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Characters: Maury Povich "Mean" Joe Greene Gene Greene, his son Several audience members Steve Math, Educational Testing Services examiner Maury Povich: Welcome back viewers. Our topic for today is "My son's 40,000 a year habit" and with us today we have former NFL linebacking great "Mean" Joe Greene. Joe, tell us a little bit about why you came here today. "Mean" Joe Green: It's my son, Maury. He was always the best of the best. He was a four year starter on his high school football team, ran track, played basketball, and at 16 was 240 pounds and could run the 40 in 4.5. Everybody loved him and he was twice elected homecoming king. He was offered a full athletic scholarship to Michigan State and it looked like he would make Parade's list of the country's top high school football players. [camera pans to audience looking concerned] Then trouble started. He started hanging out with the wrong crowd. They filled his head with strange ideas. Then he broke into his college trust fund which had been set up in case he were to, like, break his leg his senior year in high school and didn't have an athletic scholarship. And he [pause to point his face down] enrolled at Brown University. [the audience gasps] Maury Povich: You mean Brown, the Ivy League school. "Mean" Joe Green: Yes. Maury Povich: I don't understand. Where does he play football now? The Canadian Football League or division II? "Mean" Joe Green: He's given up sports. He's gone pre-med. [more gasps from the audience] Maury Povich: [soothingly] It breaks my heart when a young man of such potential tries to throw it all away. I want you to know that this show has intervened before in cases just like this. Right now, your son Gene is sitting in the back, waiting to come out. Let's hear what he has to say. [the camera focuses on the overhead screen. It shows a short film snip. The camera is tilted about 15 degrees from Gene and the lens is repeatedly zooming in and zooming out. A harsh rap beat is playing in the background] Gene Green: I just want to dedicate my life to helping poor people in need. I want to move to the ghetto and give people who can't afford it, health care [the audience stays silent] and not spend my life playing games. [the audience jeers at the way he describes football] [The real Gene walks in as this plays overhead.] Maury Povich: Audience, I'ld like to present Gene Greene. [Catcalls from the audience] Gene Green: Maury, I want to thank you for talking to my father for me. He hasn't been very understanding about what I want to do with my life. Maury Povich: Gene, I'm afraid I brought you here under false pretenses. I'm actually working with your father to help you get your life back together. Gene Green: But Maury, I thought you would understand. I just want to help people. "Mean" Joe Green: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Help people. We've heard it all before. You are wasting your god-given talent and my hard earned money on this childish whim of yours. Gene Green: It's not a childish whim. I want to make something of my life. I want to be respected. "Mean" Joe Green: Then get back on the football field. Nobody will respect you if you spend your life in a little room with poor people. I mean, have you even had a cheerleader since you started this pre-med business. Gene Green: Dad! I've been busy. Studying. "Mean" Joe Green: When I was growing up, we used to beat the shit out of kids like that. Maury Povich: Audience, do you have anything to tell Gene. Audience Member #1: I'ld just like to say, if colleges really valued you, they would pay your way through them. Gene Green: They say, if I had come from a poor family, they would have given me financial aid. Audience Member #1: So they make you pay more because your dad saved his money and make you subsidize the poor ones. [He makes a brush off gesture and returns to his seat] Audience Member #2: Mr Mean Joe, does your sons's decision make you feel like you failed him as a father? "Mean" Joe Green: I can only say, I worked hard and had to go through seven major surgeries in order to keep my family out of the ghetto. Now he wants to go running back to it. Gene Green: There are people who need my help. "Mean" Joe Green: You in the audience, would you rather go see a pro football player or a doctor? Various audience members: [not in unison] Football player. "Mean" Joe Green: See son. People want football players. Doctors are a dime a dozen. Audience Member #3: Gene, with all the money there must be in medicine, why don't you reassure your dad that the pre-med boosters will make sure you're well taken care of. Gene Green: Pre-med boosters? There isn't any such thing as pre-med boosters. Audience Member #3: Oh dear lord. [She goes to sit down] "Mean" Joe Green: Maury, do you know the worst part of this? Maury Povich: What is it, Joe? "Mean" Joe Green: He tells me that after four years of college, he won't even get to start doing his doctor thing. He'll have to do seven or more years after college in order to go to the ghetto and work on people who won't bother paying him. It's like if football showed on television and let people watch the commercials after the game if they felt like it. Who in Harlem or Compton is going to pay a doctor after they leave? Various Audience Members: Yeah! "Mean" Joe Green: And seven years before being a real doctor! Seven years after college, most guys in pro football have already retired and are set for life. Maury Povich: Audience, Joe, I'ld like to introduce Steve Math from Educational Testing Services. [A pudgy balding character walks in, carry a small pile of stiff cards and sits next to the group, to minor applause] Steve's company administered a test on Gene and I think you will be surprised at the results. [To Steve] Tell us about this test. Steve: Maury, prior to Gene's showing up here, we had him take a career personality test and an IQ test, because we've had reports of star athletes who do amazingly well in school to find out in later life that they only got good grades in order to represent their high school at a Division I football program. We thought that the combination of decent grades and a famous father might have unduly influenced Gene's admission. Remember that every black student culled from Malibu, rather than the south side of Chicago, makes a huge financial difference to these schools. Maury Povich: So what did you find out? Steve: [turning to Gene] Gene, the school has been leading you on. According to these tests you have an IQ of 89. With that and a college education, we've scientifically determined that you only stand a chance of success in [lifting up the cardboard cards from his lap, one at a time, so the audience can read the results with him] management [a pause as the next card covers the first], physical education [this card say "Physical Education (P.E.)"], the travel industry, and politics. Maury Povich: Wait, PE? That includes football, doesn't it. Steve: Yes Maury, it does. Gene Green: [looking at his father] Dad, I'm so sorry. [Gene and Joe hug, tears streaming from their eyes] I'll drop out of Brown today and find a Division I school with rich boosters so I can repay my trust fund. "Mean" Joe Green: Thank you God, you've made me the happiest father on Earth. Maury Povich: Joe, I just want you to know, that I gave your number to four top 20 football college recruiters who all promised to call your son this evening. Good luck to you both. That's it for today. [audience applauds] Tomorrow on Maury, "The Catholic church sto' my ho". Until next time, good bye. Rate or review this sketch. |
