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Peter... Billy Bob Thornton Dating Counselor... Ana Gasteyer [Scene opens in an office. A sign, "Special Friends Dating Service" is on the wall. Two people sit at a table.] Counselor: So, Mr. Butler, this is your first time here at Special Friends? Peter: [nervously] Yes, that's correct. Counselor: You have nothing be nervous about, Mr. Butler. Our trained counselors have set up many, many successful relationships over the years. We specialize in tailoring the needs of two people into a wonderful and loving pairing. You are in very good hands here. Peter: [relieved] Oh, that's a relief. I'm a little shy about this whole process. I... I've never really been to a dating service before. Counselor: Well, we are a little different here than most services. The Special Friends organization specializes in finding perfect matches for our female clients. We are a female-run organization with a special emphasis on our esteemed female clientele. We like to think of ourselves as above the rest. Peter: You only deal with women? Counselor: [chuckling] Well, obviously we need some men in the equation as well. That is why men like you come in here. We seek to find very special men to match up with our very special ladies. Perhaps you are one of them? Peter: [bashful] Oh, I don't know. I'm just your average, ordinary guy. Counselor: Can you tell me some of your dating history? I just want to get an idea of what kind of background you are coming from. Peter: Well, there's not a whole lot to tell. I got married at 20. We stayed together for fifteen years, and we recently separated. It was... it was very hard. [He starts to sniffle] Counselor: [holding his hand] Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. You sound like a very sensitive person. Peter: [wiping his eyes] Yes, I have always been sensitive. I'm what you call a thinker. An introvert. Counselor: This whole process must be hard for you. Peter: [shyly] Yes, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. It's hard to open up your heart to the possibility of finding love again. Counselor: Well, can you tell me what sort of traits you looking for in your special lady? Peter: [pausing to think it over] That's a hard question for me to answer. I mean, every lady is different. There are good and bad things in all of them. Maybe her smile? Counselor: [smiling] That's sweet. Peter: But then again, a sense of humor is very important as well. Oh! And so is loyalty and honesty. And a strong sense of family. Oh... I don't know what would be my top criteria. I'm new to this! Counselor: Take your time. Think it over. I know this is an important decision. Peter: I know. Intelligence! Counselor: [nodding] Okay, let me note that on your dating checklist. Peter: No, wait! [very long pause] I got it. The most important trait for my special lady is breast size. Counselor: [a little angry] What? Peter: I mean, all things are important. Smile, sense of humor, intelligence. But without a nice set of hoo-hahs it really doesn't matter, does it? Counselor: [very long pause] Mr. Butler, are you sure you don't want to reconsider? I'm not sure that "breast size" is an appropriate criteria for this process. Peter: [embarrassed] Oh, you're right. [puts his hand over his face] I'm so embarrassed. Counselor: It's okay. I know you are a little nervous, it's understandable. Peter: What I meant to say was breast fullness. You know, like how round they are. [He demonstrates by cupping his hands around imaginary breasts on himself] Size isn't really that important without some depth to them. You know? You really want to have a good handful. Counselor: [very long pause as she stares at him] Yes, sir, I know what you are saying. I am just trying to point out that there are many more important traits than the size and fullness of a woman's breasts. Peter: What about breast density? Counselor: No. Peter: Breast thickness? Counselor: No. Peter: Real versus implants? Counselor: No! Peter: Overall breast quality? Counselor: [mad] No!! Peter: Come on! You're shooting down all my criteria! Is that how a dating service operates?! Do I have to pick a girl that YOU want? Give me a chance here! Counselor: Mr. Butler, why don't we skip physical attributes and perhaps move on to personality. Would that be okay? Peter: Sure, I guess. Counselor: Would you say you prefer a lady who is more demure? Or perhaps one who is more direct? Peter: I don't know. It doesn't really matter to me if she's got a nice rack. Counselor: Could you tell me ANYTHING about the personality of the lady you are seeking? Peter: [thinking it over] Well, I would have to say that she appreciates the nicer things in life. Counselor: There, that's better. Peter: And she can't be uptight. If there's anything I hate, it's them frigid bitches. [The counselor sits and stares at the floor, angrily] Counselor: Anything else you would like to note on your preference sheet? Peter: No, that's about it. Counselor: Very well, I will make sure to run your application through... Peter: [interrupting] Oh wait! She has to have an open mind about wild, freaky sex. Someone who won't shoot down an idea just because it is illegal. Counselor: [after a very long pause] All done? Peter: What else is there? Counselor: So let me get this straight. You are looking for a very classy lady with "large, full hoo-hahs", willingness to engage in illicit sex games, and isn't a "frigid, uptight bitch." Peter: Wow, you make it sound so special. Do you really think my Sleeping Beauty is out there? Counselor: Mr. Butler, I have to be honest with you. I will run your request through our computer, but I have to say that I do not feel that our services will be appropriate for you at this time. Peter: Is my request too specific? I could take out the freaky sex stuff if that helps. Counselor: It certainly wouldn't hurt. Peter: Okay, take the sex stuff out. I could always pay for that, anyway. I don't care what type of lady I find, so long as she is special and she has a gigantic pair of melons. Counselor: Mr. Butler, this consultation is over. Please see yourself out. [she stands up and walks out.] [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
