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Opening scene: a bunch of overly made up people milling around in a studio back lot. The male interviewer, holding a megaphone, speaks to the group. Male Interviewer: OK everyone, you know why you're here. Temptation Island is having problems attracting viewers to watch the fate of unknowns. So next season we plan to take some of you, REAL celebrities, undergoing a transitional stage in your relationship and putting you on an island with celebrity wanna-be's. Now if we could just have everyone line up for their preliminary interviews, men to the room on the right, ladies, follow me to the left. Thank you and remember, you're making TV history. [The groups separate along male and female lines] [Cut to a split screen view, male celebrity (being interviewed by out of view female interviewer) on the right, female on the left. The side being interviewed switches throughout, but the lighting gets brighter on the side being actively interviewed] Female Interviewer: For the record, state your name and what you want out of this Temptation Island experience. Tom Cruise: My name is Tom Cruise and I'm here with Nicole Kidman. The way I envision this is that everyone innocently flies out to Temptation Island with the best of intentions. Shortly after arriving, the men and women get separated, and I discover a sinister plot to assassinate Nicole. [switch to other half of screen] Nicole Kidman: Was that Tom I saw on the back lot? What was he doing here? My agent told me that Russell Crowe was supposed to meet me here. [switch] Tom Cruise: So I break into the supply cabinet and steal scuba equipment, make it to the beach, don the scuba gear and swim through shark infested waters to the women's side of the island. Female Interviewer: There aren't any sharks in these waters. Tom Cruise: You're interrupting. Just take some National Geographic stock footage. Where was I? Oh yeah. I make it to Nicole's cabin just in time to see a shadowy figure emerge, and choose to try to help Nicole rather than hunt him down. He escapes into the bushes, and tragically Nicole is already dead. [switch] Nicole Kidman: If Russell is off with that tramp Meg Ryan again, I'll show him. Just be warned, if the island is off the coast of Australia, Tom has to be kept at least 50 yards away from me because of a restraining order. [switch] Tom Cruise: I spend the rest of the week hiding my feelings and consoling myself in the arms of the lovely temptresses. You get a final shot of me being reunited with my children who are elated that I will be getting sole custody. Female Interviewer: Cut! [Cut to two new people being interviewed] Tommy Lee: [stoned] Hi, my name is Tommy. I think. I'm doing this cause Pam said it'ld be fun. And I'm not on tour. Right now. [switch] Pamela Anderson: Hi, my name is Pamela Anderson and I'm doing this as a career move. Male Interviewer: Good, we look forward to giving you the chance to run the gamut of emotions. Pamela Anderson: Huh? Look, my career peaked after that video of me and Tommy hit the internet. I figure you're going to have cameras on me every minute of the day. How's security on the raw footage? Male Interviewer: Really tight. Pamela Anderson: Then loosen it until you are positive it's getting broken. Then, I'll just need to approve the lighting in my bedroom and pre-approve the male bimbos. Male Interviewer: Pre-approve the male bimbos? Pamela Anderson: As a career move, how would it look if I settled for guys who weren't better endowed than Tommy? Male Interviewer: Cut! [Cut to two new people getting interviewed] Britney Spears: [Sweetly] Hi, I'm Britney Spears and I'm here with my boyfriend. [switch] Justin Timberlake: Hi, I'm Justin Timberlake of NSYNC and I'm here with the sweetest girl on the planet, Britney Spears. Female Interviewer: So why are you here Justin? Justin Timberlake: I want to show Britney, cause she just doesn't realize how wild the women are when I'm touring, that she doesn't have to worry about girls coming on to me, that I can wait till she and I are married. [switch] Britney Spears: My only condition is that I get to screen anything that Justin sees. Male Interviewer: Why is that? Britney Spears: Because he loves me. And he is so sweet. I mean, he is probably the last boy in America to think that I'm still a virgin. [switch] Justin Timberlake: She might think that I'm unwilling to let her be a role model to millions of young girls, but that just isn't the case. [switch] Britney Spears: [slightly tenser] Not that I haven't given him hints. He's seen my outfits. He's seen my videos. He's seen the post-coital look on the guys in my videos and knows in his heart they just aren't that good of actors. [switch] Justin Timberlake: I know this is best for her and her career. [switch] Britney Spears: [tenser still] Not that I would censor too much. It might do Justin some good to watch how to come on to girls. So that he will try something. [really really tense] And stop talking about my career. After all, it is my career, .. and this is rock music, not a nunnery. [switch] Justin Timberlake: And in a few years, when our careers have dipped and we need the pub., we can have a fairy tale wedding. She'll be able to wear white and members of her fan club can compete to be her flower girls. We'll rent a cathedral and televise the event. [switch] Britney Spears: [tense to the bursting point and pointing at herself] Look at this. This is a dancer's body. It's built to go wild not be a role model for dumpy kids. [turning to the camera] I can't wait forever! GIVE IT UP JUSTIN! Male Announcer: Cut! [Cut to two new people getting interviewed] Male Announcer: [looking at a card] Jane Doe? Is that your real name? Jane Doe: No, no, I've just been afraid to give OJ my real name. Male Announcer: So what sort of experience were you hoping would come from Temptation Island? Jane Doe: I'm really looking forward to a few weeks of having OJ watched 24/7. The women's side of the island is separate from the men's side and there are security cameras everywhere? Male Announcer: They aren't for security. But yes, they are everywhere to document the complete Temptation Island experience. [switch] O.J. Simpson: Hi, I am OJ Simpson and I'm going to Temptation Island to clean up my image. [switch] Jane Doe: Some of the guys on the island, could you make sure they work as bodyguards or CIA or in the witness protection program. And make sure that there are no knives or guns or even roads that a white Ford Bronco could make it over to ladies side.[switch] O.J. Simpson: I want America to be reminded that I am a fun guy and know how to have a good time and would make a great company pitchman. [switch] Jane Doe: With luck, OJ will meet someone new and I can quietly fade away. If not, I need you to promise me that I make it back to the US with at least a three hour head start. Male Announcer: Cut! [Cut to Ellen DeGeneres getting interviewed on left, the right conspicuously remains empty] Ellen Degeneres: Not that I'm involved with anyone right now, but if I did bring someone, would I have to make sure she was bisexual so that I could be on the side of the island with the easy women and she'ld get stuck with the guys? Or would we have to draw straws? Or could you sell an all female island to the network? Male Announcer: Cut! Please cut! Rate or review this sketch. |
