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Drew Carey ..... Billy Bob Thornton Ryan Stiles ..... Will Ferrell Colin Mochrie .... Chris Kattan Wayne Brady ..... Dean Edwards Sean Connery ..... Darrell Hammond [zoom in on set] Drew Carey: Okay... this game is for all four of you. [Stiles, Mochrie, Brady, and Sean Connery, holding a martini, stand on stage.] Drew Carey: This game is called "Questions Only". Your scenario is... "Visiting a whorehouse". I know plenty about this. [laughs] You know the rules. Start the clock and let's play before my heart explodes. [awkward audience laughter] [Stiles and Brady begin] Ryan Stiles: May I have a lapdance? Wayne Brady: Ooooh honey... shut up! [They leave. Connery and Mochrie enter] Colin Mochrie: Are you twenty dollars or fifty? Sean Connery: You're one ugly little man, you know that? [moment of silence. Colin Mochrie leaves and Wayne Brady enters.] Wayne Brady: Ooooh honey! What's up?! Sean Connery: You'd better leave before I get angry, Jungle Jim. [another moment of silence. Wayne Brady leaves and Ryan Stiles enters.] Ryan Stiles: I heard you wanted to... see me? Sean Connery: You're the tallest pasty faced applewit I've ever seen, boy! [laughs heartily] [Ryan Stiles leaves and Connery laughs for several seconds before the buzzer sounds.] Drew Carey: Well... that's enough of that game! Remember, folks... the game is made up and the points don't matter! This next game is entitled "Duets". It's for Sean and Wayne and they'll be singing a duet about open heart surgery to the theme from a porn movie. [laughs] All right, fellas... start the music and begin. [sleazy porn music begins. Wayne Brady dances while Connery simply stands on stage, taking occasional hits of the martini.] Wayne Brady: Oooh baby! Shut up! My chest is about the burst... I'm in love with you... you're gonna see my heart in a second... take it, Sean! Sean Connery: Did somebody hit you in the head with a wrench, laddie? I think you've got a serious mental disability! Wayne Brady: [pauses] Uh... ummm... Ooooh babe! Shut your mouth! I'm getting my chest cut open... I'm so in love with you, baby.... take me in your arms, give me some of that sweet lovin' painkiller I know you got! [stops and waits for Connerry to pick it up. Connery stands there drinking.] Wayne Brady: [continuing] Oooh babe... you best be shuttin' it up! I'm under the knife... You wanna be my wife... Come on, baby... I need your love! Sean Connery: You must be legally retarded. [Drew Carey runs onstage] Drew Carey: That's all for tonight, folks! Be sure to watch my show on Wednesday! Goodnight! [fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
