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| .....Derek Jeter Anton Vettel.....Tracy Morgan John Rocker.....Will Ferrell Separatists Pitcher.....Chris Kattan Prostitute.....Amy Poehler 6/11's player.....Jimmy Fallon Umpire.....Darrell Hammond Barry Bonds.....Dean Edwards [open with Derek Jeter standing on SNL home base] [applause] Derek Jeter: You know, right after the Yankees lost the World Series, I began to ask myself why I was playing baseball in the first place. I got the idea to visit the man who taught me everything I know about playing shortstop- Anton Vettel. If you don't know who he is, he's simply the greatest shortstop to ever play baseball, even though his drug habit and numerous convictions kind of overshadow that. I have a clip of him in action. [cut to: clip of Vettel's game. The footage is actually of the old Romstar NES game "Baseball Stars 2"] Wow! Did you see that play? Anyways, I found out that Anton has this "alternative" baseball league that operates outside of baseball season called the XBL, not to be confused with that awful XFL that used to run on NBC. He agreed to let me be one of his ringers for a few games in exchange for me running this film on the show tonight- apparently, he was banned from SNL after an infamous 1988 guest hosting gig. Anyways, here's the XBL: [dissolve to film] [Scene: 6/11th Stadium Locker Room, Trenton NJ. Most of the team is already there] Derek Jeter: [narration] Because I usually play for the Yankees, it was decided that I would be playing for the closest XBL Franchise, The South Trenton 6/11's. [Vettel enters, obviously drunk. Derek follows] Anton Vettel: Attention team! Now, as you know, I usually hire a couple of ringers to allow me to win bets, and so forth. [player gives him dirty look]. What the hell you looking at? This is the XBL! You're supposed to gamble here, dammit! Now, since I have a lucky feeling about this team, I've hired Derek Jeter from the Yankees to play shortstop for a few games. You may remember him from his role on "Evening Shade" Derek Jeter: That wasn't me! That was Michael Jeter! Anton Vettel: [ignoring him] I've also hired us a new pitcher...my nephew John Rocker. [John Rocker enters to heavy booing] John Rocker: [shouting angrily] SHUT UP YOU BISEXUAL IRAQIS! [normal voice] Hi, Uncle Anton. 6/11's Player: Wait a minute...you're white! How can you be his nephew? Or do you have some sort of Michael Jackson complex? John Rocker: [very defensive] UNCLE ANTON IS NOT BLACK! Anton Vettel: Yeah I am! Shut up! [to team] Anyways, our next game is against the Quebec Separatists on Tuesday. Derek Jeter: Is it a home or away game? Anton Vettel: Damned if I know! [car honks from offstage] Oh, snap! I have to go kidnap Barry Bonds in five minutes! Gotta go. [still drunk, Vettel stumbles into lockers before Derek walks him outside]. [establishing shot: stadium, SUPER: "Le Parc de TQS"] Derek Jeter: [narration] Well, it turned out to be an away game...it was a very rough first outing for me, seeing as how I was unfamiliar with the rules of the XBL. [Scene: home plate, with view of pitcher's mound] [Quebec Separatists pitcher throws a pitch with a 6/11 at bat. He should keep pitching after the umpire's comments] Umpire: Warm...warm...cool...cooler...cold...freezing...warmer...warmer...hot..hotter... Derek Jeter: What's going on here? 6/11's Player: The pitcher has to keep pitching until he finds the strike zone. Derek Jeter: [seeing a player steal third base from first] He can't do that! 6/11's Player: Didn't you read the XBL rules? [eyeing photo of Pauly Shore] Uh-oh... Derek Jeter: What? 6/11's Player: There's a rule right now: "If a photo of Pauly Shore is brought out, it is considered to be a declaration of a bench clearing brawl." [at once, a bench clearing brawl ensues] [SUPER: 45-minutes later: the game has resumed] Derek Jeter: [narration as clips of the game play] The rest of the game went smoothly. We beat the Separatists 657-356. Remember in the XBL, no score is to high. Unfortunately, after the game, John Rocker caused more trouble. [the stadium is now empty; John Rocker walks up to the pitcher from the Separatists ] John Rocker: Hey Pierre! Separatists Pitcher: [Heavy French accent] My name ees not Pierre! Eet ees Louis! John Rocker: Yeah yeah yeah, Frenchy. Listen, why can't you speak English right? Separatists pitcher: Uh? [speaks in French for a while] John Rocker: [snaps] YOU WILL SPEAK ENGLISH IN FRONT OF ME YOU STUPID FRENCH BASTARD! I DON'T UNDERSTAND FRENCH! THEREFORE FRENCH SUCKS! [Rocker and the other pitcher get into a fistfight] Derek Jeter: [to Rocker] What the hell did you do now? John Rocker: He was speaking French! That's almost as bad as speaking Canadian! Derek Jeter: Rocker, you're an idiot! [Anton Vettel walks in on the scene with a prostitute on his arm] Anton Vettel: Yo! I got here one classy ho! Since you guys won, I'm letting you each get fifteen minutes with her in the hotel. Prostitute: Oui! An' las' I checked I diden' even have crabs! [comes on to various teammates, including Jeter] Derek Jeter: Uh, no thanks...look, Anton, I've really enjoyed playing in the XBL, but- I don't know- it's just the rules seem a little to confusing. Besides, someone told me that SNL was looking for a host on the first of December. Anton Vettel: Oooh! SNL! You know they banned me from that show! Well, take the gig...you'll be joining the ranks of George Foreman and Deion Sanders! Anyways, glad you had fun...I think we can shuffle the roster around a bit. Derek Jeter: [Fully aware that the Sanders and Foreman shows were awful] Uhh...thanks? [walks out of park, passing Barry Bonds who is bound and gagged, but does not notice him] Barry Bonds: [muffled] Hllp Mm! Hllp! Mm! [Dissolve back to SNL home base; applause] Derek Jeter: Well, that's my XBL experience...it really made me appreciate just how good playing for the Yankees is. I just hope that one day, though, they institute that Pauly Shore rule. And Vettel, if you're watching, please don't use my apartment to hide your crack. [fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
