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.....Tina Fey .....Jimmy Fallon Rumsfeld the poet.....Darrell Hammond Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey." Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. And here's this week's top stories. Our top story tonight: Taliban forces have announced their intentions to surrender Kandahar, but only if their soldiers and leader, Mullah Mohammed Omar, receive amnesty and a Medal of Freedom. In the spirit of negogiation, President Bush is willing to promise counter jobs at 7-11. Geraldo Rivera, who recently quit his job at CNBC to become a war correspondent for Fox News, has recently positioned himself in the Afghan mountains in search of osama bin Laden. When Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, was asked if this would hamper our intelligence efforts, Rumsfeld replied, "If Geraldo can help us locate all the empty vaults, this will save us millions in bombs." Actress Elizabeth Hurley announced this week that she is pregnant, but does not know who the father is and will use a DNA test to find the answer. When reached for comment, O.J. simpson said, "Hey, don't look at me, I'm through with white women." Sources suggest that the father of Hurley's unborn child could be writer Stephen Bing or actor Hugh Grant, although I'm willing to bet the culprit is David Schwimmer. A 32-year-old Filipino farmer who believed his penis was driving him to sin sliced it off with a machete in a fit of religious fervor. He quoted a passage from Matthew 18:8, which states, "If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire." His penis was also tempting him to use it to covet his neighbor's ass. Doctors, who were able to stitch and reconstruct the penis, said that, although the penis is now 20% shorter, the man will still be able to have children. The entire female population of the world immediately responded, "Not with me, he can't!" A Japanese woman whose body was found by a hunter near the North Woods town of Detroit Lakes was apparently obsessed by the fictional buried treasure in the movie "Fargo". Police said the woman was determined to collect the cache of money sloppily buried in the snow by Steve buscemi's character. Past behavior indicates that the woman has also searched for money buried under a large W in California's Santa Rosita park, as well as stolen money left wrapped in a newspaper at the Bates Motel by Marion Crane in 1960. Friends and family were shocked by the woman's death, remarking that it was even more tragic since she was planning on spending New Year's robbing three Las Vegas casinos with Danny Ocean and his associates. Over-indulgence at office Christmas parties will give British businesses a $157 million headache this year because two million hungover workers will call in sick, according to research released on Friday. And that doesn't even include the crybabies who'll contract anthrax over the holiday season. Tina Fey: And now, here to delight us with some patritoic limericks, is Rumsfeld the Poet. [ enter Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld ] Rumsfeld the poet: Thank you, Tina. Thank you, Jimmy. "We all wish Bin Laden was dead So I’ve just raised the price on his head With old peoples' pensions And damn good intentions We’ll find him and pump his ass full of lead!" Tina Fey: Well, thank you, rumsfeld, that was very - Rumsfeld the poet: Wait. I have more. "Dead or alive, you know my pick This scum of the earth makes me sick If we capture this brain flaw I’ll donate the chain saw And we’ll cut off his wee little di-" Tina Fey: [ hits cuss-buzzer ] Okay, that ought to just about do it. Rumsfeld the poet: Trust me, they get better! "Should Osama in court have his day Just think what his dream team might say It’s the drugs that he used Or this poor kid’s abused He’s really quite nice in a way." "Imagine some glove doesn’t fit And some ignorant jury acquits I say..... send in some gas And smoke out his ass Then slice up this low piece of sh-" Tina Fey: [ hits cuss-buster ] Thanks again, Rumsfeld, but I'm afraid we’re out of time.. Rumsfeld the poet: Wait. Just one more. Please. "Osama’s been bearded since birth He claims that his hair has some worth I’d be willin to betcha If we shaved him it’d getcha The ugliest scumbag on earth." "They say that Al-qaida won’t talk You might think they’re built like a rock With a good pair of pliers I’ll turn-em into-criers Sometimes you gotta say, 'What the fu-" Tina Fey: [ hits cuss-buster ] Okay, I think that’ll about wrap it up! You're really enjoying this aren’t you? [ Rumsfeld, with big grin on his face, nods up and down ] Tina Fey: Rumsfeld the Poet, everybody. Rumsfeld the Poet. Finally tonight, Britney Spears celebrated her 20th birthday this week. That leaves just three more years until her washed-up porn career begins. Congratulations, Britney! Jimmy Fallon: For "Weekend Update", I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow. * Elizabeth Hurley, Filipino penis, Fargo, over-indulgence jokes by Patrick Lonergan. * Donald Rumsfeld commentary by Randy Hyden. * Taliban, Geraldo, Britney Spears jokes by Mario Lanza. Rate or review this sketch. |
