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Dan Henderson... Billy Bob Thornton Norm MacDonald... Jeff Richards Chris Rock... Jimmy Fallon Drew Carey... Darrell Hammond Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog... Robert Smigel Announcer: Live, from the World Famous Friar's Club in New York City! It's the Annual Friar's Club Roast! Tonight's guest in the hot seat... you love him from Sesame Street... the world famous... Elmo! Tonight's roasters include Buddy Hackett... Gilbert Gottfried... Raffi... Mr. Rogers... Andrew "Dice" Clay... Geechy Guy... Shelley Duvall... Artie Lange... Mr. Snuffleupagus... Nina Hartley... Tom Green... and Guy Smiley! [Drum roll] Announcer: And now, our roastmaster for the evening... From the Nickelodeon Network, president of children's entertainment, Mr. Dan Henderson! [Loud applause as Dan walks out to a podium and waves to the crowd] Dan Henderson: Thank you! And welcome to the big celebrity roast for our favorite muppet, Elmo! Hey kids, are you ready for some fun tonight? Audience: [made up of mostly kids] Yay! Dan Henderson: Alright! First off, I would like to thank the Nickelodeon Network for televising this event. Remember, Nickelodeon cares about kids. Now, we have a lot of fun surprises in store for all you tonight, both in the audience and at home. Hey kids, tell me, are you ready to see Elmo? Audience: Yay! [Loud clapping] Dan Henderson: I can't hear you! ARE YOU READY TO SEE ELMO?! Audience: Yay! [very loud cheering and clapping] Dan Henderson: And now... here he is... our star for the evening... you know him from Sesame Street, Elmo's World, and his own "tickle me" toys... the one... the only... Elmo! [Elmo is wheeled out on a large comfy chair. He waves to the crowd.] Elmo: Hi kids! Hee hee hee. Audience: Yay Elmo! [Loud cheering. The kids in the audience are going nuts.] Dan Henderson: Our first celebrity roaster of the evening is a well known comic and actor. You know him from Saturday Night Live and his own television show. Kids, please welcome Norm MacDonald! [clapping from the audience as Norm walks to the podium] Norm MacDonald: Hey there, how are ya? Wow, it's a big night. I'm up here talking to a puppet. [laughter from audience] Norm MacDonald: That's a crazy thing there, being a puppet. You got some guy's hand up your butt. [pause] That's crazy. [pause] It's kind of like Elmo's getting one of those rectal exams over there. [confused applause from kids in audience] Norm MacDonald: That's the great thing about being a puppet though. You get your own TV show and people make dolls out of you like they do. But there's also good things about being a human. [pause] Like HAVING GENITALS. What's up with that? [silence from crowd] Norm MacDonald: That's crazy. Muppets have no genitals. How do you guys reproduce? Do you do some sort of bizarre felt-rubbing ritual there? You'd think they'd at least give you some sort of hole or something like that over there, so you don't, you know, piss yourself. [long pause] Hey, do you know who Elmo reminds me of? MICHAEL JACKSON. They're both androgynous genital-free freaks. The only difference is that Elmo doesn't have SEX with CHILDREN. [shot of the children in the audience looking stunned] Dan Henderson: [rushing on stage to interrupt] Thank you, Mr, McDonald. That was very good. Moving along... our next roaster is the most popular stand-up comic in America. Kids, you know him as Rodney from Doctor Doolittle, here is Mr. Chris Rock! [Chris Rock walks out on stage as the children applaud loudly] Chris Rock: Thank you! Standin' here on stage with Elmo at the FRIAR'S Club Roast. Elmo, you the greatest. You are the MAN! [applause from kids] Chris Rock: But I do notice they aint a whole lot of black muppets here tonight. Aint no black muppets on Sesame Street. You know why? Cause if they did, it wouldn't be called Sesame Street. It would be called Martin Luther KING Street. And they don't want to show no Martin Luther KING street on TV. [shot of the audience looking confused] Chris Rock: They don't want you to see no black muppets on PBS. Don't want you to see no black muppets, selling crack on the corner, yelling at they kids. Aint no place for a brother on Sesame Street. But they got no problem with Bert tossing Ernie's salad every night. Aint NOTHING wrong with THAT on public TV! Elmo: [whispering loudly] Please stop. Chris Rock: A lot of people ask me, what about Kermit? He's kind of a pimp, isn't he? Always trying to get with that pig. [pause] No (bleep)ing way is Kermit a brother. Check out the way he denies Ms. Piggy when she wants to get with him. No self-respecting BLACK frog would EVER turn down a piece of ass like that. A BLACK frog would be like, damn pig, I know that Muslims don't eat pork, but I'll make an exception for you! Dan Henderson: [running back onto stage and cutting Rock off] Thank you! That was Chris Rock, kids! How about that! The lovable Osmosis Jones! [flustered] Chris Rock! [trying to psyche up the crowd] Hey kids, how are we doing out there? Tell me, are you having FUN?? [Some kids are crying in the audience, most are silent] Dan Henderson: Are you ready for our next guest? [silence from crowd] Well, we have a real treat for you this time. From the Drew Carey show and Whose Line is it, Anyway, here is the human cartoon himself, Mr. Drew Carey! [scattered applause as Drew Carey walks out] Dan Henderson: [to Drew Carey] Keep it clean, for God's sake. This is on Nickelodeon. Drew Carey: [grabbing the microphone] Hey kids, how are you doing? This is great, I love Elmo. Elmo's my favorite little horny mother(bleep)er. [no noise at all from the crowd] Drew Carey: So I'm out with him a few weeks ago. We're cruising down the street, looking for a prostitute. Elmo finds this classy lady, who, you know, pleasures him. I see her again next week and she says she's still picking red fur out of her teeth. [Dan Henderson groans loudly and slaps his hand over his forehead] Drew Carey: She said she can't stand the taste of red fur in her throat. Funny, Bert said it doesn't taste that bad. [shot of Bert sitting at the dais, laughing] Drew Carey: Hey, we got a bunch of muppets up here. There's Kermit. There's Fozzie. There's Rob Schneider! [laughs at his own joke] And there's Gonzo! My favorite! Gonzo, aren't you the one in love with a chicken? [Gonzo nods and proudly puts his arm around his chicken girlfriend] Drew Carey: That's funny, I thought Miss Piggy was the one who loved cock. Dan Henderson: [RUNNING out on stage and shoving Drew Carey aside]: Cut! Cut! Go to commercial NOW!! [A graphic appears on the screen for ten seconds: Mickelodeon Network - Technical Difficulties, please stand by. Whimsical cartoon music plays in the background.] [We come back. Dan Henderson looks very frazzled. Elmo has his hands over his face in embarrassment] Dan Henderson: [very sweaty and nervous] Welcome back! Sorry for that little delay, kids. Just a little problem with our... uh... podium up here. I apologize to all the parents watching at home. Perhaps this roast was a mistake. But we have talked to our roasters and they have agreed to keep it clean. Okay? Luckily, our next guest is a puppet! Do you kids like puppets? Audience: Yay! Dan Henderson: You may know this comical canine from his appearances at the Westminster Dog Show and on the Conan O'Brien Show. Here is a very special friend of Elmo... Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog! [The audience applauds politely. They don't know who Triumph is.] Triumph: [speaking in a bad Cajun accent, as always] Hey kids, welcome to ze big roast. We are roasting Elmo, my favorite muppet. Yes, yes. He is a very funny guy... for me to POOP on! [Laughter from audience. Dan Henderson looks relieved] Triumph: Yes... Yes... Elmo has a round body with bright red skin and no penis. He looks like a shaved Kate Winslet. [dead silence from the audience] Triumph: I swear, I haven't seen an ass that red since some monkey threw crap at me at the zoo. But you're all right, Elmo. You are a good friend. [pauses to look around] Okay, let me look around and see who is here to make fun of. [he looks around] Don Rickles! Go to bed, old man! Your act is bloated, like your face. [looks around] Elton John! Now Elmo isn't the only one here who will have some dude's fist up his butt tonight. [We see a shot of the kids, looking confused] Triumph: Drew Carey, you fat turd. If you break in half, do pieces of corn come out? [Drew Carey laughs and claps his hands.] Triumph: Tom Green! The man with one nut! You know, buddy, I got my nuts chopped off and I didn't make a TV show out of it. But you know, your amputated testicle is actually pretty lucky. It doesn't have to slap up against Drew Barrymore's ass every night like its buddy. Dan Henderson: [running onto stage and waving his hands] That's IT! The roast is OVER! Everyone OFF MY STAGE! CUT! CUT! GO TO COMMERCIAL! [Dan Henderson runs over and hits the camera, turning the screen to black. A Nickelodeon logo and comical face of Elmo appear on the screen] Elmo voiceover: Thanks for watching my roast, kids! See you next time, and remember... Elmo loves you! Hee hee hee hee. [Fade out to Nickelodeon logo] [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
