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Wolverine.....Hugh Jackman Professor X.....Darrell Hammond Fatso.....Horatio Sanz Shaker.....Seth Meyers Slutty.....Amy Poehler (opens in Professor X's office. Wolverine enters.) Wolverine: You called me, Professor? Professor X: Yes, Logan. As you know, Cyclops, Storm and Jean are on a mission. Also, Magneto is about to launch an attack on our school. Wolverine: So what am I supposed to do? Professor X: Well, Magneto has a very strong army. You can't fight them off alone. So, to replace Cyclops, Storm and Jean, I recruited three new mutants to help you. (presses on the button of an intercom) Come in! (Fatso, Shaker and Slutty enter) Professor X: Wolverine, I'd like you to meet Fatso... Fatso: (a huge, bloated man) Hey there! Professor X: Shaker... Shaker: (with shaky hands and voice) Heeeelllllo. Professor X: And finally, Slutty. Slutty: (dressed up like a whore) What can I do for you, hairy one? Wolverine: (startled) What's that?! Professor X: What do you mean? Wolverine: Who are those freaks? Are they really mutants? Fatso: Of course we are. Wolverine: So what kind of powers do you have? Fatso: I can eat Twinkies at light speed. Shaker: Yeaaaah...Annnd I'm veeerrry acccurrratte with gggunns. Slutty: As for me, I can give you the best booty-swingin' you'll ever have (laughs). Wolverine: This is ridiculous. Professor, you can't do this to me. Professor X: (slightly angry) Of course I can. (checks time on his watch) I must go in the Cerebro Room to see what Magneto is up to. Can you show the school to our new partners? Wolverine: (relunctant) All right... Fatso: (very happy) Yeah! (hugs Wolverine) Wolverine: (choking) Hey, quit it, I can't breathe! Fatso: Sorry dude! (stops hugging Wolverine) Shaker: Caaan yooou shhhooww mmmeee wwwwheeere's the aaarrrmorrrry? Wolverine: You don't think you're gonna use a gun, don't you? Shaker: Whhyyy nootttt? I'm aann exxxxperrrt innn weeappponns. Wolverine: Yeah right. Come with me. (cuts to the armory) Wolverine: There it is. Shaker: (amazed) Cooooolll...(picks some guns and examines them) Slutty: Yeah, this place is perfect. Wolverine: Perfect for what? Slutty: To give you a mutant BJ (gets down on her knees in front of Wolverine) Wolverine: (hops back) Forget it, bitch! Fatso: Hey man, that's not cool. Wolverine: (angry) Do you know what is not cool here? YOU RETARDS! Slutty: We're no retards. Fatso: Yeah, (pointing to Wolverine) YOU'RE the retard here! Wolverine: (very angry, catches Fatso by the collar and brings out his claws) Come again? Fatso: Forget it, I messed my pants. Wolverine: Damn... Shaker: (holding a big laser gun) Heeeey thhhis onnne looookkss ssstrrrronnngggg. Wolverine: (rushing to Shaker) No! Don't... (Shaker starts to shoot everywhere due to his "shakiness". The others are ducking and shouting) Fatso: Stop it Shaker! Slutty: You're gonna kill us! (Wolverine runs to Shaker and cut the gun in half with his claws) Shaker: Heeeeyyy yoouuu jjjussttt bbrrrokkke a ggguuunnn. Wolverine: If I didn't, you would've killed us. Shaker: Yeeeahhh, youuu'rre rriiiiggghtt. Wolverine: You see, guys, I don't think you're ready to fight Magneto with us. Fatso: But...why? Wolverine: Well, unlike my friends, you...suck. Slutty: You bet I suck! Wolverine: Shut up! What I mean is you are not good enough to be part of X-Men. I think you should forget this school and just go on with your lives. Shaker: Buutttt...Weeee liiikkke thiiis plaaccce. Fatso: Yeah, we really do. Wolverine: I know...you'll have to ask Professor X. (Professor X enters quickly) Professor X: Wolverine! Magneto's minions are coming! Wolverine: I'm always ready for a good fight! Slutty: Can't we help? Wolverine: All right...just don't screw up! Fatso: If they don't eat Twinkies, they're bad. Shaker: Caaaann I ttrrryy annnottther ggguunn? Wolverine: Sure, you could wipe out the entire army. Shaker: Allllll riiiight! Wolverine: Okay, move it guys! We've got some work to do! (Wolverine, Fatso, Shaker and Slutty run away) Professor X: (laughs sarcastically) That fool doesn't know how messed up his face's gonna be when he gets back here, ha ha! (fade) Rate or review this sketch. |
