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| Ken Bollens... Derek JeterMiyagi... Darrell Hammond [Scene opens with a shot of a house. A very old Asianman sits on the porch, sleeping in a chair.] Ken: Hey there, excuse me? [The old man wakes up and sees a teenage boy standing on his lawn] Ken: Excuse me, are you Mister Miyaji? Miyagi: [angry] Name is Miyagi. Miya-GI! Ken: Oh, sweet! Mr. Miyaji, it's an honor to meet you! [He rushes up to shake his hand] My name is Ken Bollens! Miyagi: Please do Miyagi a favor and leave Miyagi alone. Miyagi tired. Ken: Mr. Miyaji, I've come a long way to meet you.I'm here to ask you for a favor. Miyagi: [annoyed] Let me guess. You come and wantMiyagi teach you karate. Ken: How'd you know? Dude, I need to learn karate.You have to teach me. Miyagi: Every teenage boy in greater Los Angeles areacome to Miyagi house, want lessons. After I teachkarate to Daniel-san twenty years ago, everyone wantto learn. Everyone want free karate! Kids no leaveMiyagi alone anymore! Ken: So, man, can you teach me karate? [starts doingsome bad karate imitation moves] Miyagi: [standing up and walking away with the help ofa cane] No! No more free karate lessons by Miyagi.Go to dojo, pay for karate. Miyagi want to be leftalone. Miyagi just want to sleep. Ken: That sucks! Come on, old man, I just want tolearn some karate. I need it! Miyagi: [turning to face him] Why you need karate?You being terrorized by school bully? You seek togain self-acceptance through victory in local karatetournament and impress rich girlfriend? Ken: Ah, no, man. I just want to get laid. If Iknow karate, the chicks will flock to me, like theyused to for Daniel Larusso. Miyagi: Ah, yes. Daniel-san. He was good student.But Miyagi learn important lesson from Daniel-san. NOGIVE KARATE LESSONS FOR FREE! What was Miyagi thinking? Ken: So will you teach me, Mr. Miyaji? Miyagi: First you do Miyagi a favor. Ken: Sure, what is it? Miyagi: [yelling] Get the hell off Miyagi's lawn! Gohome, drink beer, play X-box, leave Miyagi alone! Ken: Dude, you're just an old, bitter man now. Iheard you used to be nice. What happened? Miyagi: [looking wistfully at the sky] Miyagi hadgood job as maintenance man. Plenty of time to trimbonsai trees and teach karate. Ai, good days. Butmaintenance work not pay much anymore. Miyagi losthouse, garden, cars. Miyagi realize he is not justkarate teacher. Miyagi is pawn in epic strugglebetween good and evil karate factions, his actionspredetermined by overlord of fate. Miyagi not happywith his life. Miyagi also stupid to give away freekarate lesson to spoiled children. Miyagi now 90years old and bitter. Miyagi hate all teenagers andwant them to die. Ken: Woah, that is dark. [pause] So have youchanged your mind? Can we start lessons? Miyagi: Come here, Ken-san. Come close. I havefirst lesson to teach you. [Ken walks over and leans in close. Miyagi starts towhack him with his cane.] Miyagi: Go home! [whack] Leave Miyagi alone![whack] Miyagi no teach karate to you! Ken: Are you trying to teach me defense? To defendmyself against a stick? Is this a lesson, like whenyou taught Daniel karate from painting a fence? Miyagi: [keeps whacking Ken with his cane] Onlylesson [whack] is that when old man hits you with cane[whack] you go away! Ken: Are you trying to teach me frustration? Like how I can only win a fight if I learn to deal with adversity? Miyagi: You go now! [whack] Or Miyagi call cops! Ken: This is awesome! You are teaching me to standup to my fears! To face up to a challenge! [Miyagi stops hitting him, frustrated] Miyagi: Miyagi have new lesson for you. Walk over to lake, go underwater and breathe in water. No hold breath. Stay in water for 30 minutes or until pass out. Ken: Wow, another lesson! Daniel Larusso never toldme about that one. Miyagi: That's because it is... uh... new lesson.Miyagi was taught this lesson by father. It willteach respect for nature. Ken: Anything else I should try, Nr. Miyaji? Once Ihave conquered nature? Miyagi: Go to freeway. Walk in traffic. Wear dark clothing and dodge cars at night. Will teach... uh... balance. Ken: Wow, I never knew karate was so easy! Miyagi: One more lesson. Put head in oven, turn onheat to four hundred degrees. Keep head in oven forat least two hour. Will teach tolerance for pain. Ken: [writing it down on a piece of paper] Will thatteach me karate? If I do these lessons? Miyagi: If no learn karate from these lessons, takegun and shoot self in head. Will teach adversity. Ken: Are you sure that is safe? Miyagi: Ai, trust Miyagi. Miyagi learn karate thisway from father. Ken: And then I will be a karate master? Miyagi: Ai, you survive Miyagi lessons and you cansurvive pretty much anything. Ken: This is awesome, Mr. Miyaji! I can't thank youenough! I'm sure gonna get some tail now! Thanksagain for the free lessons! [He shakes Miyagi's hand and runs away] Miyagi: [shaking his head] Miyagi hate kids. [Hestarts to amble into the house] Time for Miyagi towatch Buffy and perhaps take Miyagi's own life. [He goes into the house and closes the door] [We get a newspaper headline: LOCAL BOY WINSALL-VALLEY KARATE TOURNAMENT! "I COULDN'T HAVE DONEIT WITHOUT MY TEACHER," SAYS KEN BOLLENS OF MIYAGI-DOKARATE. "BRING ON THE GIRLS!"] [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
