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Mike.....Billy Bob Thornton Gary.....Tracy Morgan Betty.....Tina Fey Albert.....Will Ferrell Mr. Robinson.....Darrell Hammond [Scene: Office water cooler. Mike is standing by the water cooler. His tie is crooked and he's wearing old style black glasses. He also has poor posture(is there nothing more hilarious than bad posture?) and is drinking from a dixie cup. Mike bobs his head up and down as he talks.] [enter Gary. Gary gets some water.] Mike: Hey Gary. Gary: Uh, hi Mike. Mike: So, you score last weekend? Gary: Uh...no Mike. No I didn't score... Mike: Bummer dude. Hey, you remember in Star Wars when Han Solo is trying to get with the Princess and she turns to him and says 'No way. Goodbye Hand Solo.'. Ha, you remember that? Gary: No Mike. I don't remember that because that didn't happen in the movie. Mike: Well, I guess you never saw the bootleg version of Star Wars. Gary: What? Mike: Yeah, George Lucas had the actors shoot the scenes in a bunch of ways then spliced them together to form alternate versions that he'd watch for his own personal pleasure. My cousin got his hands on the set and made bootlegs from them eh, so I got to see them. Man, the best scene is from The Empire's Got Back where the Princess is like telling Luke to 'Use the force baby, USE IT, USE IT! C'MON BABY USE THE FORCE..." Gary: Wait a minute, didn't it turn out in the next movie that Luke and Leia were... Mike: What can I say, George Lucas is one sick ba*****. He had them laugh it off when they found out though, which I thought was classy. [Exit Gary.] Mike: [calling out after Gary.] Yeah and her bikini slave outfit in that last movie was all added with special effects! The bootleg doesn't have any special effects man, if you know what I mean...u can borrow it anytime. Yeah, see ya later man. [Enter Betty] Mike: Oh hi Betty. Betty: [getting water] *sigh*. Hi Mike. Mike: Did you have a nice weekend? Betty: Yes Mike. I did. I was in a softball tournament. I batted in the winning run for the championship. Mike: Cool. Hey, do you remember when Ozzy bit the head off that bat? Betty: Yes, I remember hearing about that. Bye Mike. [Betty begins to walk away.] Mike: Well it never actually happened. Betty: What? Mike: Yeah, it's like one of those urban myths. Betty: Really? Well that is...surprisingly...interesting. Mike: Well, actually it did happen. My cousin threw the bat on stage. I was sitting right in front when Ozzy bit it and the bat blood got all over me.[Mike reaches into shirt and pulls out necklace with a small vial of red liquid in it.] I squeezed the blood out of my shirt when I got home and put it in this vial. Betty: Gross...how did that much blood get on you? Mike: Well to be fair, most of it is from my cat. After the concert I drove home and ran it over by accident. See at the concert some dude gave me a cigarette and I was like 'Sweet. Thanks man.'. Well, needless to say it wasn't what I thought it was. I thought it was pot but it must have been a real cigarette cause I got pretty messed up. When I saw my cat in the driveway I thought it was Satan and so I like ran it down.[close up on Mike's face as he holds back the tears. Pan out to reveal Betty is long gone. Mike looks around for her and his eye catches Albert walking past.] Hey, Al! Albert: Damn. Mike: What? Albert: I said 'Hey man!'. Mike: Hey. Haven't seen you around the water cooler much lately. I miss my old high school buddy. Albert: Ha ha heh, yeah I...miss you too man. I bring my own bottled water now.[shows bottle of evian] But hey, you keep on kicking it old school with the water cooler. Mike: Cool. Hey, do you remember in high school when we used to sniff wite-out? Albert: No, no I don't becaue I never sniffed wite-out because sniffing wite-out can kill you. Mike: Right. Well then hey, do you remember Chem class when those little elves would be making the walls melt and stuff behind the teacher while he was turned around talking to us and he'd never notice. That was wild man. What ever happened to those elves? Were they like exchange students or something? [Albert waves. Exit Albert.] Mike: Later man. Keep it real baby! [Enter Mr. Robinson.] Mike: Hey Mr. R., how's the big man doing today. Mr. Robinson: Fine, thank you but it's come to my attention that u spend all your time here around the water cooler. Care to remind me why it is I pay you to hang around the water cooler all day? Mike: Ohhh way to burn me big man. Hey, do you remember when I walked into your office that one time and you had that chick over your desk and I was like 'Oh sorry Mr. Robinson...Sorry Mrs. Robinson I'm so embarassed.' and then the chick lifted her head and it wasn't Mrs. Robinson, it was Sally from accounting. That was wild. Mr. Robinson: Ohhh right. Well carry on Mike, you're doing a damn good job. Keep up the good work. Mike: Thanks Mr. R. much appreciated. Hey Jimmy! [fade out to 'Iron Man'] Rate or review this sketch. |
