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| Derek Jeter... Himself Mariah Carey... Maya Rudolph Handler #1... Will Ferrell Handler #2... Tracy Morgan [Scene opens in a park. Derek Jeter and Mariah Careywalk past each other.] Mariah Carey: [stops to turn around] Derek? Derek Jeter: Mariah? Is that you? Mariah Carey: [squealing with delight] Derek! How are you?! Derek Jeter: [a little stunned] Oh my goodness, I can'tbelieve I ran into you here. Mariah Carey: Yeah, what are the odds? Wow, running intomy ex-boyfriend in a park. Derek Jeter: No kidding. In a big city like this. Mariah Carey: [coyly] Hey, D.J., how have you been? Derek Jeter: Oh you know, same as always. Pretty good.Except we lost the World Series last month. You? Mariah Carey: [sadly] I've had a bad year. Derek Jeter: Yeah I heard about it. Mariah Carey: I guess I've had better years. Derek Jeter: [shyly] So are you dating anyone? Mariah Carey: Oh, you didn't hear? I am going out with another famous Yankee! Derek Jeter: Really? I didn't know that. Mariah Carey: I've been seeing Babe Ruth for two months. Derek Jeter: Um... are you sure? I think Babe Ruth diedlike fifty years ago. Mariah Carey: No, he didn't! We are having a very torridaffair. He says that he loves me. Derek Jeter: Mariah, you know that isn't true. You stoppedtaking your medication again, didn't you? Mariah Carey: No, I swear, I'm telling the truth! BabeRuth and I are getting married next month, and then weare moving to Venus and forming a new society and thenwe are starting a family. Derek Jeter: Mariah, remember we talked about this incounseling. [very slowly] No one lives on Venus.You are not going to form a new Venusian society. Mariah Carey: Don't you say that! Babe Ruth and I aregoing to shape the face of our new planet! Thestories we pass down to our Venusian children will beretold in legends and fables! Derek Jeter: Mariah, Babe Ruth is dead and you are notdating him. You know that. [Mariah starts to cry] Mariah Carey: Ohhhhh... ohhhhh my poor Babe. Whathappened? Was there an accident? Derek Jeter: Mariah, I thought you were getting better.The doctors said you were progressing. Mariah Carey: I AM getting better! But you're not helpingby stalking me! [angrily] Leave me alone! Derek Jeter: I'm not stalking you! I'm just walking in the park! Mariah Carey: I love you, Derek. Derek Jeter: Uh... [starts to back away].. thanks, Mariah.[changing the subject] Hey, I liked your movie. Mariah Carey: I was in a movie? Derek Jeter: Yeah, Glitter. It was great. Mariah Carey: [shrieking] AAAAHHHHH! [clutches her head] Derek [concerned] What's the matter? Are you okay? Mariah Carey: [in a very deep voice] NO TALKING ABOUTGLITTER! GLITTER HURT MARIAH! GLITTER BRING MARIAHPAIN! MARIAH SMASH GLITTER! Derek Jeter: Okay, I'm sorry! Glitter was bad! Glitter was bad! Mariah Carey: [quickly snapping back to normal] I love you, Derek. Derek Jeter: [making an excuse] Mariah, I think I have toleave. I have a big date tonight. Mariah Carey: [looking at her wrist, which has no watch]Oh, me too. Babe Ruth is picking me up and we arehaving dinner with Mrs. Butterworth and AbrahamLincoln. Derek Jeter: [hugging her awkwardly] Mariah, I really hopeyou get better. You were always very special to me.We always had a good time together. Mariah Carey: Like that time we invented the wheel? Derek Jeter: Uh... sure. Oh... and like the time you had athree-hour conversation with my left shoe. Mariah Carey: That was fun. I always liked the left one better. [Suddenly two handlers step out of the bushes, armedwith cattle prods] Handler #1: Okay, Ms. Carey, time to go back to the hospital. Handler #2: You thought you got away, didn't you? Mariah Carey: Please, I don't want to go! I have to builda spaceship tonight! Handler #1: [grabbing her arm] Mariah, you know thatFriday is spaceship night. Tonight is jello night.And you get to watch cartoons in the day room. Youlike cartoons, don't you? Mariah Carey: Yay, cartoons! [she claps] Handler #2: Alvin and the Chipmunks are on tonight. Mariah Carey: [squealing happily] I LOVE the Chipmunks!You know, Alvin and I are seeing each other. We aregetting married next month and moving to Venus. Handler #2: Thank you, Mr. Jeter, for helping ustrack her down. We couldn't have done it without you. Derek Jeter: No problem. I just want to make sure she istaken care of. She'll be okay, won't she? Handler #1: Well... as long as we keep pumping herfull of industrial strength tranquilizers. [bothhandlers laugh] Derek Jeter: Okay, good enough for me. Goodbye, Mariah, Ihope you have fun back at the hospital. Eat somejello for me. Get well soon! Mariah Carey: Good bye, Babe Ruth! Sorry to hear that you died! Handler #2: That's actually Derek Jeter, ma'am. Yourex-boyfriend. Mariah Carey: No it's not. Derek Jeter made that movie,Glitter. It was terrible. I hate Derek Jeter. [Both handlers start to escort Mariah Carey away] Mariah Carey: Can I have red jello tonight? Handler #1: You can have any color you want, Mariah. Your choice. Mariah Carey: I invented red jello, you know. Back when I was a unicorn. [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
