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Cut to a racetrack. An announcer is there. Announcer: Hello and welcome to Paradise Vista Racetrack where the seventh annual old lady race is about to take place. We have seven of the finest oldest ladies looking for gold in the golden years of their lives. Let's see who will be competing in the first race. Cut to a program like that of a horse race. We see the seven names of the old ladies along with their odds and their doctors. Announcer V/O: In gate number one, we have Ms. Gladys Humperdink. Her physician is Dr. Lee Omega and her odds of winning are 7-5. Gate number two is Ms. Ethyl Burbank. Physician is Dr. Brandon Kingsley. Odds are 3-1. In gate number three is Ms. Doris Jenkins. Her physician is Dr. Jonathan Smith and her odds of winning are 7-2. Gate number four has Ms. Belinda Fairbanks. Physician is Dr. Samantha Hopkins. Odds are 5-1. In gate number five is Ms. Thelma Gatling. Her physician is Dr. Scott Webber and her odds are 6-1. Gate number six is Ms. Loretta White. Physician is Dr. Philip Tidwell and her odds are 8-1. Last but not least, is Ms. Bernadette Huston in gate number seven. Her physician is Dr. Dan Kowinski. Her odds of winning are 15-1. Cut back to the announcer standing next to a doctor, Dr. Kingsley. Announcer: And I'm standing next to Brandon Kingsley, doctor of the presumed favorite, Ms. Ethyl Burbank. Dr. Kingsley, what do you feel about Ethyl's chances in the race ahead? Doctor Kingsley: Oh, I think she has a very good chance provided her hip doesn't go out which has, in the past, happened. She's a real fighter, she is. Announcer: What kind of training has Ethyl gone through to get ready for this race? Doctor Kingsley: Well, not much. Yesterday, she got up, had a piece a toast for breakfast, sat down for a little bit, fed the cats, sat down for a little bit, watched ÒWheel of FortuneÓ... Announcer: Sat down for a little bit. Doctor Kingsley: No. She was sitting when she was watching ÒWheel of FortuneÓ. Announcer: Oh. Doctor Kingsley: After that, she went to a funeral, came back home, sat down a little bit, complained no one comes to visit her, fed the cats again because she forgot she had fed them earlier, sat down a little bit, took her medication, and went to bed. Slept a little bit. Announcer: So you think she'll be prepared? Doctor Kingsley: She's got her teeth out and is ready to go. Announcer: Well, all right. Let's head right over to the starting gates where the race is about to start. Cut to the starting gates. We can't see anyone in them. A gunshot is heard. The gates open and seven old ladies in walkers walk as fast as they can out. Loud audience cheering things like ÒGo, Doris!Ó and the such. Announcer V/O: And they're off! It's Gladys in the lead, followed by Belinda, then Loretta. After her is Bernadette and Thelma. There's Ethyl there, followed by Doris. Loretta is catching up on Belinda. There's Gladys. She's fallen into second place and who's this? It's Doris catching up on Ethyl. And oohh! Doris has fallen down! She's out of it. (two undertakers run out on the course to take measurements on Doris) There's Bernadette. Now neck and neck with Loretta. Thelma has fallen into last place and Ethyl is gaining up on Bernadette. She has passed Bernadette! Ethyl has passed Bernadette! And now she's passing Loretta! What a girl! That feeding the cat twice really helped. But it's still Belinda in the lead and Gladys has fallen into fourth place. It's just Belinda and Ethyl now. Who's it gonna be? It's walker to walker excitement here at Paradise Vista Racetrack! Coming close to the end now and it looks like it's gonna be...yes...yes...yes it is! Ethyl has won! And there's Belinda in second place, Loretta in third, Gladys in fourth, Bernadette in fifth, Thelma in sixth, and Doris is dead. Let's meet up with the winner, Ms. Ethyl Burbank, and her doctor. Cut to the announcer with Dr. Brandon Kingsley and Ethyl sitting in a wheelchair. Announcer: Well, Dr. Kingsley. Your patient did it again. Doctor Kingsley: Well, like I said, she's a real fighter. I mean for a while there, she was in sixth place but she pushed herself forward and won the whole thing. Didn't ya' Ethyl? (pats her on shoulder) Ethyl? Ethyl? (slaps her face. She's dead) Oh dear. The two undertakers run over to her and start taking measurements. Black out. Rate or review this sketch. |
