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Charlotte Church... Horatio Sanz Manager... Ellen DeGeneres [Scene opens in an office. A lady sits at a desk. A nameplate on her desk reads "Sue Jensen, Talent Manager."] Intercom: Ms. Jensen, Charlotte Church is here to see you. Manager: Ah, okay. Send her in. [International singing star Charlotte Church enters the door] Charlotte Church: Hi, Mrs. Jensen! Manager: Charlotte! How are you? Come on in. [Charlotte moves in and sits down on a chair.] Manager: So, Charlotte, I asked you here because we've been reading a lot about you in the press lately. You said some pretty bad things about the New York, didn't you? About how the people of New York should just get over it already, how they were milking it all for sympathy. You said that firemen weren't really that great of heroes. Did I get all that right? Charlotte Church: That wasn't my fault! That was taken out of context! Manager: [holding up her hand] Now, now, that may be true. But as your manager, I'm responsible for maintaining your image and the reputation of this organization. Charlotte, we're going to have to issue a statement. Charlotte Church: I already did! Me mum and I wrote out a statement already! Manager: I mean a GOOD statement. Charlotte, listen. [She walks over and puts an arm around her.] When you say things like that in the press, it makes you look... well... bad. Like a mean, nasty little girl. Now, I know you're not a mean, nasty little girl. But you will have to show a different side of yourself to the public. People want to know that you are good... and sweet... and pure. Like the Olson Twins, not like Britney Spears. Charlotte Church: I don't want to be the Olson twins! Manager: Contrite, Charlotte. We're going to have to be contrite and humble. Something like this: [does a very cutesy Shirley Temple type voice] "Oh, I'm ever so sowwy, New York. I just want you to wike me. Pwease wike me, I want to be your fwiend. I wove you all." We'll dress you like an orphan, like that Oliver Twist kid, and you'll beg on your knees for the world to adopt you and give you a crust of bread. It's be great, we'll slap your new image up on billboards and, voila, the little orphan singing girl! [Charlotte is silent] Manager: Okay, we'll work on the image later. First, the apology. Now, I hope this New York interview is the only one we are apologizing for. Charlotte Church: Ummm... Well.... I... ah.... Manager: Oh, don't tell me you gave other interviews! [Charlotte hangs her head and pulls out a copy of "New Jewish Times" magazine. The manager grabs it and starts reading out loud.] Manager: ... And miss Church angered many with her recent comments in regards to the Holocaust. "I can't believe it's still a big deal," she said, "It's not like it was that bad. Jewish people should grow up." [pause] Well, this certainly doesn't help, Charlotte. Charlotte Church: That was out of context! They are misquoting me! Manager: [thinking aloud] Damage control... apologies... televised fundraiser for charity... hmmm. So we have to apologize for two interviews. That's not so bad. Charlotte Church: [muttering] There's more. Manager: More!!? Charlotte! [Charlotte pulls out a copy of "Christianity Today." The manager grabs it and starts reading.] Manager: ... The Pope has called for calm following the furor over Miss Church's comments. She said that "Jesus wasn't that great. Why should all these idiots follow some guy who got nailed up onto a bedframe?" [big sigh] Well this one will take some fixing. Charlotte Church: Oh yeah, and this one. [Hands the manager a copy of "Amish Quarterly."] Manager: [reading out loud] Miss Church later admitted that "Amish people are worthless. I think we should go and burn their farms and drive them into the oceans, like rats." Wow, Charlotte, you managed to piss off the pacifist Amish community. They are calling for your death. [sarcastic] Nice job. Charlotte Church: I have four more articles, if you want to see them. Manager: No, I think this is enough, don't you? Hmmm... [thinking out loud] if we have you publicly flogged it might work with some of them. Perhaps some sort of public humiliation... [The phone rings] Manager: [answering it] Jensen Talent Agency. [pause] Yes, Charlotte is here. [pause] What newspaper are you from? [pause] No, I don't think Charlotte would like to give her opinion on black people. [pause] No, I'm sorry. [pause] THAT'S NOT TRUE! SHE DID NOT SAY THAT! DON'T PRINT THAT! [hangs up angrily] Manager: Charlotte, please tell me it isn't true that you said black people are... [Charlotte hangs her head in shame] Manager: ... okay, it's true. Of course you said it. Charlotte, is there anyone you DIDN'T offend this month? Charlotte Church: [after thinking about it] I'm pretty sure that my parents still like me. Manager: Okay, that settles it. I'm afraid you are going to have to wear the Charlotte-Muzzle again. Charlotte Church: No, not the Charlotte-Muzzle! Please, I'll stop talking to the press! Manager: I'm sorry, Charlotte. You can't be trusted with any reporter. You are going to start a war. When you say stuff like... [grabs one of the unread articles]... "Dogs are not man's best friend. Dogs are only good roasted over a spit. And even then they aren't that good." You now have the ASPCA and Humane Society after you! Charlotte Church: And the dogs. [The manager pulls open a drawer and removes a large face mask, like the one Hannibal Lecter wore in Silence of the Lambs.] Manager: Say hello to your old friend the Charlotte-Muzzle. You've worn it before, you know the drill. You will wear this, and it will only be removed for you to eat and sing. That's it. No interviews. No articles. And NO MORE STATEMENTS! Charlotte Church: [pouting] None of the other singers get treated like this. You don't treat Britney and Christina like this! Manager: Charlotte, your problem is that you always say whatever comes to your mind, without thinking. Britney and Christina don't have that problem. No thoughts ever come to their minds. You know that. They are "special." It's not best to make fun of "special people." So be sensitive. [pause] Now come on, time to strap this bad boy on. [She straps on the mask over Charlotte's face. It consists of a ball gag that goes in her mouth to keep her from talking.] Manager: Comfy? [Charlotte shakes her head sadly] Manager: Good. Now go out there and knock 'em dead at the Kathie Lee Christmas Special tonight. And please, no comments about Santa, Christmas, Cody Gifford, underage child labor, Kathie Lee's face, singing ability, career, hair, breasts or age again. You're lucky you got asked back after last year. Okay? [Charlotte shrugs helplessly] Manager: And remember, Olson Twins, not Britney Spears. Be one of the good ones. [Charlotte leaves] Manager: Okay, time to start issuing press releases. [composing in her head] Hmm... "Charlotte would like to apologize..." No. "Charlotte would like to humbly apologize..." No, not quite. "Charlotte would like to invite the people to New York to a public flogging..." Hmm... "Charlotte promises she will not open her mouth this year..." [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
