze. Distressed Passenger: [ panicking ] Kamikazee?! Kamikazee?! Flight Attendant: Sir, what the hell is your problem! Danny: What? That's a drink! Come on, this is ridiculous! Flight Attendant: I'll bring you a white wine spritzer. Indeed! [ walks off ] Danny: This is crazy! I don't want a white wine spritzer, I'm in the mood for - Jack: Don't say it, Danny. [ Captain's voice crackles on the PA ] Captain on PA: Ladies and gentlemen of Flight 21, we are getting ready to play today's in-flight movie: "Tomb Raider", starring Angelina Jolie, so please adjust your headphones and enjoy today's movie. Jack: [ putting headphones on ] Hmm.. I haven't seen this one yet. Danny: Ah, don't waste your time. I saw it on the big screen, it's a real bomb. Distresses Passenger: [ panicking ] Bomb?! He has a bomb?! Danny: Shhhhh!! [ Flight Attendant runs forward ] Flight Attendant: Sir! What are you trying to do to us! Danny: It's not me, it's this guy back here! I was just talking about the movie! Flight Attendant: You said bomb! Danny: I was talking about the movie! Flight Attendant: But you said bomb! Danny: But I was talking about the movie! Flight Attendant: Sir, I highly recommend that you take a nap for the remainder of this flight, so as not to disturb the other passengers on this flight! Danny: A nap? Yeah, I guess you're right.. I am a little tired.. I think I'll crash.. Distressed Passenger: [ panicking ] Crash?! We're gonna crash?! Danny: No!! I'm taking a nap! Good god, can I have a pillow and a blanket, maybe an afghan..? Distressed Passenger: [ panicking ] Afghan?! We're being attacked by Afghans?! Danny: We are not being attacked by Afghans! I just want a comforter, it's cold in here! Flight Attendant: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you get off this plane. Danny: [ confused ] You're going to make a special landing just for me? Flight Attendant: Don't kid yourself. We're having you ejected from 20,000 feet. Danny: Ejected? [ quick cut to exterior camera angle facing up with Danny falling forward with arms stretched out while screaming ] Danny: Damnnnnnn yooooooouuuuuuu, O-saaaaaaa-maaaaaaa!! [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
