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Bartender.....Tracy Morgan Chelsea Clinton.....Rachel Dratch Secret Service Agent #1.....Will Ferrell Secret Service Agent #2.....Dean Edwards Kevin Spacey.....Darrell Hammond Drunk Co-Ed.....Amy Poehler [ open on interior, Sushi Samba 7 nightclub, New York City, Chelsea Clinton seated at the bar flanked by two bodyguards ] Bartender: Freshen your drink for you, Miss Chelsea? Chelsea Clinton: Just a light splash, thank you. Secret Service Agent #1: Just a short while longer, Chelsea, we need to have you back by One. Daddy and Mrs. Rodham's orders. Chelsea Clinton: Last one, I promise. Off-Screen Voices: We love you, Chelsea!! Chelsea Clinton: Thank you! [ sounds of guys whistling and screaming at Chelsea ] Secret Service Agent #2: [ to Secret Service Agent #1 ] Should one of us confront that table of frat boys? Secret Service Agent #1: Let's wait until they enter our parameter. I don't want to get kicked out of this place. Chelsea Clinton: Oh, guys, you stop that. No one is planning an assassination. Everyone is here to have fun. Maybe I could buy a drink for the boy in the blue sweater? Secret Service Agent #1: Absolutely not. He'll want to come over here and whisper sweet nothings in your ear while licking your neck and penetrating his fingers into your panties. And your mother frowns upon you receiving more sexual satisfaction than she does. Secret Service Agent #2: Mmm-hmm. Also, the guy sitting next to him, with the crewcut, is even cuter. [ Secret Service Agent #1 gives him a funny look ] I'm just making a personal observation. It is my job to be at full alert. [ actor Kevin Spacey, slightly tipsy, walks up to Chelsea ] Kevin Spacey: Dammit, Chlesea Clinton! Everyone in this bar likes you better than me! This is my bar, not yours! Secret Service Agent #2: Back off, Spacey. Kevin Spacey: Hey.. don't tell me what to do. I was here first. I was born here. This is my turf. Have I made myself clear? Secret Service Agent #1: You don't want to tango with us. Go fly home to K-PAX, Mr. Outer-Spacey. Kevin Spacey: Hey. I also made "The Usual Suspects". Okay? Chelsea Clinton: Kevin, it's okay. This club is big enough for both of us. Kevin Spacey: First of all, that's Mr. Spacey to you, kid. Secondly, this club is not big enough for you and my ego, and my ego is not in a sharing mood. Have I made myself clear! [ bangs his fist on the bar ] [ Secret Service Agents quickly yank Spacey's hands behind his back and slam his head several times onto the countertop ] Kevin Spacey: Now, gentlemen, that was uncalled for. [ limps away from the bar ] Chelsea Clinton: A little excessive, wouldn't you say? Secret Service Agent #1: This is New York. Trust us, no one noticed. Secret Service Agent #2: He took it worse in "American Beauty", and he knows it. Drunk Co-Ed O/S: You suck, Chelsea! Secret Service Agent #2: Should we call back-up? Secret Service Agent #1: Just relax. Let the situation present itself first. [ Drunk Co-Ed approaches Chelsea, with a sneer on her face ] Drunk Co-Ed: You think you're so popular, don't you! You think you're Miss All, just because you're married to Kirk Cameron! Chelsea Clinton: I'm not married to Kirk Cameron, you're confusing me with Chelsea Noble. Drunk Co-Ed: [ pause, as information fails to register in her brain ] You suck! Secret Service Agent #1: [ stands ] Back away, Miss, you've had too much to drink. [ to anyone within earshot ] Could somebody please call this woman a taxi? Drunk Co-Ed: I am not a taxi! Your daddy took advantage of me! Are you thirsty? How 'bout a nice, tall can of whoop ass! [ splashes drink on Chelsea ] [ Secret Service agents quickly subdue Drunk Co-Ed by smashing a bottle of Jack across her skull, dropping her motionless across the bar; the crowd quiets down. ] Secret Service Agent #1: Nothing to see here, folks. Go back to your drinks, the situation is under control. [ Kevin Spacey saunters back to the bar ] Kevin Spacey: Hey. If you guys are finished, do you think I could have my date back? Secret Service Agent #2: This young college girl is your date for the evening? Kevin Spacey: [ extends arm above his head ] I rule! Secret Service Agent #1: Yes, I'm sure you do. Kevin Spacey: [ unzips his pants and drops them to the floor ] Hey, buddy. Look closer! Secret Service Agent #1: [ into walkie-talkie ] We need back-up, Sushi Samba 7 bar stool #9. Over. Kevin Spacey: [ panicking ] No, no! I'll leave! I'll leave! I'll give you tonight, Chelsea. But tomorrow. Tomorrow's my night. Secret Service Agent #1: Forget it. Let's get you out of here, Chelsea. Chelsea Clinton: Please do. This place makes my dysfunctional family look normal. [ Chelsea and her two Secret Service agents exit ] Kevin Spacey: [ confidence returning ] And stay out! [ nudges his unconcious date ] Come on. Wake up. Wake up. I'm gonna have you either way. You know that. [ camera zooms out ] [ music Out: "Baba O'Reilly", The Who ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
