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The skit opens with the following sign posted outside of an executive office at CBS. Mitchell Hurwitz Creator "The Ellen Show" Four programming executives are seated around a boardroom table. These executives are Moira (Comedy Development), Joan (Research), Dwight (Producer - very young with no television references prior to 1990), Oliver (Development - very young with same limitations as Dwight). At the head of the table stands "The Ellen Show" Creator, Mitchell Hurwitz. Everyone is focused on Mitchell, there are many notes and charts littering the table. Mitchell: Well people, the question of the day is, "What are we going to do about Ellen?" Everyone mutters and nods in agreement. Mitchell: She did a great job at the Emmy's but.. that hasn't done squat to improve her ratings! Everyone mutters and nods in disagreement. Mitchell: You know, I don't know dick about lesbians.. but I know funny. And Ellen is damn funny. Everyone mutters and nods in agreement. Joan: Well, our research shows that the lesbians are definitely home on Friday nights.. but that is a limited audience. Mitchell: Good point, Joan. Obviously we have a small problem there. So What's the answer? Everyone mutters and shrugs in confusion. Mitchell: People! Obviously we need more lesbians. Now.. how do we make more lesbians? Any ideas? Everyone mutters and shrugs in confusion. Dwight: I'm just gonna throw this out but.. I'm thinking we'll need to convert. Mitchell: Interesting. Like who? Dwight: You know.. straight women.. borderline lesbians like.. I don't know Alan Cumming.. one of the Dixie Chicks would be a coup. Mitchell: You know.. it is times like this when I wonder, "what would Mary do?" On this cue, an angelic version of the first bars of "The Mary Tyler Moore Theme" plays. Everyone turns their eyes up to the sky for a moment until the music fades. Joan: You know, Mary had a big lesbian following. Oliver: (to Dwight) Who's Mary? Dwight shrugs in non-recognition. Mitchell: You're treading sacred ground there, Joan. Joan: I know but.. Mary never married.. she dated sporadically.. she lived on her own.. Moira: And she was quite militant in her beliefs. I mean, throw in a flannel shirt and some Kodiaks and... Dwight: I think what Ellen needs is a girlfriend.. and they need to have hot, steamy, lesbian, gay sex! Oliver: I like that idea. Dwight: Yeah. I know I'd tune in. Mitchell: I think we're on to something. Moira: I don't think Ellen will go for that. Ellen's premise is that she is gay.. but sex really doesn't enter into it. Dwight: Well, what's the point of being a lesbian if you're not going to have lots of hot, steamy, lesbian, gay sex. Oliver shrugs in agreement. Moira: I am sure she does.. she just doesn't want to.. publicize it. Dwight: Well then I already don't get lesbians so I'm not gonna be much help here. Joan: I suppose we could get Ellen a partner. But, historically, the audience prefers the main character to remain unattached. People loved Rhoda much more when she was single. Oliver: Who's Rhoda? Dwight: I don't know. Some dyke, I guess. Mitchell: Who could we partner her up with? Oliver: Jennifer Lopez! Moira: Jennifer Lopez isn't gay. Oliver: I know.. but imagine how hot that would be! Mitchell: Think J-Lo available? Everyone nods in the negative. Joan: I hardly think so. She's very au current. We'll have to wait for a career slump on that one. Mitchell: Okay. We'll table that for next year for sure. Dwight: How about Richard Simmons? Mitchell: That could be damn funny. Oliver: Maybe instead of a partner, we could give her a lesbian sidekick. Moira's eyes perk up for a moment and then she sighs. Mitchell: Moira, we're you thinking of something? Moira: Yes, but forget it. Rosie's doing "Will and Grace" next year. Joan: I think the problem is that Ellen is a lone lesbian. She might fair better if she had a lesbian lead-in. Dwight: Then we'd also probably need a lesbian drama right after. Oliver: So we'll end up with an ALL LESBIAN, ALL NIGHT line-up. Mitchell: Hmm. That could be interesting. Any suggestions? Moira? Moira: (off the top of her head) I don't know.. how about.. a variety show. A k.d. lang/Melissa Etheridge type thing? Dwight: Do they know each other? Moira: Oh, I'm sure they do. Oliver: We could rerun "Cagney and Lacey". Joan: Mmm. That's good for later. But that leaves us with the earlier time slot. Variety and drama work better after 9:00. How about a.. ummm.. lesbian cooking show? Mitchell: Possibly. What do lesbians like to eat? Everyone ponders this for a few moments but does not respond. Mitchell: Hmm. Nothing? Okay.. well.. we know they have to eat.. so that's a start. Joan: I'm thinking.. Sandra Bernhardt.. Sour Grapes. Mitchell: Is anyone writing this down? Joan: (just now writing it down) Yes. Mitchell: People, people, people. I think we're still missing the point here. We need to think like lesbians. So let's put on our lesbian thinking caps and come up with some solutions. Everyone nods and changes their body posture. The women put their elbows on the table and open their legs, lean forward. The men merely lean forward. Everyone concentrates. Mitchell: Now, imagine you're at home.. it's Friday night. It's been a tough week at work.. doing something that probably involves.. lumber. Your relaxin' with your significant other, suckin' back the brewskies.. you're waiting anxiously for confirmation that you can adopt your crack baby. What would you like to be watching? Dwight: Let's go with something that works. How about an, "Everybody Loves Ellen" type show.. where.. each week.. a different celebrity comes on and.. you know.. just LOVES Ellen! Just.. LOVES her. Oliver: And they have hot, steamy, lesbian, gay sex. Dwight: And she could just be Ellen! Mitchell: People. Did we learn nothing from the Bette Midler show? Dwight: Bette's not a very convincing lesbian. Moira: She was convincing in "The Rose". Joan: That's because her character was whacked out on drugs and alcohol. Dwight: Maybe that could work with J-Lo? Everyone nods in the affirmative. Mitchell: I still don't think that we're thinking like lesbians. Moira? Joan? One of you must have lesbian tendencies. My God, you're CBS Executives for crying out loud. Moira: You know, the problem is that lesbians aren't funny. Oliver: Richard Simmons can be funny. Joan: Richard Simmons is NOT a lesbian. Oliver: Are you sure? Moira: (interrupting) Anyway.. truth is, Ellen was funnier when she was in the closet. Mitchell: Well.. maybe we can shove her back in. Joan: That could be difficult. Dwight: Nah.. we'll just tell her the leisure suit she wants is way in the back and then.. you know.. just.. PUSH her. Mitchell: That would solve a lot of our problems. Moira: I'm pretty sure Ellen wants her character to remain gay. Dwight: She's playing a character? I though she was playing herself? Oliver: Well.. I can't think like a lesbian.. but here is what I am thinking. We could have Ellen move into an apartment.. you know.. with two straight guys.. but their landlord doesn't want them to have any women there because they're like.. scientologists or misogynists or something. Mitchell: I'm liking.. go on. Oliver: So they tell the landlord she's a lesbian.. and.. that could open up to dozens of zany, madcap situations. Mitchell: I am still liking. What would she do for a living? Oliver: Ah.. ah... um... she could be a... a... chef? Everyone turns up their noses. Dwight: (to Oliver's rescue) A carpenter! Mitchell: Oh, I like that. I like the idea of lesbians.. and lumber. Everyone nods in agreement. Dwight: Exactly. So, not only does Ellen go back into the closet.. but she actually builds it. Everyone smiles in agreement. Mitchell: I like it. I works for me. So the answer to the Ellen question is we put her back in the closet. Everyone nods in satisfaction. Mitchell: Good work people. Now, let's move on. So, why do we hate the new "Survivor" cast? End Rate or review this sketch. |
