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Dennis, the sales guy... Will Ferrell Mom... Ellen DeGeneres Snotty Woman... Maya Rudolph Terrified Man... Jeff Richards Elderly Woman... Rachel Dratch [Open with an exterior shot of a Target department store. It is decorated for Christmas. We go inside and see a guy standing behind a desk, trying to entice passersby to apply for a credit card. He is very, very perky. Two mannequins stand behind him.] Dennis: [very perky] Hey there, Merry Christmas. Want to apply for a Target Card today? Free gifts! [people walk by with no response] Dennis: Hey there, you want a free gift? Free gift if you apply for a Target Card! [people continue to walk by. One man approaches the desk.] Dennis: Hello, sir, would you like to apply for a ... [the man holds up his hand and walks away rudely] Dennis: ... for a... Hey there, ma'am, would you like a free gift? Free gift over here! Snotty Woman: What do I have to do? Dennis: Just apply for a Target Card! Save up to 25%! And you get a free gift! [The woman just turns and walks away without answering] Dennis: You sure you don't want a free gift? [she ignores him and leaves] You telling me you don't want your free gift today? [he is still being ignored] [A kid walks up] Kid: Can I have a free gift? Dennis: Sure, but your mom has to apply for a Target Card, son. You can save up to... [The kid spits at Dennis, hitting him in the face. He runs away.] Dennis: Son of a...! [He gets mad but then chuckles loudly] Some one isn't getting their free gift today! Apparently some kids don't like the concept of a free gift! [A mother walks up with her son] Dennis: Hi, ma'am. Welcome to Target. Would you like a free gift today? Just apply for a Target Card, there's no fee! Son: You suck. Dennis: Hi there, little boy. If your mom applies for a card, you get a toy. How about it? Save up to 25%? Do you like discounts? Son: My mom said she wishes you would shut up so people could shop in peace. Mom: [embarrassed] Scotty, that's not very nice. Son: My mom wanted to know why a grown man would have to wear a nametag and work at Target. She said you probably still live with your parents. Dennis: [getting angry] Heh heh heh. That's a funny joke. [angry laugh] Heh heh heh. Mom: [mortified] I'm so sorry. He's young, he should know better than that. Dennis: Would you at least like your free gift? Just apply for a Target card today. Mom: Oh, God no. Dennis: [whining] You know, I get a commission with every one I sign up. Are you sure you don't want a free gift? Mom: Well I'd like the gift. But not from you. I just don't like you. [Takes her son's hand] Let's go, Scotty. [The son walks over and spits in Dennis's face. Splat! The mom and son walk away.] Dennis: [angry] Damnit! [wipes off his face] That's it! The next little bastard that spits in my face is gonna get a major league ass kicking! Do you hear that, you little jagoffs?! [people walk by, shocked and looking at him. Dennis quickly composes himself and starts up again in his perky voice, talking to people that walk by.] Dennis: Hey there, sir. Want to apply for a Target Card today? 25% off your holiday purchases. [No reply] Hey, ma'am, that' a lovely sweater. Free gift today? [no reply] Excuse me, sir... [no reply] Hey, can I interest you in a... [no reply] Free gift today, just sign up for a ... [no reply] [A sign on the screen reads: 2 hours later] Dennis: [visibly weary, and much less perky] Hey you, do you want a .... [no reply] Please, people, please come over here and sign up for a Target Card! [people ignore him and walk by] Or at least just come say hi to me. Please! [no response] Free gifts! Don't you people understand free gifts!! You get something for nothing! For the love of all that is good and holy, come sign up for a Target Card! [He starts to weep. No one cares.] [A sign on the screen reads: 2 hours later] Dennis: [desperate] I'm lonely! I'm a forty-seven year old man who has never known love! I have never felt the touch of a woman! I need your friendship! Come, let us be friends! Sign up for my card! [no reply] Free gifts! Free gifts! I'll give you a backrub! Anything! [no reply] I'll do anything, Anything! [no reply] Let me reiterate, that means anything but kinky sex stuff! None of the freaky stuff, but anything else I'm cool with! [A sign on the screen reads: 2 hours later. Dennis is no longer wearing a shirt, but he still wears a nametag] Dennis: [slowly going insane] Okay, kinky sex stuff is fair game. If you sign up for a Target Card ALL BETS ARE OFF! We have private changing rooms here, you can have your way with me in anonymous darkness! It'll be our own little Bangkok steam bath! [no one replies] Please, show some compassion, I'm pouring out my heart here! Someone, please show me love! [no reply. Dennis lets out a primal yell and falls to his knees.] Free gift! Free gift! Free gift! Targetcard Nooooooooooo! [A sign on the screen reads: 2 hours later.] Dennis: [distraught] I'm going to kill myself! Are you people happy? Because you don't care, I'm going to take this pen and sever my jugular! I'm going to do it, I swear! All you have to do is sign up for a frigging Target Card and I won't do it. [no reply] I'm not kidding, people! I will choose death over your indifference! Just walk over here and pick up your wonderful free gift and I will be spared! [no reply] It's all in your hands! You can affect destiny! [no reply] You save 25% off your purchases and you save a human life in the process, how can you beat that? [no reply from passersby. He cries uncontrollably.] [A sign on the screen reads: 2 hours later. Dennis has now driven himself insane. He also has a pen sticking out of his neck.] Dennis: COME FEEL THE POWER OF TARGETCARD!!! LET TARGETCARD ENTER YOUR LIFE AND REACH A NEW REALM OF SPIRITUALITY!!! ALL YOUR PROBLEMS WILL BE SOLVED!!! TARGETCARD CAN HEAL THE SICK!!! TARGETCARD CAN GENERATE PROTEIN AND CURE ATTRITION!!! 25% OFF OF THE DARKNESS IN YOUR SOUL!! [A man approaches the desk] Terrified Man: Excuse me, sir, what's wrong with you? Dennis: [screaming at him from inches away] DO YOU WANT TO SIGN UP FOR TARGETCARD?! TARGETCARD WILL BRING ONLY HAPPINESS TO YOUR MISERABLE LIFE!!! Terrified Man: Sir, could you please calm down. You are scaring people. Dennis: DO NOT FEAR TARGETCARD!! THE ONLY THING TO FEAR IS THE SWEET HAND OF DEATH WHEN IT SQUEEZES THE LIFE FROM OUR CORPSE!! FEAR NOT THE CARD, THE CARD IS YOUR LORD!! Terrified Man: Uh... I think I have to go now. Dennis: [Screaming directly into his face] ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO SIGN UP FOR TARGETCARD?? FREE GIFTS FOR YOU AND YOURS IN THIS JOYOUS HOLIDAY SEASON!! ENJOY A FESTIVE HOLIDAY FRUIT BASKET, ON US, WITH EACH NEW SIGNUP!! THIS IS A SMALL GIFT... FROM US... TO YOU!!! [The terrified man runs away. Dennis runs out from behind the desk and chases him. They run off camera. We continue looking at the empty desk as we hear sounds of a struggle off camera.] Dennis: [off camera] Feel its power! Feel it! Terrified Man: [off camera] Get off me! Dennis: [off camera] Stop it! [We hear a blood-curdling scream. Dennis walks back on camera. A Target Card has been rammed into his forehead. It now sticks out of his head.] Dennis: TARGETCARD HAS MELDED WITH MY BRAIN!! IT NOW CONTROLS MY THOUGHTS!! YOU PUNY HUMANS WILL BE DESTROYED WHEN TARGETCARD UNLEASHES THE UNHOLY POWER OF THE WAVE MOTION GUN!! [He turns and sees the two mannequins behind him. As he turns his back, a bunch of terrified customers scamper by, now that he can't see them.] Dennis: [looking at the mannequins] Ah, the foul children who spit on me. You return! Now you shall be introduced to the pungent aroma of death! [He runs over and tackles one of the mannequins, straddling it and slapping its face] [As he fights the mannequin, an elderly woman walks up and takes a Target Card application from his desk] Elderly Woman: [completely oblivious] Excuse me, is this where I sign up for a Target Card? [Dennis looks up at her, his eyes full of fury. He stands up and walks back to the desk, still shirtless and holding a mannequin's arm.] Dennis: Uh, yes, ma'am. Save 25% on your purchases. And you get a free gift too. Elderly Woman: Oh, I love free gifts. [She signs her name on an application] Thank you! Have a nice day! Dennis: Thank you, you too! And have a Merry Christmas! From Target to you! [He resumes his normal routine, very perky and talking to people who pass by]. Free gifts! Sign up for a Target Card today and save 25% on your purchases! Excuse me, sir... you want your free gift today...? [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
