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Mrs. Grimball.....Ana Gasteyer Wentworth.....Hugh Jackman Higgins.....Jimmy Fallon Brown.....Dean Edwards Miss Sanders.....Maya Rudolph [ open on Main Executive of Grimball's Department Store and numerous employees of the board in a meeting regarding the integration of Christmas displays in their store ] Mrs. Grimball: Ladies and gentlemen of the board, thank you for attending this morning's meeting. As I'm sure you all know, Grimball's Department Store has undergone a lot of flak recently because our Christmas displays have mainly portrayed white Anglo-Saxon themes, and the African-American community has protested this annual custom for being insensitive to their ethnic heritage. Therefore, it is our duty to collaborate as a group and find a solution to this problem. Are there any suggestions? Wentworth: Mrs. Grimball, let me see if I understand you correctly.. Is the African-American community trying to say that our Christmas displays are racist in appearance? I mean, what is it exactly that they're worried about? Mrs. Grimball: Well, they don't appreciate the fact that the man we hire to play Santa Claus and take pictures with the children of the community is a white man. Wentworth: But Santa Claus is white! Mrs. Grimball: They claim that we can't prove that. They charge that he's a fictional character created by the white man to make the black man feel inferior. Wentworth: Well, now I've heard everything! Mrs. Grimball: It get worse, believe me. They also demand fairness in the decision to make the snow in our displays white. They argue that it would be more fair to use both white and black snow. Higgins: Black snow? What the hell is black snow? We're talking about a water molecule! What do they want, frozen ink? Mrs. Grimball: I don't know, Higgins, but apparently that's what they want. I don't understand it any more than you do. They're also concerned because when a child misbehaves, Santa threatens to put a piece of coal in their stocking. Our African-American community doesn't appreciate that remark because coal is black, and that's like saying that if children are bad, they will receive a black object for Christmas. Higgins: Oh, my God, this is so stupid! Mrs. Grimball: Listen, Higgins. As rational white people, we know this is stupid, but our African-American community thinks this makes a lot of sense. What can we do? Brown: Mrs. Grimball, wouldn't you agree that using our store's display to celebrate Christmas is also insulting to believers of alternate religions, such as Judaism and atheism. Mrs. Grimball: Those people aren't complaining. I'll deal with that issue when it arises. Brown: I'm raising the issue now. Mrs. Grimball: Are you a Jew or an athiest. Brown: No. Mrs. Grimball: Then, shut up. Miss Sanders: Do we really have to take these suggestions seriously? I mean, what percentage of our customers are African-American? Mrs. Grimball: It's not so much that there's many, but they buy more. Grimball's has always prided itself on selling the tackiest line of clothing available to man. That's our policy. And if our African-American customers demand Christmas display integration, then we have no choice but to give it to them. Miss Sanders: So, what exactly does this mean for us? Mrs. Grimball: Well, you may have noticed that since early October I've been trying to create a Christmas display for our store that pleases both races, without offending one or the other. But I've been facing a grave difficulty making it work. Apparently, our "I'm Dreaming of a Colored Christmas" campaign didn't seem to attract the right attention of our African-American customers. Miss Sanders: It's hard to imagine why that wouldn't.. Mrs. Grimball: That's what I thought! Then I considered having a black Santa Claus hand out baby watermelons to all the little black children, but the parents of these kids weren't too crazy about the idea, plus we couldn't find a black man willing to portray Santa Claus in that light. But I kind of figured from the start that the campaign wouldn't work out. Higgins: So where does that leave us now, Mrs. Grimball? Mrs. Grimball: I honestly don't know. Christmas is already seventeen days away, and we still don't have any displays up yet. We can't even play Christmas music, because they're complaining about that, too! higgins: For crying out loud, why are they complaining about the Christmas music? Mrs. Grimball: Well, as you might have guessed, we can't play Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" - I'm sure you know why. They also objected to recordings of "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear", claiming that it references the skin of the white man. I'm just too scared to try playing any other Christmas songs, for fear they'll find something racially-insensitive about those, too. I don't even know how I can possibly enjoy my Christmas this year, there is just no way! Wentworth: Mrs. Grimble, why don't you just take a long vacation for Christmas, forget the whole thing. Forget about sleigh bells ringing and children singing, and take a cruise. Go to the Christmas Islands, I don't know.. Just don't spend Christmas thinking about Christmas. I know Christmas is different now than it was when we were growing up, and racial boundaries didn't exist.. but we can't change the future. The whole celebation is silly and overrated, anyway. I mean, think about it - a jolly fat man climbing down a chimney with a bag of goodies and flying reindeer. The whole Christmas celebration was obviously developed by drug-crazed hippies, so just forget about it. Get away! Close the store for Christmas, and tell people to visit their families instead and to remember the true meaning of Christmas. Mrs. Grimball: [ thinking ] Wentworth, you are absolutely correct. It's been so long since I've reflected on the true meaning of Christmas, that I've forgotten what it is. Wentworth: Well, ma'am, you see.. Christmas is.. uh.. you see, on Christmas, we.. we, uh.. [ he's also forgotten the true meaning of Christmas ] Tell you what, ma'am.. torch the store, collect the insurance, and buy yourself a convertible. Believe me, after all these years, you've earned it. Mrs. Grimball: [ considers the option ] Excellent idea. [ rises from her chair ] $1,000 each for anyone who helps me torch the place! [ Mrs. Grimball and the other employees quickly race out of the boardroom to find a match ] Wentworth: [ turns to the camera as he leaves the boardroom ] God bless us, everyone! [ exits boardroom ] [ Christmas music sweeps up to fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
